Mistake #44 Me

(Yes, I'm a dog.)

Well, I knew this day was going to come. However, I didn't think it would take 2 1/2 months. This was at first a supposedly funny response to another blogger's site, but I soon found that my blog's overnight popularity was more intriguing to me than trying to match wits with another blogger's dating rules.

Honestly, I initially had a lot of fun with this blog. Being anonymous to everyone had me laughing through the night. Sometimes I couldn't believe the conversations about the blog amongst my friends and my ward. Keeping a straight face became almost an art. Boston was having fits and Provo (27,000 unique visitors) was subtly becoming my Mecca. But as the posts continued, the conversations turned more disheartening than promising. Hearing that some girls were reduced to tears and others "deeply hurt" finally made me wonder, "don't they see I'm just having some fun here?" Now that I realize that I was wrong, I am here to tell the truth before I disappear from the blogosphere.

To all the RM sisters and those still planning on serving a mission, Gotcha! I think you are all great! No matter what stereotype that is pinned on you, I still remember you are doing the Lord's work in bringing souls unto Christ. I respect that. Really.

Actually, every "type" of girl that has been portrayed in my postings all have an extreme great worth. No one should be considered less datable based on an objective criteria. We are all "flawed" in some respect, and it's what makes us all unique. I'm probably the most flawed of all. Although I don't "live in my parents basement" "find myself unemployed" "extremely bitter toward girls" or even "wrapped in a web of video/computer games," I still have many undesirable characteristics & traits. But just like anyone who has felt humbled, I want to be better too.

As many of you can attest, I haven't provided any real answers on how girls or guys (for that matter) can find companionship. All I've really done is re-started the discussion of why dating is so frustrating. Truthfully, I have just brought up old adages that have been recycled over and over again. Maybe I've added a new spin or put some cheeky pop cultural reference on some, but it's nothing new. Granted, I have received quite the handful of questions that are often over my spectrum of expertise (okay, one MFHD class doesn't give me any expertise.) I am quite flattered, but have no elixir or remedy. From my personal dating forays, nothing has been more successful for me than being honest, caring, and loving.

From the bevy of commentators, I have thoroughly enjoyed the comments. I definitely looked forward to the comments more than I looked forward to writing the next post. However, some of you were way over the top and the language got a touch sour at times. I'm not one to complain, but just one that observed. As my posts continued to get worse, the comments became greater and more incendiary in nature. The pattern was staggering and my heart became more uneasy.

No matter how relevant the subject matter posted was, being hurtful doesn't help any of us progress. I believe I was more enthralled in the "Oh that's sooooo true" comments, that I turned a blind eye to those that were offended/struggling with the comments. There seemed to be a general consensus that if someone was offended by the blog that they shouldn't read what was before them, but we have always been taught to stand up for what we think is right. So I believe it was fair that those objecting to a post had the right to do so. I am definitely awed in the psyche of a person, though. The fact someone can dislike a site and still come back again and again is a bit funny & disturbing. I tracked the IP addresses of multiple "Anonymous" responders who disliked the blog and found a 87% return rate of the 174 people I followed.

From this blog, I have gained a love for writing, and consequently, a desire to work more diligently on my sentence structure, spelling, and grammar. Maybe I'll take a class on satire. I also have decided to use my writing for something more uplifting and less of a degradation to our LDS sub-culture. Maybe you'll find me in the future writing something because it's insightful and not because it's disrespectful.

My apologies to Mike Cunningham, Dave Alba, Mike Visser, Jansen Gunther, Paul Dozier, and to any other guy who was thought to be behind this blog. As much as you would like to hate these guys: they are all innocent. You can hate them for something else. But I ask sincerely that you don't.

Maybe I'm stopping because I have a conscience somewhere in my apparent, "cold, bitter, soul" (someone emailed that to me.) But, I won't continue through your congratulations or your daily need to read my "funny" postings. I figure one day I'll meet my Maker, and hopefully through some repentance, I will have already exonerated this garbage from my "body of work"

But until then, the only reason why Mormon Girls Stay Single is me. Dating and finding the right person is hard, but rewarding work. The last thing you need is a unsuccessful single guy telling you how you're screwing it up. Forgive me, I am but a boy. One day, hopefully, I'll be a man.

