Thursday, April 2, 2009

Mistake #43 Hey Jealousy

(I swear this is ginger ale, and maybe they could all dress more modestly...)

I love you, but sometimes you are still single because of what you do to other girls. Here's a rundown. Let me know if this makes sense.

1.Fiancee-hatin' Felicity
So a roommate/best friend/sister is getting married. This is normally grounds for celebration, but not in Felicity's case. This is her time to shine as she sulks her way through the uneventful life she leads. Maybe she feels that since she is the older sister, she should be married before the more nubile one. I read this play by William Shakespeare, Taming of the Shrew, every heard of it? Well, it's a dang good one. Read, reflect, change, and repeat. Perhaps you're the roommate who might already have a boyfriend, but Mr. Slowpoke isn't putting a ring on your finger anytime soon. Even though we look dumb, guys can see through this catty crap. If your mood even resembles even one episode of Housewives of New York (which we have guiltily seen...) why would we want that for eternity? Engagements can be the hardest on the best friend, because he (the unassuming fiancee) seems to ruin all the plans and traditions you two have enjoyed. In my best condescending tone: "Honey, it's natural. When a girl likes a boy, and a boy likes a girl, they don't want to be bothered by your hatefulness." Don't worry. Be Happy. You'll eventually get yours...promise.

2.Gossiping Gwyneth
Ever wonder why people are mysterious, opaque, and closed these days? You know why you feel out of the loop in the ward? Because you spread people's bizness like a California wildfire. Gwyneth I know you have a "concern" for so-and so, but does everyone need to know she made a mistake? Don't be known as the go-to gal for "juicy" information. Take a sneak peak at Psalms 34:13.

3.Self-Righteous Sally
"K, so can I show you this paragraph in 'For the Strength of Youth' pamphlet?" Sally has a tendency to over-express her religiosity and her disdain for anything envelope pushing. Sally, I applaud you on your iron-rod approach, however, examples are great, but silence is golden! Girls don't need a pseudo-mom in their presence. Most girls appreciate your personal decisions and are more apt to follow suit without your blatant brow beatings.

4.Boyfriend Stealing Bethany
You're my favorite, because you are a go-getter! At first, it's flattering to every guy, because who doesn't like to be fought over? Also every girl knows you as their favorite lil' B. But in the oft-repeated words of that hit 1998 song with Brandy & Monica:

You need to give it up
Had about enough (Enough)
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine (To see the boy is mine)
I'm sorry that you (Sorry that you)
Seem to be confused (Seem to be confused)
He belongs to me (He belongs to me)
The boy is mine

Besides, playing the part of the boyfriend then becomes dangerous, because he becomes the jerk if he does move to greener pastures. Also getting involved in a drama-throwdown makes dating in the future seem less desirable. Besides, if he's actually willing to drop you for her, what makes you immune to being dropped in the future?

5.Ex-Girlfriend Elizabeth
Yo Liz, it's over. Chill. This isn't Gossip Girl. You haven't the skill of Blair Waldorf. Only a very select few girls do. You haven't the Upper East Side street cred, nor do you have a Dorota. Guys realize the "many fish in the sea" mantra, because you have so aptly expressed the 2-1/3-1 girl/guy ratio innumerable times. You're an ex for a reason, why not accept it and move on? I know this might sound harsh, but whenever ex-girlfriend tries to trump new girlfriend, the words CRAZY & OBSESSIVE always comes to mind. You've seen all the movies, that usually doesn't sit too well with the guy. So if you're looking to upstage the new girlfriend, you can wait like a fool, but it's like finding a dead cat in the street. No one wants to see that...

Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -- in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil...”Robert Heinlein


  1. Ha! Having an engaged best friend with an anxiety disorder live with me was the worst ever!! Hot piping hell-on-a-stick!!!

    More gratuitous exclamation points to emphasize how hellish it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Fortunately, I dealt with it with grace and poise, because I have inner strength that could kick the iron rod's BUTT!

