Thursday, March 5, 2009

Mistake #35 OMG! I'm 21 and not married yet!



(Don't fret girls...your time will come.)

Mindy, overcome with being overlooked again at church, pouts all the way back to her Liberty Square Apt. She slams her door and screams "Ughhhhhhhh!" Her engaged roommate tries to walk in but Mindy screams, "What to you want! You have everything!!!!" Her roommate was a little perplexed, "Hey Mindy, what's going on? Let me help." "No, you can't help me! No one can!" exclaimed Mindy as the flood gates to her tear ducts open. "I can't believe I'm 21 and not married yet. I hate all my friends telling me how happy they are on their blogs with 'husband.' Why can't they just call him by his freaking real name?!?! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid, I want my own wedding!"

Gosh Mindy, I'm sooo sorry for you. I guess it does suck being one of only 4 girls in your 2005 Provo High School graduating class not married yet. I mean seriously, compared to the last 4 years, you had a 97.2 percent chance of already getting hitched. What are going to do now? You're 2 credits away from your degree in Elementary Education. Should you change you major now or should you think about putting in those mission papers? I bet you've already picked out every single item for your Target gift registry all the way down to that matching red KitchenAid set you've wanted ever since that Good Morning Utah segment.

Well guess what? No one really cares. Get over it. I know how much you wanted to move into a basement apartment complete with 5 foot ceilings where you and your future hubby can procreate to your hearts content. I'll promise you'll see your friends in a few years. Follow my advice and take the Peter Preisthood's Single Lady Cross Country Challenge.

Just pack your bags and join the throngs of single ladies in the metropolitan regions of the country. Start your trip up to Salt Lake City as you move into trendy Sugarhouse, where you secretly become a Ute fan because of their affinity to actually excel at sports. Next, take 2 years getting your graduate degree at Tufts University in Boston. Don't worry you'll be fine. Just hit up the University Ward, no need to bother the "second halves" in the Longfellow Park Wards, because you're still a baby by their standards. Get ready for the 2012 election, by moving down to D.C. Your daddy has a bank roll that has made it through the Depression of 2009-10 so he hooks you up with a townhouse in Georgetown. After unsuccessfully campaigning for yet another Mormon republican, you chill out for a couple of years bouncing around the likes of Huntington Beach & Santa Monica marketing some bogus anti-aging cream as you wrinkle up in the California sun, all the while forgetting you have a Masters in Education.

You're 29 now, so you head back home to Utah and start teaching 4th grade English, where you find yourself in an Orem singles ward with 56% of the girls being 2005 Provo High graduates. They are now divorced or divorced with kids, because marrying their childhood sweetheart that worked at Big O Tires just doesn't pay for all the Mary Kay product or scrapbooking material anymore.

Trust me, after this challenge, you'll realize how dumb you sounded at 21 and "poof" you'll be married faster than you can say, "More Jello Honey?"

49 comments:

  1. Love this blog!!! What about doing one about girls that overly obsessed with missionoaries. I have a friend(and by friend I DON'T mean myself) who is always liking some guy but when she discovers he's not interested she says "It doesn't matter, I'm really waiting for 'insert missionary name here'" and talks about how many kids they are going to have and so on. It's way weird and when girls are like that I would think it totally turns a guy off, correct me if I am wrong.

    Also what would you sugest to someone who has a friend who is coming home from a mission and she's a interested in being more than just friends?

    Again I LOVE this blog it makes me laugh every time!

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  2. That is a great idea, you could also do a post on girls who FREAK out after the 2nd or 3rd date with one guy because they have a missionary and don't know "what to do!" haha, I was one of those, I admit it! :) I would love to hear your take on it.

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  3. While I agree that Mindy has issues, your funny post turned..........BITTER

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  4. Regarding the image in this post, if you publish or use this image without the permission of the owner, you may be exposing yourself to legal liability for violations of intellectual property law.

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  5. You need to remove this photo immediately. It belongs to me, and you do not have permission to use it.

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  6. This blog is sort of great most of the time. Some times the comments are better than the actual entries. Case in point: Anonymous at 4:45 and 4:55.

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  7. you have to check this out too! LOL

    http://www.mormonmen-therealreason.blogspot.com/

    PS that hot girl in the middle looks the most single, but she sure is cute!

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  8. That's funny that someone wants the photo off. My favorite part about this blog is that all of the guys are single and over 30, I know because my good friend is a poster.

    I like that other blog someone posted, haha.

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  9. Anons with the photo concerns - the owners of this blog are mentally challenged and don't understand copyright. They might even believe that they don't have to adhere to rules and/or laws because of their handicap. Sue their asses.

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  10. this is my favorite post yet, thank you!

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  11. Yes, sue their asses. Go find yourself a lawyer or prosecutor willing to fry them good. Enjoy your nominal damages.

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  12. What's with all the a-word use on a mormon blog, Anonymous(es)?

    And, whoever posted this, why hate on Provo High? Or is that where you're from??

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  13. My favorite is that OTHER website. HA!

