Suggestion #9 Top 12 No No's in Conversation

Who needs a top 10 when I got a top 12? Here are a few suggestions of what not to say to a guy that you are starting a relationship with. As always, do as you wish.

12. When will I see you again?
Alex, I think the correct answer is "What is possessiveness?" I think he just got the go ahead to run away from the crazy train.You can refer back to that dogeared and overly quoted book or video you've already got in your queue from Netflix called, "He's Just Not That Into You." Just like Viagra, when the time is right, you'll know...

11. Can I help pay?
No. We get it, you got a job, you sold your eggs, or your daddy gave you a raise, but didn't we ask YOU to dinner? Save your dough for the guys who want to "hang out."

10. Do you like my outfit?
Unless you're trying to "slut it up," fishing for compliments should be avoided. If you look good, we'll take notice and tell you. If this is not the case, smack your roommate/sis/mom for letting you go out in public in the first place.

9. Did you know that I lost weight?
Yes, we know when you have lost weight, and we also know when you've added that muffin-top too. Only a fool would acknowledge this fact, so don't ask. You can always refer back to #10.

8. Where is this going?
Um...I'm guessing nowhere. If you need to ask this question, you already know the answer.

7. I Love You.
See ya! It's pretty much the guys responsibility to say this one. If he hasn't yet, the answer is no. If you are looking for reciprocation, just watch the bevy of romantic comedies dusting your shelves. 3 words and 8 letters have never caused such an emotional tidal wave as these have. Just wait for it. (Well, "I hate you" is a close second...)

6. I don't trust you.
Hmmm...so you're saying I need to get sneakier? Noted. If you don't trust the guy, go trust someone else then. Relationships shouldn't be like Geometry proofs, either you trust him or you don't.

5. We need to talk.
This translates into, "This is about to get ugly, so let's change the subject." Ladies, why even ask this inauspicious question? Why don't you use your sneakiness a bring out pending problems casually. You could probably eliminate our defensive

4. Who is hotter Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
The answer is always going to be Angelina Jolie, because it's just fact. Lara Croft will always trump Rachel Green and Angelina would never do a "Marley & Me" or "The Breakup" type film. But we'll tell you Jennifer Aniston, because we all know how much you girls cling to damaged goods. If you need any tangible evidence, just ask your boy Brad Pitt.

3. Don't you want dessert?
Guys are normally paying for the dinner you are eating, so if we want dessert, we'll get dessert. You can just continue feeding your face full of cheesecake. We'll take care of it.

2. Can we watch something else?
I'm assuming that you are at his place, and watching his television. Most guys can tell if they are watching something unfavorable to their significant other, because this is usually figured out during the First Date Rundown Questions. So he is probably doesn't give a crap that you want to watch the rose ceremony of The Bachelor. If you want this relationship to last, you'll learn how to get used to this one.

1. I served a mission.
Game over. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

Mistake #37 You're Hot and You're Cold, You're Yes and You're No by DS

In this post we will explore the crippling trait of indecision. The fact of the matter is that the majority of us are indecisive. This is a trait that affects all of us, men and women. Herbert Hoover, former President of the United States of America, once said "My view of Heaven is of a place where no one ever has to make a decision." George W Bush, another former President of the United States, said "People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that."

Decisive people stand out from the crowd. Decisiveness is a powerful differentiator, one that can be especially helpful for women living in areas where the women outnumber the men (Author's Note: At this moment every female who is reading this is thinking "That's me! I live in an area like that!" I don't think I've ever lived in a place where the women think there is an equal ratio. They always claim it's at LEAST 2:1 or 3:1… But every time I gaze around in Sacrament Meeting, it looks pretty evenly split to me. Sounds like an excuse...). Let's walk through some familiar scenarios and analyze good approaches.

Decision #1: The Entrée

Ladies, picking an entrée at dinner is not a very difficult decision. Your meal will last approximately 1 hour. Dinner generally occurs at the beginning of a date and can set the tone for the entire evening. No guy wants to wait 20 minutes for you to pick out what you want to eat. This is where you probably want to pay close attention to the cues your date is sending. If he decides right away, try and pick something quickly. If he's taking forever, it's a good opportunity for you to impress him with your decisiveness.

Decisiveness can be a two-edged sword, however. Women have a habit of substituting things when they order food. It's as if they can't just order the "stock" version of the dish. They'll order the Three Cheese Chicken Penne pasta from Applebee's but ask to replace the mozzarella with sharp cheddar, the penne with bowtie, and the alfredo sauce with marinara. Whoa there tiger. Calm down.

Decision #2: The Movie*

One would think that movie selection would not be the arduous process it is today. Yeah, we've received some pretty strict guidance that eliminates 63% of movies in existence. It sounds something like this: "Do not attend, view, or participate in entertainment that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in entertainment that in any way presents immorality or violent behavior as acceptable." But that still leaves 37%.