Until we meet again,
Peter Preisthood aka (------- ----- ---- ---)

Fin

P.S. I never got caught and I'm not from Provo or Boston :)

Mistake #43 Hey Jealousy

(I swear this is ginger ale, and maybe they could all dress more modestly...)

I love you, but sometimes you are still single because of what you do to other girls. Here's a rundown. Let me know if this makes sense.

1.Fiancee-hatin' Felicity
So a roommate/best friend/sister is getting married. This is normally grounds for celebration, but not in Felicity's case. This is her time to shine as she sulks her way through the uneventful life she leads. Maybe she feels that since she is the older sister, she should be married before the more nubile one. I read this play by William Shakespeare, Taming of the Shrew, every heard of it? Well, it's a dang good one. Read, reflect, change, and repeat. Perhaps you're the roommate who might already have a boyfriend, but Mr. Slowpoke isn't putting a ring on your finger anytime soon. Even though we look dumb, guys can see through this catty crap. If your mood even resembles even one episode of Housewives of New York (which we have guiltily seen...) why would we want that for eternity? Engagements can be the hardest on the best friend, because he (the unassuming fiancee) seems to ruin all the plans and traditions you two have enjoyed. In my best condescending tone: "Honey, it's natural. When a girl likes a boy, and a boy likes a girl, they don't want to be bothered by your hatefulness." Don't worry. Be Happy. You'll eventually get yours...promise.

2.Gossiping Gwyneth
Ever wonder why people are mysterious, opaque, and closed these days? You know why you feel out of the loop in the ward? Because you spread people's bizness like a California wildfire. Gwyneth I know you have a "concern" for so-and so, but does everyone need to know she made a mistake? Don't be known as the go-to gal for "juicy" information. Take a sneak peak at Psalms 34:13.

3.Self-Righteous Sally
"K, so can I show you this paragraph in 'For the Strength of Youth' pamphlet?" Sally has a tendency to over-express her religiosity and her disdain for anything envelope pushing. Sally, I applaud you on your iron-rod approach, however, examples are great, but silence is golden! Girls don't need a pseudo-mom in their presence. Most girls appreciate your personal decisions and are more apt to follow suit without your blatant brow beatings.

4.Boyfriend Stealing Bethany
You're my favorite, because you are a go-getter! At first, it's flattering to every guy, because who doesn't like to be fought over? Also every girl knows you as their favorite lil' B. But in the oft-repeated words of that hit 1998 song with Brandy & Monica:

You need to give it up
Had about enough (Enough)
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine (To see the boy is mine)
I'm sorry that you (Sorry that you)
Seem to be confused (Seem to be confused)
He belongs to me (He belongs to me)
The boy is mine

Besides, playing the part of the boyfriend then becomes dangerous, because he becomes the jerk if he does move to greener pastures. Also getting involved in a drama-throwdown makes dating in the future seem less desirable. Besides, if he's actually willing to drop you for her, what makes you immune to being dropped in the future?

5.Ex-Girlfriend Elizabeth
Yo Liz, it's over. Chill. This isn't Gossip Girl. You haven't the skill of Blair Waldorf. Only a very select few girls do. You haven't the Upper East Side street cred, nor do you have a Dorota. Guys realize the "many fish in the sea" mantra, because you have so aptly expressed the 2-1/3-1 girl/guy ratio innumerable times. You're an ex for a reason, why not accept it and move on? I know this might sound harsh, but whenever ex-girlfriend tries to trump new girlfriend, the words CRAZY & OBSESSIVE always comes to mind. You've seen all the movies, that usually doesn't sit too well with the guy. So if you're looking to upstage the new girlfriend, you can wait like a fool, but it's like finding a dead cat in the street. No one wants to see that...

