Friday, January 30, 2009
A word of advice. It's January. Most of the Northern Hemisphere is still pretty freaking cold. So, why do you want to wear your Rainbows every single day of the year? I don't want to hear you say, "Well, I'm from Montana," or "I'll be alright, I won't be outside long," when you are sporting some blueish/purple toes. What are trying to prove, that you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl? Isn't there like an unspoken rule that along with white shoes, that flip flops should be a no no after labor day? Let's just say you bought those shoes in June. Well, that's 6 months of dirty feet in those shoes. Do you think that it is appealing when you take your flip-flops off and stick those filthy, germ-ridden feet on our couches and ottomans. It pretty much rivals putting our shoes on your coveted Restoration Hardware sheets. Be a classy lady and buy some pumps or shoes with clean socks. If you really want to show some skin, pick up a pair of slingbacks or peep-toes. And finally my pet peeve:Under no circumstances is it alright to wear flip flops to church. Matching church wear with flip flops is like saying it's OK for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon to not sign a prenup. You're beautiful girls! Have a great weekend & I'll see you at church!
12:13:23 – Facebook photo: click
12:13:31 – Tag this photo: click
12:13:34 – Select a person (herself): click
12:13:41 – Select another person (boy with whom girl’s psychotically obsessed): click
12:13:49 – Done Tagging: click
12:14:03 – Next Facebook photo: click…
One half hour later…
12: 37:13 – Facebook photo: click
12: 37:19 – Tag this photo: click…
Remember the bit Peter P. wrote about on being too aggressive on Facebook? Well this isn’t quite as obsessively infatuated as relationship status requests, but it still scares the holy underpants off of guys.
We know you’re obsessed with this Prince Charming and would gladly be the Molly to his Peter. But is it necessary to tag yourself and him in every photo the two of you are in!? Hell no!! He doesn’t want each of your 136 mutual friends (and change) to see the two of you tagged in 14 photos on their Newsfeeds. Nor does he want to explain to the three other girls he’s seeing how the two of you aren’t ‘an item.’ Girls, this is called passive-aggressive and it’s a no-no (shame on you). So, next time try tagging just your favorite photo (not photos) from last night’s euphoric evening. If you go any further than that, we can guarantee you that Prince Charming isn’t going to be too happy with you especially if you’ve successfully scared away those other ladies.
Speaking of which, don’t ever tag yourself and your obsession in photos from your first date months after the fact (have some dignity, please). We know what you’re doing. And no, it doesn’t throw us off when your roommate does the tagging for you.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
As many of you have expressed, "It's what's on the inside that counts." But if that's the case why do you blatantly spackle your face with makeup? I'm not a cosmetologist, nor do I have the urge to run down to the Dallas Roberts Academy to learn, but isn't makeup supposed to enhance your facial features? When our dates show up with their faces 10 times lighter or darker than the rest of their bodies, we're thinking, "Why is she packing so much glorified dirt on her face?" It's just as much of a hassle trying to keep that crap from falling off your face and onto our clothes as it is to apply that mess. The worst is when you have a distinct dividing line between the plastered face, hairline, and neck. Now I understand the "powdering your nose" gesture girls like to throw out on you. Ok, we all, one time or another, have had some sort of complicated skin, but why clog up the situation with concealer and powder. Let your faces breathe every once in a while. Take the Accutane, use the Murad, try some Clearasil. The difference between guys and girls is that you tend to rely on quick fix solutions to a nagging problem. Know why few men have complexion problems after their missions? They let the problems run their course. I know running around with a naked face is somewhat of a faux pas or embarrassment to some of you, but be strong and get over it! It's like wearing braces. Everyone has to wear those unsightly contraptions, but it's better than being 26, single, and having jacked-up teeth. And for you girls who think we don't notice the crumbly makeup covering the acne, we do. Here are my top ten suggestions:
1) Cleopatra died in 50 BC, leave the extended eyeliner crap for Halloween.
2) If you don't have full lips, it's okay. Don't try to Angelina Jolie us by adding lipstick above your natural lip line. We don't fake you out by drawing additional muscle striations in our arms.
3)When adding eyeshadow, take a quick look in the mirror next to a pic of Mimi Bobeck. If you two resemble even a little, tone it down...a lot.
4) When applying make-up you should be able to blend the makeup with the skin around hairline and neck areas. If not, scrub your face and start over again.