    Totally love her, btw.


  2. First, I know girls that fit each profile in real life. You're good!

    Speaking man to man, you are WAY too familiar with gossip girl. No self-respecting male should know who Dorota is.

  3. i dont even know who dorota is! but these are all true. when one of my friends talks about looking hot and trying to make her ex jealous i just say "honey....time to give up"

    if you want to look good, look good for yourself, and get over the douchebag!

  4. I know you're trying to be funny, but you're kind of coming off as a jack-ass. Sorry. And you live in Utah county, yes?

  5. hahaha, this is hilarious! everything is so so SO true. keep it coming!! and all the haters, just stop reading the blog if you don't like what you read!

  6. It's pretty impressive how up to speed you are on every show that girls watch.. or kind of creepy. Maybe you sit in your parents basement everynight watching them??

  7. SO SOLID.And ILove Gossip Girl, so that was even better. Your next post should be about girls being over-the-top-blonde. Seriously I am blonde but I can't handle the dumbness! Let's get real, the get attention for the wrong reasons and then wonder why he is not calling?

  8. Congratulations!!! You managed another funny post and saved yourself from imminent doom!!!

  9. Dear editor,

    Who the freak are you and why aren't we best friends? Haha, I just found this blog from one of my buddies that posted it on an Fbook status... I can't stop peeing my pants. Seriously, I appreciate all you do. Almost every post you've written so far has honestly passed through my mind before. Genious. Pure genious (and balls).

    -A new fan

  10. Funnier than last time and less cynical - good job I won't unsubscribe yet but don't go back to bitter thirty year old who is about to get kicked out of the singles ward.

  11. But aren't we are bitter thirty year olds at heart? ;-)

  12. Well done! Good stuff Peter, good stuff.

  13. 30% of what you say is true, the other 70% is insecure male syndrome talking. All of these digs are a sad facade to a tiny man who has probably been dumped and dissed by women more than once.
    I feel sorry for you, and I hope you have plenty of vaseline. You'll be single for a loooong, long time, dude.

  14. there are some hateful comments on here. I don't get the need. if you don't like it, don't read every new post! and as for thinking broheim here will be single for a long time, what makes you think his life is defined by that? every dude i know could probably write a blog like this and do it solely off of watching his incredibly crazy female friends complain about why they remain single, and yet they don't do anything condusive to attracting someone! write on, bro! write on!

  15. you're getting funny again! keep it up, you'll be back to your old self in no time! and i LOVE that you name dropped gossip girl. blair waldorf is my girl.

  16. Love the Real Housewives throw back. This show is my new gulty pleasure.

  17. Lol. I don't even know who any of those people are. :) Great job on this post! I quite enjoyed it and it is very true! Sad to say, I have been one of those girls! lol. You live, you learn!

  18. So glad this is finally coming from the mouth of a man. I try telling fellow ladies this and they turn into premenstrual psychos who who tell me "wait until it happens to you, then you'd understand", what a crock!
    So, one afterthought what about the over protective bff Olive? You know, the girl who ALWAYS hangs around the guy making sure no one gets up on her "territory"? All the way waiting for him to fall madly in love with her? I need to b-slap her!

  19. "Ever wonder why people are mysterious, opaque, and closed these days?"

    All I have to say is- AMEN!

    A few weeks ago, I had a longtime acquaintance in the ward ask if I was all right, because it seems like no one knows anything about me in the Relief Society anymore. I said- Good.

    I just can't be bothered with all the "I mean the best for so and so, BUT" chatter, and ripping down other women who get attention, and "Did you know your EQP made out with Sarah" small minded discussions. It has become so pervasive that the only way to get rid of it is to stay out of sight.

    Ever wonder why the chatty kathies of the ward bemoan the practice of stealth dating?

    If you determine who you will and won't go out with based on acquaintances' opinions that you barely know in the third hour of church, talk about people you don't know as if you do know them- and bemoan the fact that you are still single- You are your own worst enemy. You have no one else to blame.