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  14. Since when did comparing yourselves to other's misery grant some form of satisfaction for those who have fallen short of your goals. That is your problem girls, you don't see who you are, you only see what you aren't. Life won't get better either when you're married. You won't loose the baby weight as fast as Sarah, you won't have the style of Kim, and you will never have the eloquence of Becky. Not to mention, the father of your nation to be will get a little hefty from all the preservatives in those boxed meals because the only thing that comes scratch in your kitchen is your teflon pans. Soon your kids will be the gossip of the town with their heathen behavior, unlike the Craigston's kids who excel in everything.
    Enjoy single life while you can, and if you're not enjoying it, you're doing it wrong. Time for the first of many attitude adjustments.

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  15. LMAO. Hilarious...but just fyi, according to insider sources university ward in boston (U-dub) is slim pickings right now...

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  16. Ahaha this is too funny.

    And I'm refering to the posts, not the entry--granted that was highly entertaining in itself.

    Honestly. I could go to CNN and wallow about how the anterior portion of my left hand was in the audience behing Barack Obama's head *shudders*. Would that do any good? Nope. Copy right laws are a joke.

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  18. Haha! Love it!

    and I turn 21 in 7 days...

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  19. #1- Alex, yes- the University ward in Boston is lame right now... I'm moving up because the population of Harvard/MIT freshman geeks *I mean* guys is too much for me...

    #2- I think the writers of this blog are arrogant jackasses, but this post is the TRUTH!! I thought reposting the sister missionary post was a pathetic attempt at throwing some sort of revenge into the universe on the female population because obviously you are too narcissistic and irritating to ever land and/or keep a woman of the highest caliber (aka RM), but you might have gained some points back with this one. Girls who think their lives are over because they reached their undergrad single are the reason for their own unhappiness. There is SO MUCH more to do once you leave your King Henry apartment at BYU and explore what you can accomplish and experience outside of the bubble, especially, *gasp* alone!

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  20. What you didn't mention was that the Peter Priesthood Cross Country Challenge is also a form of GOLD DIGGING.

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  21. wow...funny post. but lame comments.
    #1 seriously you're freaking out about your photo on here?
    #2 people are using language on here? Classy reall classy...nice to know you have an expanded vocabulary
    #3 people are actually offended by this?
    #4 the other blog about mormon guys is super LAME and is more so mean than informative
    #5 Im a 21 year old girl and cant believe how quickly my friends got married and are already having kids! Way too soon for me! So I totally agree with this post!

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  22. Marriage life is great but I also loved my single life. It's the best time to figure out who you are. I was an oddity at BYUI when I was graduating from Business, 21, and still single (gasp times 3). People made me feel guilty because I wasn't married, and I just laughed in their face. I was happy with being single. There's time for marriage and babies...it doesn't mean you have to start when you're so young. And...I love this blog. It's hilarious!

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  23. mark... how is this gold digging?? it's about doing things ON YOUR OWN. the married girls are the gold diggers... or not.

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  24. Check out this really cool blog! It's so hot right now!

    http://www.mormonmen-therealreason.blogspot.com/

    WHAT WHAT! Shout out to my homies!

    (PS this blog is so fun to mess with)

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  25. Note to those worried about copyright issues: Getting a copyright on anything is a legal matter. You can't post your favorite pics from your friend's wedding and decide they're copyrighted. Professional photographers put their stamp on their photos so they don't get ripped off. If you're just some kid with a facebook account you can't expect people not to share your snapshots. So Peter, I LOVE the drawing, but if you feel like you want that photo on there, then go ahead and slap in on this page. The owner can't do anything about it... especially if they are anonymous.

    PS- this blog is hilarious and I don't understand the people who get offended by it. Not even the sister RM one. I'm a sister RM, and while I think some of that didn't apply to me, I also understand that you're not writing TO ME, your making a generalization. Nothing wrong with that.

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  26. This video is about missionaries and marriage...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-zfkqcPW38

    Check it out. :)

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  27. I don't know what kind of moronic people or versions thereof you talk to but I have never gotten 'the gasp' you are all referring to, and I am damn cute, a licensed professional/college graduate, an RM, sublimely domestic, date more than any girl I know, and 26-never been married. Though yesterday I was asked how I was still single, but he was more hitting on me than making a generalization about the wed culture of the mormon social infrastructure, so I am not sure it counts as the social demise you seem to have been receiving. But maybe you have that lemming bandwagon appeal and people are wondering where your cult...I mean society dues are suppose to be coming from if not your minimum wage paid, "I was an AP" chubby hubby.
    Men typically don't participate in the gasping, that is left for the ignorant portion of the Relief Society. Not that mormon women are idiots, but how many conversations must I endure about table settings inviting 'the spirit'?? I thought idolatry was a sin or transgression of some form. Anyways, usually you see what you want to see, and the apparent insecurity about your marital status shines through when you ASSume that you are being judged by it or that you, even if only superficially judge others by it.

