W.M.G.S.S. Exposé: Oh,You're Not Getting Home Taught?

Laie, Hawaii-It's the last Sunday evening of the month and you're getting that "not so loved feeling" right now. Another month has now gone in the books where you haven't been visited by your Home Teachers. So the next week you get in touch with your Elders Quorum President and start inquiring about if you still have Home Teachers or not, and the EQP says, "he'll look into it." Oh my sweet sisters you have fallen into the Home Teaching Black Hole. I know many of you aren't aware of this phenomenon, but it's out there and is working at ward near you.

Let me give you a behind the scenes take on how you and all of your fellow sisters are being set up for Home Teaching. First, your Elders Quorum Presidency takes a look at the "Ward Menu". Just like most things in life, guys want to have a system in place where order is achieved. This is called the "Home Teaching Draft." Now the draft is a little different than your run-of-the mill Fantasy football league, because the draft is skewed in favor of the Commissioner (EQP) and his goons (1st & 2nd Counselors). The Presidency has the top three picks and these usually consist of the most desirable women/apts. After these are taken, then the remaining draftees are dispersed amongst the rest of the quorum. The most loyal members and members with incentives (tickets, vacation homes, access to attractive women, etc.) usually end up with the high lottery picks which allow them to receive the next most desirable women.

When the draft is over, the Presidency passes out the lists to the guys in the quorum. This is filled with much anticipation, because here one sees how their loyalty paid dividends or just didn't make the cut. Here we experience muted joys of celebration (complete with high fives and hand pounds) and scenes of sorrow (the pat on the back, the slumped disposition, or the realization that you have an "all dude" teaching pool). The President, without fail, gives his obligatory speech on how all the sisters should be taught and none neglected, as he and his henchman have thoughts of teaching their future wives in the next few hours. The desirable women get home taught and the ones that didn't make the grade...well, it's pretty much a crap shoot. These guys, feeling that all is lost until their next move or changing of the guard has taken place, become more elusive than a Hermès “Birkin” bag. The Presidency will always have their teaching complete, unless they already have someone wearing their chain. But if that falls through, they already have the #1 rated reserve in their arsenal.

Girls, don't feel bad about this setup. Natural selection isn't your fault. Sometimes there are glitches in the system, maybe a more desirable girl makes the unfortunate mistake of shacking up with with some "projects" or maybe your roommate poses a "conflict of interest" with your teachers (ex's, stalkers, siblings). But don't fret, these guys only come around once a month, however, if you really get fed up with not getting taught, the Presidency will, "look into" getting you some more guys that may be less desirable than you. Isn't it great when a happy equilibrium is established!