The irony is that when you get to Blockbuster, you can't think of anything to rent. But when you're sitting at home watching TV or previews for other movies, you're always making mental notes of films you want to see. So why don't we bridge that gap and take care of your indecision problem at the same time? When you hear about a movie you'd like to see, write it down somewhere. Make a list on your BlackBerry Pearl or a note on your iPhone. And next time you head to the movie store, you'll be able to say "I've been wanting to see…". You'll be an instant hero.

Decision #3: The Open Question

"So… what do you want to do tonight?"** Familiar question? I bet you can guess the familiar answer: "I don't know." Or we could twist it around a bit and ask "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't care." It seems like apathy is everywhere these days. That's precisely the reason why decisive people are so refreshing. Take charge. Check out one of those event websites that tells you everything that's going on that weekend. Pull out the latest copy of Schooled magazine and look at the calendar. Oh, and have you ever heard of Zagat? How about UrbanSpoon?

Maybe you don't feel comfortable choosing an activity or restaurant for the entire group. That's fine. You can still be decisive by contributing to the solution. If you're picking a restaurant, say "I'm in the mood for Thai or Italian." The group is now a tiny step closer to making a decision. Well done.

Try it out. And then come back to WMGSS and post a comment letting us know how it went. Beneath the sarcasm and stereotyping, we really do care. Sort of.

*Gentlemen, please do not combine Decision #1 with Decision #2. It makes for a pretty lame date.

**Ladies, if a guy ever asks you this question on a date, tell him you'd like him to take you home. He's pathetic. But if you're just hanging out, it's an opportunity for you to shine.

Mistake #36 Dress How You Want To Be Treated

I like to criticize. Sue me, but I can totally take criticism like a champ as well. So when you eventually locate me have at it, but until then...

Actions are created by perception. A guy's perception is usually based on physical/visual values and a girl's perception is usually based on emotional/imaginary values. We're going to forget about the female's perception, because this not "Why Mormon Guys Stay Single." This male perception also subconsciously helps a guy determine what type of girls are worth pursuing.

Since men are visual, we like to associate how women dress to how they should be treated. I'm not saying that we go all Chris Brown on you if you wear something slutty, but your dress speaks volumes on your behalf. And because we are wired this way, you will attract a certain guy and a certain attitude regardless of your social status, wealth, ethnicity, profession (or lack thereof), or education.

If you really want to bring out the whole "Girls Next Door" look Pierside Ward, go ahead. Your high school graduation silicone presents complete with 5 inch heels, bottle-blonde hair, uber leathery skin attached to skimpy Bebe Dresses will totally find it's way to that guy who digs you. He's the way "too pretty" schmoozer who has more product than you and just needs a trophy wife. If you can't keep up your part of the bargain, you'll become one of the 30 divorcees in your ward that have already "been there, done that" with the same type of guy.

Or maybe you like the "Capitol Hill" look such as my friends over in the Colonial Wards. Your pale, pasty bodice draped in a sexless Anne Klein pantsuit will definitely get you the attention you're not desiring. That 60-something congressman who dotes on you in private and pretends you are just his "right hand woman" in front of his wife and kids, will just have you around until he gets caught or your internship is over.

Hey Orem & Provo, American Eagle and Abercrombie & Fitch has a stranglehold on your cities. Because you all dress alike, I feel as if this town has about 10,000 middle-class Nadja Suleman's roaming this Wasatch area. With your childlike, vibrant stripes and strategically tattered jeans, it's no wonder your boyfriends all suffer from "Peter Pan syndrome" They'll never grow up and you'll wonder why behind your 500 colorful A&F logo tees.

The "I'm too smart so I shop at Talbots" look over in the Longfellow Park Wards is a little played out. You have girls already in mom mode with your jumpers and 1970-esque Diane von Furstenberg inspired wrap dresses. It's like you don't even care. This saddens us at WMGSS. I'm sorry Boston, they're no guys interested in that and from your recent decline in marriages the proof is in the pudding.

Ultimately it's up to you what you decide to pull out your closets everyday, so don't let me persuade you otherwise. However, cloning yourself like the next girl in your ward bores us. The effort that you put it your dress has an equal reward in the type of guy you attract. I appreciate your attempts at modesty as much as the next upstanding, Mormon guy. By the same token, seeing 3 girls show up in the same ankle boots, patterned tights and floral skirts loses our interest. You'll just attract the same d-bags that still sport their mission Dr. Martens. Refreshingly original girls attract refreshingly original guys. Just remember there will always be more of you than us, so dress accordingly.