5) If you're sweating through your makeup, don't wear it. It can get nasty.
6) Just because you have eyeliner, blush, lipstick, concealer, foundation, and eye shadow doesn't mean you need to use them all going out.
7) Wearing make-up to the gym is ridiculous. You're supposed to sweat there. (Remember #5)
8) Naked lips with a little gloss or nude lipstick is all you need sometimes. Continuous red usage puts your look a little on the whorish side.
9) Don't wear blush if you already have Rosacea on the cheeks, silly.
10) If you need to take a break from makeup, do it! Most girls will be fine with just a little mascara.
Could you at least try this out, please?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The number one double standard I find in my ward is that it's not ok for straight guys to be too close, too friendly, or buddy buddy which each other (which I agree to an extent...) but girls can practically be on each others laps stroking one another's hair and it's totally Kosher. Now girls you might not think this is harmless, but let's switch the roles for a sec. Sure, you might walk hand in hand, have sleepovers in the same bed, or kiss each other jokingly, but can you even imagine this happening to one of your straight guy friends? (I just vomited on my keyboard at that mental image...excuse me as I clean up.)
No, you would think they were a couple of Sigfried and Roy's! So when you start spending all(this is not an exaggeration...) your time with your roommate and you both get these super cute pixie haircuts, don't be surprised when we get a little suspect and hesitant to ask you out. The part that I don't get is that you are constantly connected to the hip. I hope this lesbianistic approach isn't a way to fill a void. Are you trying to play out the mission you didn't serve, devoid of all the tracting and isolation? However, if you are a member of the GLBT society, great! But could you at least give us a heads up. I mean, knowing is half the battle...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Maybe even frozen. Remember how you don't stand a chance against the spring/summer chickens? Everybody wants summer love, but summer may not be the best time to find it. If you live anywhere besides Phoenix or Southern California, you're probably up to your pretty little (or not-so-little...) hips in snow, nursing a more or less constant cold, and generally freezing your rump off.
Guess what? So are we. Wouldn't you just love to have somebody to cuddle with in this lousy chill and watch movies? So would we. I once had a bishop who was fond of saying that romance can bloom in every season, but particularly when we're hot and bothered or cold and bored. If you can't remember the last time you found a guy you liked in the former state, you might try your luck with the latter.
So here's how you work the system.
1. You do your darndest not to let yourself go uggs during the winter. Shave your legs, even though you're wearing pants (helps the attitude). Take advantage of winter fashion. Layers are great for dressing up a package that has a few more pounds than you might like. Wear attractive clothes and bright colors. No matter how much you have to drug yourself or shun your roommates, stave off the cold. When we see you looking vibrant and alive all winter you start to look pretty good, especially when the better looking girls start to let themselves go. Keep your lips from chapping and they'll look more and more inviting as the winter keeps on.
2. Make yourself abundantly available. Call and invite us over for a movie or Sunday dinner. When we shoot you down (hey, we get these calls quite often so be patient) call us a few days later. Be careful, because this can be easily overdone, but if you make your interest known we can usually be persuaded to do something that takes little effort on our part. Offer to come to the guys place for a movie. Bring a soft blanket, and we'll Febreeze the boy smell.
3. Once you snag us, you gotta hook us. Use the winter to make us realize your beautiful qualities. So when the ice melts and the spring chickens start poking their heads around, we'll know we've already found one worth roosting with all year long.
SENSITIVE SUBJECT ALERT!!!
