Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mistake #38 Meet Your Parents? I'll Pass.


Heather has been dating Jake for the past 3 weeks. In her mind the relationship has been going well. From Jake's point of view things are going pretty cool too. They enjoy each others company and it's pretty much understood that Heather & Jake are like Diet Coke and lime...inseparable. Easter is around the corner and Jake is going to stay at school in Edmonton while Heather made plans 3 months prior to head home to Calgary. Late one night during their "quality time" Heather says, "Well...I talked to my parents today and they think it would be wonderful for you to come with me for Easter weekend." REWIND!

Okay girls, this is a major dating infraction. Why you ask? No guy in their right mind wants to visit your parents, unless he's pretty much ready to get down on one knee and and carry you off into the eternal sunset. What this also does is set you up for "The Question." It doesn't matter if you met the guy yesterday, if you bring Jake home, at least 3 of your foolish relatives will ask you point blank, "When are you getting married?" They of course add a little jovial laugh for extra effect. The next reason is that every family has a crazy. Every family. So just because you can handle uncle Steve with the meth addiction, doesn't mean Jake is super cool with him "chasing the white dragon"

Now bringing Jake home inevitably means photo album and home video time!!! This can have two distinct adverse reactions. First, the cacophony of Annie's Tomorrow on multiple occasions, your part as Julie in Saturday's Warriors, or your "guest" appearance with The 5 Browns can portray you as egocentric, diva-ish, and possibly hinting on malevolence. Or, your lack of talent coupled with your unsightly "pubescent" years brings us to pity you and garner more ammunition once this ill-fated relationship goes sour. (side note: these video/picture shows are only cute to your family that must "unconditionally" love you.)

Next you have the bedroom. Maybe your apartment room has been updated with the newest 600 thread count, Egyptian Cotton sheets from Restoration Hardware and accented with Pottery Barn accoutrements, but your room at home still has Bubble Gum Pink walls complete with fluffy bunnies, ballet slippers, and a canopy bed. No guy wants that mental image of the innocent 12 year old Heather, especially after last night's "Quality Time" was hardly innocent.

Later on, you have dad's unapproved stares, mom pulling the cobwebs out of her flirting techniques, and the handicapped relative showing out again. To make matters worse, there is always the ├╝ber-awkward family argument:

Dad:"No honey we just can't afford to keep wasting money on your cosmetic upgrades."
Mom:"But you'll spend 300 dollars a week on greens fees?"
Dad:"That's an investment!"
Mom:"You're 58 and will never make the PGA!"
Dad:"Well you'll never win any beauty pageants with that botched lip job!"
Mom:"You shouldn't have been cheap and opted for Dr. Jiffy Lube instead of Botox!!!"
(Mom runs to her room crying and Dad storms out the house furious)

To sum it up, bringing Jake home has more downside than up. At least wait until he says, "I Love You" before you start bringing him home. You'll have plenty of time to show off your boyfriend in due time. For now just send home a picture or cardboard cut-out of him.

27 comments:

  1. While I agree with most of your posts, this one isn't even close to being true

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  2. Oh oh oh yes this is true. Before Jake knew Heather's name her parents knew about him, or at least her mother. The indoctrination of little mormon girls about marriage is fine line between eternal love and crazy obsession. Once the boy has kissed the girl many girls want to meet his parents.
    Under no circumstance will any boy meet my family until after we are wed, otherwise any person would run screaming, trust me. All of my married siblings eloped for one reason, kin. Until then I remain an orphaned only child.

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  3. LoriAnn I couldn't have put it better myself and Eloping is the only way to wed. Then my 14 siblings(yeah 14 I'm not exaggerating) can't tell me and her everything reason why not to get married. And if her family is anything like mine I will never be approved by any Mormon girls dad. I watch Rated PG-13 movies for crying out loud and to top it off I don't see Hell and a curse word.

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  4. While a disagree with a lot of your posts, this one is so close to true.........I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, definitely laugh.

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  5. oh this one was GOOD! sooo true and funny. i agree with loriann and nate, my family will NOT be meeting my boyfriend and we are not going to "my" house for holidays, we will make out own.

    and yes i said bf. no husband.


    p.s. hell isn't a curse word.

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  6. you might want to consider your actions as to branding your page in congruence with the church website.

    - fine line of misrepresentation

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  7. "Every family has a crazy."

    So true. lol

    Also I too liked the old layout better.

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  8. i live in edmonton!

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  9. Oh my, so true. Nothing like Daddy pulling out Momma's Mafia family to scare someone completely out of your life. Nice job guys!

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  10. My sister's boyfriend had a "special dream" while he stayed the week at our house.

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  11. What about the fact that once Jake sees Heather's mother (and Heather's future), he may not want to see Heather anymore?

    How could you miss this most obvious part of meeting the parents?

    You're slipping, P.P.

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  12. When were you in my room? My canopy bed is long gone (or maybe just in the attic) and my bubble gum pink walls were whitewashed my senoir year of HS, just like the day I left it...

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  13. Wow apparently I am pretty lucky to have the family I have. When guys would meet my family it always made me seem much better! haha. I have 6 bros, and they usually got along with the guys I brought home. One of the reasons my husband married me is because my family is so awesome! haha. Plus my mom is pretty darn good looking! haha. Although...I didn't meet his family until after we were engaged...so there is def. truth to this...just not pertaining to my family. Love it!

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  14. I want to teach your blog in Relief Society....

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  15. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. Keep up the creative work!!

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  16. Dusting off the cobwebs flirting mom slayed me. I think you've met my mom. It's painfully embarrassing in the moment but after the fact a good laugh. Good thing my husband wasn't deterred at the time. He's pretty brave.

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  17. Hmm... I once met a guy's parents when we had been dating for just a little over a week. He invited me to his sister's birthday party. Also, I once met a guy's parents on our first date.

    The knife cuts both ways, mi amigo.

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  18. Hannah- Creative? Really? I feel like I've heard all of the ideas in the last four posts before, in random conversations with equally witty and confused Mormon guys. PP, step it up. Bring some new insights please- preferrably stuff you've seen on girls lately that worked for you. Just one tiny break from, "you do this wrong, you looks stupid when you do this, no intetlligent girl does this," etc. Thank you!

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  19. you've got some competition.
    http://whymormonguyzstaysingle.blogspot.com/

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  20. whymormonguyzstaysingle

    WILL NEVER BE AS FUNNY AS THIS BLOG

    so suck it

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  21. Plus the trip involves going to Calgary. Of course her parents are messed up! They're cousins!

    *banjo music*

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  22. I just spent the last 45 minutes (some would say wasted) browsing through your blog. I enjoyed every 0.01 seconds of it. Thanks for making a day and type away.

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  23. I met my wife's parents pretty much near the day that we got married and had no problem whatsoever...my wife who is Brazilian met my parents after we'd been married about a year and change...I'd have it no other way...it was always about us..and not so much about either of them...nothing against her parents or my own...but the relationship is ours..and I am glad that neither got cold feet because of the in laws..

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  24. My wife's (was at the time girlfriend) family has a interesting little family get together in idaho every year... her family owns a ghost town where they all get to gether and show off thier..... roots... they play folk music and (the non mo's) get wasted... its scared the living daylights out of me... eventually I decided that we could get married but only if we could be the outcasts of the family that never go to the reunion.

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  25. Hey, Anonymous... is that ghost town Gilmore? If so, I've been to that folk music goodness. Wow. :)

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