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -- in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil...”Robert Heinlein

Mistake #42 Nannies

All you glorified babysitters out there, listen up. You are a very peculiar people. First, every other "working" girl hates that you get to watch soaps, talk shows, and Lifetime all day long. Second, guys think you're a joke. Finally, every stay-at-home mom is jealous that you are getting paid to do a piss-poor job at raising children when their only pay are in the form of hugs and kisses. True, I fantasized about hooking up with my babysitter girlfriend back in high school, but your only appeal these days are unhappily married men who believe they finally have something more interesting to check out when they return home.

When we play the "get to know you" game during FHE, nannies are the most saddening to listen to. They all consider themselves an "Au Pair." This is mainly a ploy in making their jobs seem more elegant and refined. Unfortunately the poor girls haven't the slightest clue what this means. First off, an Au Pair lives in a foreign country. I don't care how esteemed and wealthy the family you provide your services for, if you aren't from another country or are headed to another country, drop the French act.

These children are not your children. Even if you spend more hours a day with them than their parents, you still have no ownership of the little rascals. That's your job description, silly. Hearing you say, "my kids" or "my baby" is nauseating. You have no children. You are paid labor. Granted, the kids might even call you "mommy," but you probably taught them to say that because you think it's cute when they accidentally blurt it out in front of their real mother. P.S. that pisses the real mother off.

I think it's kinda okay (not really though...) when you're perhaps between 18-22 years old and a nanny. I can somewhat respect that, but when you're 27 talking about picking up your kids from school, I can't take you seriously anymore. If you like taking care of kids that much, how about making yourself available on a Friday night instead of making Spaghetti O's and tucking in someone else's 3 year old.

Please refrain from telling me, "This job will help me in the real world." No future job you apply for will ask you for nanny experience (unless you're applying for another nanny job.) Telling us that your vacation home is on Catalina Island, The Hamptons, Martha's Vineyard, or Steamboat Springs doesn't impress. First, you're not inviting us, ever. Second, we all know these are not "vacations" for you. You are inside observing little Madison and Jaxson on their Nintendo Wii's, while their parents are outdoors enjoying the real "vacation".

My suggestion would be to hang up the diapers & play dates until you have your own little tykes, and save those jobs for the real "au pairs". But hey, what do I know? I'm still single myself, right?

Mistake #41 All-Girl Trips

Hey girls, so I hear you're going on a little all-girl vacation?

First, let me get this right. You spend all winter getting in shape from your eating fiascoes during the holiday season, and to reward yourselves you head on these week-long excursions with your lady friends? Okay, got it. Seriously?

I can understand if your guy friends have other things planned. Yes, we do have jobs of substance, but we do know how to put in a vacation day or two. However, I've heard through the grapevine that a few of your guy friends have asked to tag along and you shun them like the Bubonic Plague of the 1340's. What's the deal? Are we really that annoying to be around? Do you hate it when we can add a bit of history and background to the locale you plan on visiting? Are you going to all-women cities with all-women restaurants to do all-women shopping? H-No! So what's your hang-up?

Call me crazy, but doesn't this defeat the purpose of getting to know the opposite sex? I mean you cry and complain about having too many girl friends and not enough guy friends and then you hit us with this ultimate b-slap. I hope this isn't in retaliation to us not inviting you on any trips. Sorry, but you're the planners. Not to be sexist, but how many travel agents have you seen lately with "real" Y chromosomes? We really do appreciate your travel selections and are glad to accompany you.

I know that I'm just a naive guy, but from the looks of it, these are the only probable reasons on going sans-men:

1) You only go through this whole self-improvement phase to gain the approval of other rival women (which you secretly hate btw...)
2) You're actually trying to get your groove back in exotic places with non-MoMo guys. Stella, this only leads you down a slippery slope.
3) You feel uncomfortable with your body and you feel that only a girl can relate. (If I'm not mistaken, most of the comments from girls categorize men as "fat and balding." From that perspective, I think we can all be in agreement that your muffin top won't be a topic of discussion.)
3) You're just trying to get tanned with your girlfriends so you can attract guys later. Well crap, who's going rub tanning lotion on your back then?
4) You really have some pressing issues to mull over with your girls that a sleepover can't suffice.
5) You really love telling the guy who bought you an alcoholic drink that, "I can't, I'm Mormon."