Girls, how do I put this? Ok, running into hairy situations are not that appealing to us. I can talk all day about your legs. I get it, it's winter you're cold. You'll wear trousers and be done with it til Spring. Fine. Whatever. But your face? C'mon girls help a bro out. When we see images of thin lines above the lips across the room, we are just hoping it's a mirage. This is just a lack of not even trying to care. You're telling the world look at me and my stash. Nothing else really matters after that point. Here's a quick hair-raising experience a guy emailed me:
I had been hanging out with this one particular girl for a while... Things were moving along pretty easily and smoothly... I had noticed that there may have been some random hairs on her face but gave her the benefit of the doubt of being a human being and did everything in my power to ignore such an unfortunate hereditary disease... So, one day we finally kissed... Usually this would be an experience that could make or break a relationship... As we kissed for a minute or two I started thinking to myself, "I feel kind of badly because I should have shaved today so that I don't start chaffing this girl's face." Then, the terror set in as I made a realization, I HAD SHAVED THAT DAY!!! I was feeling HER lip whiskers on MY face! I had to do everything in my power to not puke in her face and casually and calmly end what could have turned into a great make out sesh... Since that day, I have never been able to look at her the same let alone kiss her... She actually asked me one time a few weeks later why it was that we had only kissed the once and then never again... I had to pull the sensitive card and lie to her that kissing wasn't that important to me at this point in the relationship and that I just wanted to get to know her better and let things flow... To make things worse, one day we were talking on the phone and when I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was waxing her eyebrows... Then she said that she did not know why she had just told me that... Then, testing the waters and pushing the limits a little bit, I said to her that it was fine to say that, but if she had said something like she was waxing her beard then that would be a strange thing to say to any guy... She then countered with, "oh I would never wax my face!" My heart sunk with hopelessness as I realized the utter ignorance of this poor girl...
See girls it's like you are doing this purposefully. But in your defense, dude should have seen that hot mess of a stash before the lip lock. I know that there are products out there. Even I tried this once to help out my girlfriend's sensitive skin. We don't want to know why you are getting these stashes (hereditary, PCOS, lack of estrogen, dark hair on fair skin, etc.) we just plead with you to make it gone. Some first steps would be bleaching and shaving, but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. (Insert your favorite Palin joke here.) Some better alternatives are tweezing, waxing, and dipilatory creams. However, why suffer week-in and week-out with these suggestions? Drop the coin you were planning to spend on Clinique, MAC and Mary Kay products and head over for some electrolysis or laser-hair removal. Suggestion: Ask daddy if he can help you get smooth on the face. Dads eat that crap up, and there's your coinage!
Monday, January 26, 2009
This is for all the chickadees (18-21 year olds) out there. Most of the second halves have gone through this before, so I think they feel you going through this uninformed is like a rite of passage for all single women. Aren't you glad I'm here? So you're in love, right? You and your new guy/boytoy have such wonderful dates and are so passionate & intimate together alone. You feel like he's the one and you start whispering to all your little girlfriends about how ridiculously perfect he is. But there is a little problem. You grab his hand on a walk amongst friends and he pulls away. You give him a little kiss on the cheek at church and he's like,"Hey, enough with the PDA!" You introduce him as your boyfriend to some of your single friends and he has that little awkward fidget and half-heartedly says something faint and unpronounceable. You think he's just shy and you try to please him more in private to get him to open up more in public. Big Problem. Girls you're getting played by a PLAYA! Dude's acting coy because he's hookin' on the DL with your visiting teacher supervisor. When single guys have a smorgasborg of opportunity they like to "graze." Just like cows, we graze in one little patch for awhile and if it becomes less palatable we find another part of the field to graze in. Sometimes we go from coast to coast, ward to ward, or even door to door (Avenues where my Playas at!) Mormon guys are simply lushes. If we're liking your goodies, trust me, we'd be holding that hand & accepting that kiss anywhere. To get your guy trained, hold off the lip service for a couple days. Then invite him over while your friends are there. Please make sure you tell them you're doing this beforehand so they aren't just grossed out by your final attempt to leash onto your guy. Welcome him in with a prolonged kiss. If he takes the bait with the crowd, you can C'est la vie your girls. If he fails and is still embarrassed, drop his ace in front of the girls. It's a win-win situation for you. Now wasn't that easy?
Love this blog! You guys are great, however I need some advice... I wouldn't call myself overweight but I was not comfortable with my body, so I decided to do something about it. I've been eating really healthy since Thanksgiving and I feel great. I have a hard time though when I'm eating around guys on a date or just in general. Some give me a hard time and I know a lot of guys say they HATE it when girls just pick at a salad when they take them to dinner; but I also know they'd prefer a healthy, fit girl to take to dinner. How exactly do I handle this, especially on dates? I dread when a guy says "Let's go get some ice cream!" Any advice?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Go·ing Du·tch – a thing girls do to let guys know they like them.
Pronunciation: \gō-iŋ \dəch\
Definition: when a female bears the financial burden for her half of a date.