A Fresh Coat of Paint

Hi readers. Sorry for the delay in content. We at WMGSS needed an appropriate page upgrade. Stay tuned for more to come.
-Peter P.

Mistake #35 OMG! I'm 21 and not married yet!

(Don't fret girls...your time will come.)

Mindy, overcome with being overlooked again at church, pouts all the way back to her Liberty Square Apt. She slams her door and screams "Ughhhhhhhh!" Her engaged roommate tries to walk in but Mindy screams, "What to you want! You have everything!!!!" Her roommate was a little perplexed, "Hey Mindy, what's going on? Let me help." "No, you can't help me! No one can!" exclaimed Mindy as the flood gates to her tear ducts open. "I can't believe I'm 21 and not married yet. I hate all my friends telling me how happy they are on their blogs with 'husband.' Why can't they just call him by his freaking real name?!?! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid, I want my own wedding!"

Gosh Mindy, I'm sooo sorry for you. I guess it does suck being one of only 4 girls in your 2005 Provo High School graduating class not married yet. I mean seriously, compared to the last 4 years, you had a 97.2 percent chance of already getting hitched. What are going to do now? You're 2 credits away from your degree in Elementary Education. Should you change you major now or should you think about putting in those mission papers? I bet you've already picked out every single item for your Target gift registry all the way down to that matching red KitchenAid set you've wanted ever since that Good Morning Utah segment.

Well guess what? No one really cares. Get over it. I know how much you wanted to move into a basement apartment complete with 5 foot ceilings where you and your future hubby can procreate to your hearts content. I'll promise you'll see your friends in a few years. Follow my advice and take the Peter Preisthood's Single Lady Cross Country Challenge.

Just pack your bags and join the throngs of single ladies in the metropolitan regions of the country. Start your trip up to Salt Lake City as you move into trendy Sugarhouse, where you secretly become a Ute fan because of their affinity to actually excel at sports. Next, take 2 years getting your graduate degree at Tufts University in Boston. Don't worry you'll be fine. Just hit up the University Ward, no need to bother the "second halves" in the Longfellow Park Wards, because you're still a baby by their standards. Get ready for the 2012 election, by moving down to D.C. Your daddy has a bank roll that has made it through the Depression of 2009-10 so he hooks you up with a townhouse in Georgetown. After unsuccessfully campaigning for yet another Mormon republican, you chill out for a couple of years bouncing around the likes of Huntington Beach & Santa Monica marketing some bogus anti-aging cream as you wrinkle up in the California sun, all the while forgetting you have a Masters in Education.

You're 29 now, so you head back home to Utah and start teaching 4th grade English, where you find yourself in an Orem singles ward with 56% of the girls being 2005 Provo High graduates. They are now divorced or divorced with kids, because marrying their childhood sweetheart that worked at Big O Tires just doesn't pay for all the Mary Kay product or scrapbooking material anymore.

Trust me, after this challenge, you'll realize how dumb you sounded at 21 and "poof" you'll be married faster than you can say, "More Jello Honey?"

Mistake #34 Arranged Marriages (Oops, I mean Dinners) by CSL

I'm sure that someone on the activities committee pats themselves on the back for suggesting this oh-so original idea.

"I know! Let's assign dinner groups! We could do dinner parties on Sunday evenings. What better way to encourage dating in our ward could there be?!"

And so the assignments are made and the sheet goes around. Some Molly out there is eager with anticipation (heck, she's probably the one who suggested it). She's determined to put the old proverb to the test: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She has the menu made and already finished the place cards at Archiver's before she even knows which guy's apartment is coming over.

Molly gets the phone call (hopefully before she's done any more preparations, but sadly, that rarely happens). Its from one of the guys who has been assigned to her apartment. They're not coming. Surprisingly enough, every guy in that apartment is going home for dinner that Sunday. Yes, even the guy from Brazil will be at his parent's in Sao Paulo. How can you interfere with family dinner?

The arranged dinners raise more red flags than a Chinese airport in a guy's mind. These have the potential to be more awkward than eating spaghetti on a first date. Think of all the possible outcomes.

1. The dinner is nasty and choking it down is harder than the burnt biscuits served along side it. At least the girl is amazingly cute.
2. The dinner is amazingly good, but the cook is amazingly not cute.
3. If you compliment the chef of the amazing dinner, she may expect an invitation for a date shortly thereafter.
4. If you compliment the chef of the nasty dinner, she'll know you're lying and then there's no way you'll get a date. Besides, who wants to date a girl who really can't cook? No marriage potential there.
5. Lets entertain the thought that the dinner is amazing and the chef is amazingly cute. But then there are at least 5 other guys there trying to get in on the action as well.
6. The conversation is bound to be mundane. "Oh, these mashed potatoes are so creamy. What do you add to make them so amazing?" "How about this snow? I can't believe its this cold in December." "How about those Cougars?" Inevitably, the girls will start talking about girl stuff and the guys will start talking about sports. There might be one girl who tries to assert herself in the sports world, but no guy is gonna dare enter the female realm in that situation.