Now, if you're gung-ho on making these trips, go ahead. At least mull over these potential problems:

• No protection whatsoever. How much do you really trust 4'9", 97 lbs Trisha watching your back?
  
• Sorry girls, but common sense in foreign locations never was your forte. See Brokedown Palace, Taken, Return to Paradise, & Missing in Aruba: The Natalee Holloway Case.
  
• Add extra risk if you're a blonde. As much as the first guy seems flattering, the next 300 Italian men fondling you make American guys seem like Prince Charming.
• Foreign guys DO NOT understand the word "No."
• If you're getting taken advantage of at Meineke Car Care, good luck with Cantonese street markets, the Taj Mahal vendors, Cancun taxi drivers, or some sketch cabana boy in Majorca, Spain.
• Who will you dance with? Will it be the guy who grinds you into a full on DH, or will it be Mr. Axe cologne who's just scouring the club for his next human trafficking victim.
  
• Who will give you a blessing if you get hurt?
• What are the chances you know the language...proficiently? Rosetta Stone only halfway works in a business meeting and is a non-factor when local colloquiallism is involved.
  

These aren't just rantings of a chauvinistic, bitter guy, these are also valid concerns that each one of your parents (at least the ones who actually care...) talk about before you head out into the unknown. So again, think twice. Better yet, just don't give us any crap at age 55 when we take golf trip pilgrimages and pay homage to every Robert Trent Jones designed course in the country.

Bon Voyage!!!!

Mistake #40 When the Wrapping Is More Interesting Than the Package by NM

Visualize this- It is December, there is a huge box underneath the tree wrapped in BMX wrapping paper and you are so excited! Beads of perspiration form on your forehead just thinking of Christmas morning. You just know that it is the bike you have always wanted. Christmas morning comes, you dash to the tree, ignoring all other presents and dive for the BMX box! You shred the wrapping paper, and underneath that glorious BMX paper is…WTF? This is super sized erector set? UGHHHHHH!

Might I be so bold as to parallel this sad Christmas tale with dating? I have seen it with the girls my guy friends take out time and time again. I actually suffered through a double date under these circumstances the other night. You know exactly what I am referring to- the wrapping does not match the package. When a girl has spent many years cultivating her appearance, which admittedly is in tip top condition, but sadly she has completely neglected to develop and foster a brain. She is but a hollow, albeit great looking, shell. This major omission effectively eradicates the possibility of carrying on a conversation about anything save it be other people’s appearance; and more often than not, the conversation revolves around degrading other people’s appearance.

Mike-“Hi Kimmie, how are you today?”

Kimmie (say this next sentence very bubbly, forget to breathe, and ignore all punctuation and the proper pauses that they indicate) -“Oh I am having a bad hair day…hehehe, I like your shirt…OMG look at that girls shoes, they totally don’t go with that outfit, ugh so ugly.”

I mean seriously, how dare that other girl inflict such a fashion atrocity on Kimmie and the rest of the sighted world?

Honestly what needs to happen in this situation is that Kimmie needs slapped up side the head and driven to the nearest Barnes and Nobles, while listening to NPR on the radio, so she can get a clue about life.

Ladies- the packaging is very important; looking, and smelling nice is critical- to attract a guy. To keep one, as well as prevent yourselves from being pitched off a cliff, or failing the proximity to a cliff, used as the bowling ball on your next date, you must actually have something interesting to say.

Do not put down other girls appearance to make yourself seem better, we get it; you are pretty, ON THE OUTSIDE. Do not whine to garner attention because your looks only got you so far. Try to join in and augment the conversation. The aphorism is true, people become more or less attractive the longer you know them. If you want to become more attractive, put down the latest fashion/gossip magazine. Try establishing hobbies and interests which will inevitably result in you forming complete, interesting sentences on your next date that do not involve some poor fashion impaired girls shoes.