So you like a boy. What do you do? Try going Dutch. Not on the first date, silly. He'll think you're hinting this isn't a date, at all. But on the second date, when the check comes or you both approach the register, take that plastic out of your little Gucci handbag and tell him you'll pick up his half if he'll pick up yours ;)
It works quite well. Men respond to incentives and two in particular: physical and financial ones. This blog's PG-13, so we'll skip to the financial types. If you want date number three, provide a financial incentive: Go Dutch! What this says to us guys is that we don't need to break our piggy bank to woo you. We dig that. Its about the best thing you can do early on, other than knocking us a little goodnight kiss or two(…). Going Dutch also tells us that you're probably not that high maintenance, fairly level-headed, reasonable, and independent (so attractive).
And for you cultural conscious donne, it's in vogue, too. They're doing it all over Europe including Italy— pagare alla Romana. So, ladies, when you like a guy, pay as they do in Rome, Go Dutch!
Enjoy your Girls Night!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Recently the country had it's annual McDonald's Monopoly Game Sweepstakes. It's pretty simple, collect the same colored game pieces and win a cash reward. They also have instant win pieces where, you could win food prizes such as McFlurry's or Hot Apple Pies. These contests are pretty much rigged to get people in the doors. The chance of anyone winning the big prizes are as often as Amy Winehouse actually making it through a drug rehab program. But the small prizes are as plentiful as the Freshman 15 Teletubby Girls in Helaman Halls. However, one newly formed couple had a devastating chink put in their relationship when the girl went overboard. It started off as a harmless little game.
Nick "Hey honey, wanna grab lunch at Micky D's"
Cindy "Really? Why, I haven't been there since I was a kid"
Nick "Well, I just wanted to try out the new Monopoly game that's going on there."
Cindy "Ok, come pick-me up in 15?"
Nick "Well, what do you want?"
Cindy "I guess a salad and a bottled water"
Nick "You got to get at least an Extra Value Meal with a large drink to get the game pieces"
Cindy "Fine, I'll get a Grilled Chicken Extra Value Meal and a large Diet Coke"
Nick "Shoot, I didn't win anything...maybe next year."
Cindy "I won a soft-serve ice cream cone!" "This is kinda fun!"
And so it began. No one really put two and two together, but the girl grew up outside of Atlantic City and her mom was a former Publisher's Clearing House and Powerball addict. Next thing you know, girl has gained 13 lbs and reeked of vegetable oil and potatoes. Dude wasn't upset, just worried.
Cindy "No thanks, but can we go to Mickey D's tonight? "I just want to get some more pieces for my game board."
Nick "What! You're still playing that game!" "We went to McDonald's like 3 weeks ago!"
Cindy "I know, but I get my girlfriend to grab me something when she goes out to lunch."
Nick "This is why you're getting...
Cindy "Fat?" "Is that what you're aluding to?"
Nick "Well, you've apparently been smuggling Extra Value Meals everyday."
Cindy "Honey, that's fine I cancel it out with a Diet Coke, besides I think my weight gain is hormonal."
Nick "No, that's what larger women say when they are in denial!" "We need to end this now!" "Where is your game piece stash?"
Cindy "Why?" "I'm doing this for us."
Nick "For us?" "We've been dating for 5 weeks and half of the time you've been sneaking fries, nuggets, & Big Macs in your belly." I thought you wore my sweatshirt because you liked my smell, not because you're hiding your eating obsession." "I really care about you, but if you continue with this, it's either bulimia or losing me..."
Girls, you're guilty of this. We like you and we want to take you out, but this confuses us a bit. When we formally ask you out (no, "Let's hang out" or "I'm hungry let's eat" b.s.) we expect it to be just two of us. Now, when did you decide that a date included your dateless roommate or another friend? We hear such garbage as, "Can Barbara come along?" or "Stacy is going through a rough patch right now, do you mind?" Hell no Barbara can't come along! She can order delivery, start up a Netflix movie and call it a night. "Stacy's going through a rough patch?" "Well Stacy can go talk to the R.S. President for a couple hours, until you get back." Furthermore, being a third wheel on a date is pretty much the saddest thing to go through. A better suggestion would be to run this scenario in your head first, and if you come out with the same conclusion call the guy and decline. Let me give you a heads up what we are thinking:
1) I get it, you're not that into me, screw you I'm going home! (normal guy)
2) I'm paying for how many meals? (confused sucker)
3) I'm totally going to the most expensive restaurant in town, and take off half way through the meal. (opportunist)
3) How do I get rid of this girl? (universalist)
4) Lord, did I not repent of everything this week? (self-righteous)
5) This girl better be
6) Well, here's another night with no action (pessimist)
Ladies, let's go over to the common sense table for a second. If for any reason you want to bring another girl along, call us first. We have resources. You know the term, "Wingman?" Well, this is the perfect opportunity to show you how it works. You got a sad girl friend, then we've probably got a desperate guy friend willing to take her out. Trust us, we always have somebody to blackmail or that needs to return a favor to us. I firmly believe in the phrase, "There is somebody for everyone," especially after some of the wedding announcements I've seen. Now on the other hand, if you're not interested, say you're not interested. Guys usually don't come with much drama and emotion, we can take it. Don't bring another mouth to feed, that just pisses us off and makes the whole night awkward. Oh, and if by some unforeseen reason this girl is actually more appealing than you are, you are totally subject to the roommate/friend switch. You pretty much have no room to speak, because you dug your own grave. I know you're smarter than this...