  20. From a long time, happily married Mom - Lets be honest. The real reason why there are so many unmarried single LDS girls is not because of major personality flaws, or not playing the "game" right, rather, due to the lack of serious, marriage-minded men willing to give-up their search for a "trophy wife" and get real about the true meaning of relationships and marriage.

    It is kind of a "First-come, first-serve" thing. All the good ones get snapped up leaving the leftovers (ahem - are you taken yet?). Plenty of good women, not enough good men. Just like in the Celestial Kingdom right?

  21. The church leadership at all levels, and at times with good reason, has always blamed the guys for the rising number of singles. Only occassionly will the RS sisters get lectured by the Bishop for not making themselves available to date (or any of the other observations the writers make).

    The leaders have not accepted responsibility for their contribution to this phenomenon. While the rest of the world is learning to date and pair off in their late teens, the church is, albeit with good intentions, actively retarding the social and emotional growth of the youth in regard to relationships, gender, and sexuality. It's no wonder RM's are so socially awkward and behave like teenagers.

    Nothing will materially change until the leaders take a multi-pronged approach and seriously address their own contributions to the situation, along with those made by the girls.

    Marriage is not an entitlement program for either sex.

  22. Great points Nate.

    Hapily married Mom - I disagree.

    Your points highlight some of the issues, but there is a logistics component to the problem. There are 50-55K unavailable men due to full-time missions. Further, another signficant portion of men are deemed ineligible because they are 18 or 19 and have not served full-time missions. This is a substantial portion of marriage age eligible men that are extracted from the population.

    This shift in population makes it impossible to for a substantial amount of women to find companions immediately. When the women run out of patience, they grieve to the leaders of the church, and the church leadership rebukes the men, which perpetuates this misconception.

    Before you tell me you know of a number of men that unmotivated and disinterested in marriage, for every man you know, I know of a women who thinks she is too young to marry or who has attended post-secondary school for 6mo, works at the GAP on the weekend, and thinks she is entitled to marry a dentist.

  23. Dude, would you get off your ratio high horse? Statistically, the ratio at BYU is 5 single guys to 7 single girls. At BYU-Hawaii it's 1 guy to 1.5 girls. One time in a single's branch I was attending, a guy friend commented to me in sacrament meeting about how the ratio was in his favor, so we counted together: 26 guys and 25 girls in attendance. Sure, it's not completely even, but insisting on 3 to 1 or 4 to 1 in several of your blogs is a little ridiculous.

  24. Ricks College USED to have a high ratio of 3:1 or 4:1...but since it has become part of BYUI, I have been gone too long to know if it is still that way or not. I am inclined to think that the ratio has become much more close. There was a time where guys at Ricks would bet on how many dates they could go on in a single week and the girls they date NOT knowing one another (hence to not get burned in the process) because of ward boundaries being so close and so small. These days, I am sure that those games/days are over.

  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

  26. Is that quote from Stranger in a Strange Land? I love Heinlein. And somehow, I'm not single!

  27. I currently attend BYU-Idaho and it's a much closer ratio...just not close enough! : )

  28. My Bishop read out the stats during a recent ward conference and stated the number of men and number of women in the ward and if there was one more guy in the ward it would be exactly 2 women to every man.

  29. I went through the ward list of the Longfellow Park First Ward in Boston, Massachusetts and counted 91 women, 66 men, and 6 unknowns (foreign names with no picture). That's about a 3:2 girl-to-guy ratio. Of course, there may be a disproportionate share of the men that are inactive. But a disproportionate share of the sisters are overweight, so I'd say the number of datable girls to datable guys is roughly equal.

  30. Im a married woman now, but all I have to say is AMEN brother! You are right on the money with these posts!

  31. I mostly just really love the Photo caption! I laughed much more at that than at the actual blog.

  32. Hahahaha I am so glad that my brother-in-law let me in on this treasure of a blog. ;)

    ps I would kill for a Dorota but right now my new husband will do.