Mistake #39 Daddy's Little Girl by DS

(This is a foregone conclusion...)

Your daddy's rich. We started catching on when you mentioned your trips to the Bahamas every winter. And the condo in Park City. Oh, and the ski vacations to Tahoe. The semester abroad in Europe was unforgettable. Your 58" flat panel TV also helped. And your $900 handbag. Wakeboarding? You took your boat out all the time. The Mercedes is classy, but the Range Rover is way more fun to drive.

We recognize that you're not saying all of those things to brag. You're saying them because to you, they're normal. That's the bizarre world you grew up in. You knew, in some philosophical way, that you were privileged in a way others were not. But you never got very far past the philosophical (unless you count the time you went to Africa to volunteer in an orphanage or the two months you spent teaching English in China).

You were bred to be high maintenance.

It's not that we're intimidated by you. It's just that when we see you, red warning lights start flashing in our heads. You see, we know that the number one indicator of our future wealth (or poverty) is the woman we marry. If you've got expensive tastes, chances are you'll waste all our money. And let's be honest - you're a depreciating asset anyway.

Mistake #38 Meet Your Parents? I'll Pass.

Heather has been dating Jake for the past 3 weeks. In her mind the relationship has been going well. From Jake's point of view things are going pretty cool too. They enjoy each others company and it's pretty much understood that Heather & Jake are like Diet Coke and lime...inseparable. Easter is around the corner and Jake is going to stay at school in Edmonton while Heather made plans 3 months prior to head home to Calgary. Late one night during their "quality time" Heather says, "Well...I talked to my parents today and they think it would be wonderful for you to come with me for Easter weekend." REWIND!

Okay girls, this is a major dating infraction. Why you ask? No guy in their right mind wants to visit your parents, unless he's pretty much ready to get down on one knee and and carry you off into the eternal sunset. What this also does is set you up for "The Question." It doesn't matter if you met the guy yesterday, if you bring Jake home, at least 3 of your foolish relatives will ask you point blank, "When are you getting married?" They of course add a little jovial laugh for extra effect. The next reason is that every family has a crazy. Every family. So just because you can handle uncle Steve with the meth addiction, doesn't mean Jake is super cool with him "chasing the white dragon"

Now bringing Jake home inevitably means photo album and home video time!!! This can have two distinct adverse reactions. First, the cacophony of Annie's Tomorrow on multiple occasions, your part as Julie in Saturday's Warriors, or your "guest" appearance with The 5 Browns can portray you as egocentric, diva-ish, and possibly hinting on malevolence. Or, your lack of talent coupled with your unsightly "pubescent" years brings us to pity you and garner more ammunition once this ill-fated relationship goes sour. (side note: these video/picture shows are only cute to your family that must "unconditionally" love you.)

Next you have the bedroom. Maybe your apartment room has been updated with the newest 600 thread count, Egyptian Cotton sheets from Restoration Hardware and accented with Pottery Barn accoutrements, but your room at home still has Bubble Gum Pink walls complete with fluffy bunnies, ballet slippers, and a canopy bed. No guy wants that mental image of the innocent 12 year old Heather, especially after last night's "Quality Time" was hardly innocent.

Later on, you have dad's unapproved stares, mom pulling the cobwebs out of her flirting techniques, and the handicapped relative showing out again. To make matters worse, there is always the über-awkward family argument:

Dad:"No honey we just can't afford to keep wasting money on your cosmetic upgrades."
Mom:"But you'll spend 300 dollars a week on greens fees?"
Dad:"That's an investment!"
Mom:"You're 58 and will never make the PGA!"
Dad:"Well you'll never win any beauty pageants with that botched lip job!"
Mom:"You shouldn't have been cheap and opted for Dr. Jiffy Lube instead of Botox!!!"

(Mom runs to her room crying and Dad storms out the house furious)

To sum it up, bringing Jake home has more downside than up. At least wait until he says, "I Love You" before you start bringing him home. You'll have plenty of time to show off your boyfriend in due time. For now just send home a picture or cardboard cut-out of him.