I'm feeling pretty remorseful about the Sister Missionary post. From your emails and posted comments you feel strongly that it was way over the top. It certainly was and the ironic thing is I have quite a few close friends and family that have served as Sisters. It was very risky move, which had many unfavorable returns. Well, I took care of it. It's deleted, gone...forever. Moving on.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Remember those guys in high school that are afraid to move on hotties, so instead they pretend to be gay just so they can hang out with 9s and 10s. These guys exist in YSA wards, too, except they don't pretend to be gay. Instead they pretend to be genuinely interested in your mundane life. Their angle is to construe every advancement on you as part of their greater church service. They're hanging out to fellowship, stopping by because your hometeachers don't, and inviting you to their informal "church activities" every other evening. During the process, they hope that somehow they'll magically end up dating you. It's the backdoor approach they live for.
They do things like hawk new girls at church, promise to introduce them to all the cool guys (themselves), get involved in every facet of every committee possible to look sharp in front of the ladies, do frequent check-ups on you even though they're not your hometeachers, treat you like you're still in swaddling clothes, and volunteer to do anything as long as it entails interacting with an attractive female ward member. They usually have an important calling at church, and when they don't, they pretend they do. You find them charming in a creepy 'why are you trying to act like my father figure' sort of way. And while at first you're freaked out by how concerned for your personal life they are , you resist this premonition because you're their special "fellowship project."
But ladies, Beware!—these types have numerous special "fellowship projects," are desperate for affection, unsure of how to express it, secretly socially inept, and about as genuine as your hometeachers that show up on the 31st. Most importantly, they try to frighten you away from anyone actually worth dating. Because we care about you and don't want you to miss out on any of the genuine Peter Priesthoods or EQPs out there, here are five hints on how to tell if you're hanging out with one of these tools:
- He will ask you who you like at church and then shoot down every guy that is not his best friend or him.
- When you hang out with a really cool guy you like, he will pull you aside to inform you that your date is a player, nicmos all the time, and is generally an unworthy priesthood holder.
- He will tell you who the "good guys" are to date, which all happen to be his oddly similar best friends.
- He will tell you who the "bad guys" are, which all happen to comprise the majority of the guys you actually find interesting.
- He will want to approve all your relationship decisions, assume some fatherly role in your life, and when you politely suggest that you have hometeachers (and parents, too), he'll act surprised because he is just fulfilling his church duty.
So this blog has been officially live for one week! 4500 hits isn't bad at all. I would like to thank everyone who decided to flip the curiosity switch and read an entry or two. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but we all get our kicks in different ways and I can respect that. So I have another message from The Inbox I would like to respond publicly to. This one seems a little fishy since she goes by "Molly Mormon," but I obliged, as advertised, to answer all of my emails.
1) Oprah ever keeping to any of her plethora of diets ( I mean if a billionaire can't find a way...)
2) Kate Moss ceasing her summer "snow" showers or,
3) Getting me to volunteer at Starbucks for 5 hours for a cup of coffee (that's at least $25 at minimum wage!)