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  28. LoriAnn you are just as bitter as the rest

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  29. Let's all just relax and watch a funny missionary video.
    Let me be your Missionary
    Heart,
    Will

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  30. This is the best post yet! In my oppinion: Girls should not get married before age 21 and guys before 23 ... enjoy being single and have fun with YSA. Unless you really know its the right thing to do, WAIT! I have witnessed many divorces and unhappy marriages from really young people rushing into marriage ... I would even argue it may be more lust than love.

    p.s. Peter Priesthood: Whats your oppinion on guys dating girls alot younger than they are or even girls dating guys way younger?

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  31. I think this blog needs to change its name to: "How to Catch a Mormon Man Who Will Never Appreciate You and Treat You Like a Hot Flaming Piece of Crap."

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  32. No thats called getting married 2 months after meeting a person!

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  33. i love your blog thus for its satirized truth that no one fesses up to. but this one sadly turned out to end with bitterness... a lot of it's true, but the end should end with hope rather than your own view of the "pathetic" single.

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  34. Are you kidding me? I love being single. I hate that moment right after the "Can we talk?", I know it isn't going anywhere good. Men bring this up for one reason only, they don't feel they are getting enough out of the relationship. If they thought the girl wanted more they should just go for it, the hand hold, the kiss, or somewhere in between based upon the individuals involved. But they ask because they want more from you, something that if I was willing to give, there are ways to make happen.
    In the instance that someone brings up the status of an undefined relationship to end it, they take themselves way too seriously and assume way too much of the other person. Relax, let "it" whatever it may be happen naturally.
    The only thing I am bitter about, is the premature DTR.

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  35. Jansen, you are so lame! Stop doing this blog, LOL!

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  36. Jansen is the one writing this???!!! Go figure! Jansen, get a job!

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  37. Jansen when you get back, your ass is grass and I'm gonna be the lawnmower!

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  38. ...you are kidding me... did you just realize what you said... you just said that the whole point of marriage, in your eyes, is so that you can actually have sex... no wonder you're not married yet. remember we live the higher law now. you think it... you just sinned. so if you're that obsessed then just go and do it already and stop writing your blog!

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  40. P.S. I am Mindy in that original picture and I have no idea where the Hell this story came from but i'm glad that picture isn't up anymore because I have never and will never be as pathetic as anyone who would say anything like that and don't want to be in any way associated with this stupid blog. I haven't met you Jansen but I think you're stupid too.

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  41. wow. lot's of whiners here.... seems like they're all girls... probably at the age of 22. The story might have hit a little close to home eh?

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  42. I'm also glad Mindy capitalized Hell. Nice touch. +1 for correct grammar.

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  43. "What about doing one about girls that overly obsessed with missionoaries. I have a friend(and by friend I DON'T mean myself) who is always liking some guy but when she discovers he's not interested she says,'It doesn't matter, I'm really waiting for 'insert missionary name here''"

    You have no idea how much we laugh at that individual...maybe it is mean and insensitive...but they had it coming when they opened their mouth thinking that was an intelligent thing to say...

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  44. "Yes, sue their asses. Go find yourself a lawyer or prosecutor willing to fry them good. Enjoy your nominal damages." -anonymous

    I am pretty sure their donkeys had little to do with this...unless it was one of those talking donkeys from the bible...then..who knows..

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  45. Nessy is in the HIZZOUSE

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  46. Girls just need to figure out it really isn't up to them when they get married or IF they get married. Make a plan for yourself that doesn't include marriage, then when you happen to get married, whenever that happens to be, you can adjust your plan but you won't feel sad about still being single at 22.

    Ex: 1)Graduate High School, 2)continue working and going to school, 3)serve a mission (regardless of what these bloggers say about that), 4)graduate college, 5)start a real career, 6)see the world... and it just keeps getting better. That way, when the right guy comes along you'll be an interesting person not just someone waiting around to get an Mrs degree (if you want the total package you've got to make yourself the total package). And for gosh sakes let a marriage interrupt those plans, don't refuse to marry the right guy because you want a degree first.

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  47. Great post :) Sadly I was kind of one of these in my last year at BYU, at 21 was living with 5 girls who were all engaged and had just broke up with my boyfriend, so it sounds pretty lame, but it actually is a hard situation to put on a smile for, if you are in or have found yourself in this situation.

    BUT this post definitely claims true in the "move somewhere else in the country" category - I am 22 and have moved to San Diego where I work downtown and feel like a baby in the single's ward - NO extreme or inappropriate pressure to get married, maybe in 5 years or so. SO if you are facing graduation and freaking out, know that the real world really isnt as ridiculous about this :)

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  48. Some of you are taking this way to seriously. A great turn off is for me, is finding out that a girl thinks that waiting for a missionary is a good idea. Another one is being a complainer that no one ever asks anyone out. I am in no hurry to get married because I have no reason to get married until I find someone with whom I would enjoy my time and feel my effort is meaningful. I have been in relationships and then realized that if I had married that women, I would be in a miserable relationship right now, and 'stuck' to be in it or divorce and deal with all the negativity associated therewith.

    The point is get out of other people's lives and problems and into your own. Do not tell me when I should go on dates, get married, or have kids. This is my life, and I am the only person I need to please, until of course I find some wonderful women for whom I would 'rope the moon'.

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