You are cordially invited to the semi-annual Parade of the Floozies.
When: First Fast Sunday of each semester
Where: The pulpit
Who: Anyone wanting to put a star next to their picture on the ward menu
What to do: Lots of make-up, big hair and fake tears
Please plan for meetings to go approximately 1 hour longer than scheduled.
Here's your script:
Hi, my name is (insert first name here). But you can all call me (insert ridiculous nickname here). I just wanted to let you all know that I am so excited to get to know all of you this semester. (Flip your hair). I just love all of you, even though I don't know you I can already tell just by the look in your eyes that I will totally love all of you. You have such special spirits and I can't wait to get to know you. (Another hair flip, please). I totally love my roommates and no matter what anyone else says, I have the best roommates ever. (Wipe a tear) And we have the best bishop in the whole entire church. He is just so inspired.
If your feeling extra spiritual, declare that you don't have words to describe your testimony, so you will sing a hymn instead.
Close your "testimony" and sit down.
So, in all honesty, most guys do enjoy watching the parade. It saves them the trouble of going through the printed menu later.
But imagine what would happen if every single girl out there stopped joining the parade. If all of you chose not to participate, it would be beneficial in so many ways.
First, we could bring the Spirit back into that meeting. Rather than testifying of roommates, we could testify of Christ. Unheard of, I know.
Second, the guys would have to work a little bit harder to figure out which girls are the easy ones. If its not waved in front of their face, maybe they would take some time to get to know girls in the ward before categorizing them as old hens and spring chickens. But its pretty easy to make the distinction during the parade.
Third, we could all get out of meetings an hour earlier. It is Fast Sunday after all, and no one likes having to listen to their stomach growl as accompaniment to the festivities.
If you really do want that star next to your picture in the ward menu, become a Cookie Floozy. That way, you can also make sure your prettier-than-you roommate eats a ton of cookies and gets fat, thus getting a big fat 'x' through her picture. Great way to take out the competition.
hahahaha! hilarious! Please expound on "Cookie Floozy"...so funny.
ReplyDeleteThe blog is becoming less and less funny as it goes. It's just angry and bitter now. I think I'm about done checking it.
ReplyDeleteWhat sphere are "brownie floozies" in? How about "cupcake floozies?" I think they can be worse than cookies.
ReplyDeleteoh the ward menu, just ANOTHER thing i do not miss about provo...
ReplyDeletehehehe, that last part is comedy gold!
ReplyDeleteSo good. I gotta find me the cookie floozies in my ward.
ReplyDeleteI agree with anonymous. I don't know that it's getting any more bitter or angry, just less funny. The last few posts haven't made me laugh at all. It's a sad day when great blogs go bad.
ReplyDeletei disagree. I think this one was back up to par compared to the couple before it. Whoever wrote this one has got the ear to the culture, while the other ones are grasping at straws. This one definitely holds true.
ReplyDeletehee hee .. i likes it ... and i agree ... expound on the "Cookie Floozy"!
ReplyDeleteYou know, there's a reason why I love Central PA, So much of the light and the truth of the Gospel gets lost when we get too concentrated (population, not depth of study), and the "Mormon Culture" takes over.
ReplyDeleteIn response to your tag, PP, your Boston "peeps" think you're an ass.
ReplyDeletei would say fire CSL- she's your worst writer and is a little bit ruining your blog. the other posts are much more entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious because it's so true. The first of every semester is just like that. I was content just watching from the back, playing hard to get :) I think you should write a post specifically about desperate girls bringing treats to guys. My friends and I were amazed at the scores of girls that would go over to our guy friends houses that filled their table with treats. I don't know about you but that's not part of dating, the guy is supposed to woo me. Maybe I'm just not down with being desperate. Love the blog...keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post because it was soooo true.
ReplyDeleteThe worst case of this was always the first Fast Sunday of Spring or Summer terms at BYUH when the "visiting students" came, you know, the ones from the "real BYU" (as some girl felt the need to tell me). The only addition to their description would be that they were all bright red having spent their first weekend in Hawaii at the beach, and thought Lobster was a good color so they didn't apply any sunscreen. Also, that the rest of us locals couldn't care less. Which never seemed to bother the "floozies" who always had a "surfer" boyfriend for the summer, you know the Lobster colored guys with too much hair gel who got up and never even attempted to share their love for their roommates or the bishop, just gave us their names, and location and focused on scoping out the floozies.
The best part? at the end of the term they would all go back up there and say how much they learned over the summer and how grateful for all the "new" experiences they had, you know, because they met people from crazy places like northern california and enjoyed the "hawaii" experience, without once having to talk or associate with the full time students from different countries or different states for that matter.
I stayed with my friends in Orem for a week and went to their singles ward, which just happened to be the first fast sunday of the semester. I swear you got the "testimony" word for word. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteHAHA! this is so hilarious and this is EXACTLY what does happen in singles ward! thanks for making me laugh - hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteThey should probably just get rid of Single's Wards to be honest.
ReplyDelete