But girl, it can be done. Remember what you did on that last date? Don't do that anymore. If you want this man, you better come with it. That's precious that you're waiting for chivalry, but there are plenty of girls in in the Newport Coast (YSA) ward turning a nice leathery, wrinkly orange as they sit waiting on Mr. Hollister and Mr. Abercrombie to get home from Gold's Gym. Flaunt your assets. You know that Shade cami with the lace fringe you got in Rose Petal, Mulberry, Graphite, and Bark? Ummm, don't wear that, show a little waist or muffin top. Intelligence is key. Play the "Maybe Next Date" card. Pick something that you are extremely good at and kick his little trash. You got a hidden interest in card counting from your '07 trip to Vegas? Get a game of 21 going, beat him once, quit and watch him squirm. We hate losing and we will always always always ask for a rematch. Just throw out the "Maybe Next Date" card and you are on to date number two! You want a walk to the door? Pretend you injured your ankle right before you get into the car. He'll feel awful and will examine your foot and maybe play doctor on your ankle (clean feet please...dirty, cracked underfoot is not acceptable for this one!) This one is money because he'll definitely want to use his machismo to carry you to the door (there's your chivalry right there). Oh is it a hug you want? This is where Burberry Brit for Women comes in. One little squirt is all you need for him to fantasize that extended embrace at the front door.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
In light of the historic events that are happening today in Washington, D.C., I would like to include comments that might make relationships easier to stomach when political differences arise. Just to clarify, this is meant for single girls and guys alike. No one is at fault, because my intentions are not to justify whether there is a right or wrong party. When getting involved in relationships the age old question will eventually arise: "Who are you voting for and why?" To be quite frank, this can be a very sensitive subject to even bring up, so the utmost maturity should be evoked when tackling this topic. Realizing that your ideals are not necessarily the expressed ideals of your significant other should be considered and respected. Being a good listener and having an open mind is worth it's weight in gold when politics are being discussed. You might even learn a thing or two or even embrace some ideas your partner feels passionately about. Even though we are all under the umbrella "Mormon," it doesn't give us the right to assume that there is a "Mormon" political affiliation. Not all Massachusetts Mormons are Democrat and not all Idaho Mormons are Republican. Outliers are everywhere and a state border will never define every individual. Are you struggling with unresolved issues that stem from previous political arguments? Keep communication lines open and allow these differences to be addressed without the fear of being brushed aside or ridiculed, besides I'm pretty sure that a hostile environment isn't the best way to discuss differences. As this last election obviously displayed, the country was virtually split down the middle when it came to which party everyone voted for, so there is a good chance this will be a reality in your relationship. Also some people are more involved with politics than others, so making a partner feel inadequate about their political knowledge doesn't help anyone. Agreeing to disagree is a much better solution than "going to sleep angry." In a perfect world, yes, having the same values, ideas, and beliefs would ideal, but in the words of Paula Abdul, "Opposites Attract!" Happy Inauguration Day everyone and go find someone to celebrate with!
Monday, January 19, 2009
*Crazy is not representative of all girls, but it's probably the majority.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Girls, I'm back with an oldie, but a goody. Word on the street says some of you girls are skipping bath time and other grooming habits altogether. Tsk, tsk, tsk... First and foremost, skipping showers are a no no. No matter how much you lounged around Saturday reading US Weekly, watching season-long DVD's of Friday Night Lights, and eating the crap out of some cheap dark chocolate, your sebaceous glands are still getting a workout. You don't think you stink, of course you don't. You can't smell yourself, but you're still funky. Here's a couple of suggestions: Soap is fun, use it daily. Shampoo is essential, because we don't like rubbing our hands through oil slicks. Don't tell me that not shampooing for a couple of days is good for the hair. Smell you roommates hair after day one, I promise you'll immediately regret that decision. Deodorant with anti-perspirant's are pretty much golden! If you are sensitive, I've seen natural brands out there. Wash your clothes!!! Masking your dirty clothes with body sprays is sick nasty! It's just like Febreezing the bathroom after "powdering your nose." Walk out and walk back in, now breathe. Still smells like crap, doesn't it. So before you knock on us for being, "stinky sweaty puppies," check yourself, because you probably already wrecked yourself.
The blog has added another lay employee! Get to know EQP (You know what that stands for...)
Everyone loves the summer: the weather's good, the days are longer, school is out, work is light, and more than anything, love is in the air. That's right girls; the warmer solstice and its surrounding months mean, OMG, summer flings! More importantly, these summer flings bear the potential for something special—the chance this fling evolves into a full-on autumn "fall into love" (with a spring wedding attached). So, ladies, what's the problem you ask? The dreaded summer interns!?