There are just a few of the things going through every guy's mind. Is putting yourself through that really worth the free meal? Nah. Stick to the ramen noodles and mac n cheese.

Now, if you can manage to get a one on one dinner cooked by the amazingly cute girl who also happens to cook well, you're in luck.

If its any consolation, this abhorred practice doesn't end when you graduate from the singles ward. In married wards, there's still always someone who thinks this is fun. Its not. No arranged dinners, please. If you want to invite someone over on your own, then fine. That can be fun. Husband and I have done that several times and its pretty successful.

Its just not a good idea to get any group of strangers (or at best, acquaintances) together and have them eat. You have to make small talk, and someone always asks a question when your mouth is full. And heaven forbid someone burps.

Aren't there cruise lines out there that use the fact that they don't do things like that as a major selling point?

If you're still convinced that a dinner party is the way to go, here's what you do. Invite some guys over, order some pizza and stick in a movie that everyone has seen before. That way, you all get fed and if the company is dull, at least there's a movie to entertain you. If the company is good, you can ignore the movie and not miss anything. And if you want to show off your cooking skills, have a good dessert available. You can't go wrong with a good batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Mistake #33 Maybe she's born with it by DS

Sometimes Mormon girls don't get asked out because they have horrible names. One would think that with all the time parents have to pick a name (approximately 9 months - for those of you who were wondering), they would pick good ones. Yet there are a staggering number of girls, especially in the Mormon community, whose names suggest that their parents were either illiterate or had some problems with the Word of Wisdom.

At the heart of the issue lies the desire to be unique. Expectant parents look around and say "No, no. My child will not be a Rachel or Jessica. Too normal. There were eight girls named Rachel in my 4th grade class. But what would happen if I combined the names? Rassica? Perfect!" It is precisely in that short-sighted moment of triumph that the unborn child in the womb is doomed.

What the parents failed to take into account was the long-term perspective. That single decision to choose a "unique" name has effectively doubled the amount of time it will take their daughter to introduce herself, forever. "What's your name?" "Rassica." "Excuse me?" "Rassica!" "Sorry, could you say that one more time?" "Rassica!!!" If you were to add up the total time a uniquely-named girl spent repeating herself, by the end of her lifetime it would likely amount to several days. What a waste, merely to satisfy a parent's selfish whim.

Confession time: I was once set up on a blind date with a girl who had a made up name. It wasn't just any made up name, though - it was similar to a real name that could be pronounced two different ways (cue Brian Regan "Carolyn v. Caroline"). She was beautiful, smart, and fun, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how to pronounce her name. The whole night I would wait for someone else to say it and then make a mental note, but when I tried to remember, that mental note was gone. I was so worried about saying her name incorrectly that I forgot to have a good time. There was no second date. It was such a traumatizing experience that today I have absolutely no clue what her name was, much less how to pronounce it correctly.

This topic wouldn't be complete if I didn't address the serious offense of changing the spelling of an otherwise normal name. This epidemic tends to afflict two types of parents:

1) those who aren't bold enough to entirely invent a name, and 2) those who invented names until they realized the damage they were doing to their children but couldn't give it up completely. The upside of having a misspelled yet normal-sounding name is that you don't have to repeat yourself much. Just embrace the fact that people will have difficulty finding you on Facebook and your name will never be spelled right in you friend's mobile phones. Finally, a short list of names and spellings that should be banned:

Amberlyn, Andreina, Andria, Angelle, Annaliese, Arianna, Aubrianne, Breanne, Brenna, Brianna, Britta, Bryn, Cambria, Camilee, Camilyn, Caren, Carlee, Cecily, Cedar, Chanti, Charlee, Cherise, Christen, Colette, Dawnelle, Denae, Doneen, Donelle, Gemma, Genna, Hana, Janalyn, Janelle, Janessa, Jayden, Jayme, Jeannine, Jenica, Jewell, Joelle, Julaine, Julene, Kami, Kandra, KaraLyn, Karin, Karlee, Karyna, Kayleen, Kelsy, Kimberlee, Kirtley, Lacey, Lara, Lieren, Loralee, Maegan, Meegan, Meka, Merilee, Mickelle, Mindee, Mitzi, Monika, Rebekah, Rhyll, Salina, Savanna, Shaelyn, Shalei, Shalena, Shandi, Shayla, Sheena, Shellee, Sherstin, Shirene, Shyanne, Sommer, Tanda, Tessa, Tiare, Wittney