Yeah, that's right. Each spring/summer brings a whole slew of female interns into the urban YSA environs—LA, New York, DC, San Fran, Chi-town. You, the long-term female ward members hate this. You claim your reasoning is because they crowd the chapel and classrooms, but we know the real reason why: you can't stand these interns claim jumping 'your' priesthood holders. It doesn't help any that they're new, attractive, friendly, and fun. You draw up yet another Mason-Dixon Line in hopes of protecting your monopoly on the EQ club. But we're guys! We cross lines women draw for us. This infuriates you. We understand why. You want that summer fling with all its righteous eternal potential!
So, why not stop hating the interns and learn from them. There's a reason we spend our summers with them (and it's not just to hit-it-and-quit-it). We fancy summer interns because they're nice, friendly, fun, and come with few preconceptions (about us). We know you've been in the ward for three years going on four AND you think you know every guy. But that's not a reason to be boring and bitter and stay home to watch Gilmore Girls. Its summer, spice it up a bit! We dig girls that are outgoing, spontaneous, and adventuresome. Try it sometime. After all, didn't it work for you on your last internship? ;)
Salt Lake City...we've got a problem. This has been discussed over and over amongst the male species and I think we need to go to the top for some answers. Girls, I really didn't want to do this! Pshhh... yes I did. Frustrating guys for centuries is the infamous Roommate/Best Friend Swap. Many have attempted it, but few have come out with the prized goods. So this is how it pans out: Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy and girl start dating, something unfavorable happens & a breakup ensues. All of a sudden, her roommate down the hall looks extra nice & clean smelling at church. Let's just say, for effect, she just happens to be wearing a little Burberry Brit for Women. Sigh... Guy asks her, "how's it going?" The two chat, she starts giggling a little bit, touches his elbow, and they part ways. But not before he totally asks her out, and she accepts. However, lurking behind the Sunday School room is the ex "eagle eying" the whole convo. Her mission for the next few days is to c-block any attempt he has to win the affections of her roommate AKA "Best Friend". She finds every piece of dirt about the guy and spreads it on the roommate like ashes after a funeral. By the time date night comes around, "Grandma Bonaparte is sick and I need to go visit her."Guy sees through the lie, because (he's such a stellar guy and remembers past conversations) he realize it's Friday night and grandma Bonaparte moved back to France 17 years ago. Girls, I don't know what you consider friends, but guys aren't that conniving...we punch each other in the face and move on. Since a majority of you relate well with high school drama, let's break it down Gossip Girl style. Instance #1: Blair and Nate are the über-couple. Blair has an indiscretion with Chuck. Nate finds out gets pissed at Chuck and moves on. Blair and Chuck are in the clear. Instance #2: Vanessa dates Dan pre-show, then comes back into his life but falls for Nate (Dan's eventual pseudo-friend) and Dan's cool. Now here's the flip side. Jenny hooks up with Nate, Vanessa sabotages Jenny (the letter), then Jenny embarrasses the hell out of Vanessa (remember the shear dress?) The minute Dan and Serena break up, Serena totally humiliates Dan's new girl. Why the double standard girls? Some of you need to take your girl Beyoncé's advice: If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. What do you think?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Welcome to the Colonial 1st Ward(YSA) of the Mount Vernon Stake in Mount Vernon, VA (please...this could be any YSA ward.) Sacrament is just underway and we have: Opening Hymn-Check. Opening Prayer-Check. Sacrament Hymn-Check. Sacrament-Check. Backscratch time!-WTF? Ok, everyone who thinks I'm just bitter toward women-I actually like this one and look forward to this, IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME. However, single girls you are 100% guilty of this one at least 89.63% of the time (some obscure fact on Wikipedia...) But why? Why do you have to start a back rub chain gang? This looks like the type of crap that goes on in a women's prison. I know everybody likes a good back rub, but how sore and tired are you really at 10am? Long day at church already? Those heavy sacrament cups giving you kinks in the neck? It's as if that talk on "What I learned as a Beehive has set me for life" hasn't knocked you out already you need to administer that final knockout punch. You're so selfish!! You know what everyone is thinking, right? I won't generalize this time, so I'll give you a few ideas: Softball teammates, "bff's...riiiiight.", ex-cons, or friends of Lindsay & D.J. Ronson. Maybe you're thinking, "Hey if Adam sees how good I back-rub Lisa, then maybe he'll get interested in me!" Wrong. Your best case scenario is that he is daydreaming that both of you are giving him backrubs. So whatever your fancy is, whether it's "circular motions" "Shiatsu" (distracting) or the "Guess What I'm Writing on your Back Game," save it for your stuffed animals or for your future kids in the Family ward.
After a wonderful sleep last night, I woke up to one of my favorite comments thus far. I mean you guys are amazing. I just love you to death! Oh and I left her a message too! I will always return emails. I removed the names to save your face (you know who you are). Besides, I'm not a relationship-wrecker. Save that for Sienna Miller.
On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 12:55 AM, Some nice young lady wrote:
This isn't hate mail, but it was my favorite choice of comments, suggestions, or hatemail requested by your narrowed plea. What about musings? Maybe you could add that. Wait--I think this just became a suggestion. (Oh snap) I think your blog is hilarious, though necessarily biased. I know who you're talking about--mousy-haired, slightly chubby, pale, smart, English-major Mormon girls who dress as though GAP is the only retail store on the planet. You're forgetting the attractive (I guess in man-speak this means "hot"), intelligent, ambitious girls who complete their educations and pursue careers...oh wait, from the misogynistic entries you must be directing your blog to them too. (So I guess this now just turned into hate mail). I dont' have a problem with you teaching girls how to attract men, but I do bristle at the insinuation that education and career and intelligence automatically mean "ugly." I'm really hot. (Yeah, there isn't anything leading from that, I just wanted to say that I'm hot.) Also, you criticize expensive taste in one suggestion, yet condone it in another. So wait, I can't wear my Mahnolos, but I should wear my Burberry? Your hypocrisy is further exposed by telling girls to look hot. I'm sorry, but Buckle and AE aren't (ha!) gonna clean anyone up pretty. I think it would be interesting to do a partner blog about hot girls who date down--they marry the funny, slightly overweight guy who happens to be really sweet. Or loud, really-not-as-good-looking-as-he-thinks-he-is, life-of-the-party guy who still believes that his popularity in high school entitles him to as many hot honeys as he can score in one NCMO session. I mean, really, I see hot girls with less attractive guys all the time. I married (I tend to think of him more as a boyfriend) someone who isn't as hot as I am. Did I mention that I smell great, give lengthy massages, and LOOK REALLY HOT ALL THE TIME? I also have a great butt. Really firm, slims down into long, shapely legs. Anyway, hot girls marry dumpy guys all the time. This is a pretty non-directional, random email, which is why I didn't have a classification the first place. I figure I might as well try to hit all three requests, so here's a comment, suggestion, and hatemail all in one.
You suck. You. Suck. YOU SUCK.
Have a lovely day!
Hi Mrs. Some nice young lady,
First off, thanks for the suggestion of musings, I will add that to the blog! Second, kudos for taking the time out to write me, your email length suggests more than just a passing interest, but I will refrain from assuming. I like smart girls. Especially smart girls with glasses. You'll read about that post later, I hope...Smart girls are much more palatable during dinner. I know what "hot" means, but I mentioned it because it's a universal term used by my guy and girl friends alike. However I personally don't think it's definitive enough. i prefer "Pukka" but I assumed you and a host of others wouldn't understand that one. I'm all for careers, I don't care what you do, but I hope you're very successful. Misogynistic? I believe one can formulate this as that type of genre, but what piqued your interest to the page? Was it Why, Mormon, Girls, Stay, or Single? The "ugly" comment was a very base generalization and I have learned from my first mistakes. Thanks. Congratulations on being "really hot". Either you are in Key West or you are speaking of your characteristics, because I'm sure you're husband enjoys that you are so secure about your body that you just told a random blogger about it. I personally think your husband is guy I can look up to. I mean he totally tricked you, considering you are 12 times more attractive than him. It's sad you feel this way about your husband, however. Besides girls never marry down. Guy's usually do the proposing, right? There is always an ulterior motive if you claim you do though. How about you tell him yours sometime? Also you are comparing apples to guava. Manolos average easily over 400 dollars and that Burberry perfume I suggested, a measly 30 bones. Actually the Vicky's perfume is more expensive, but that is neither here nor there. Anyways, thanks for the email, I know it was late when you wrote this and maybe and your husband's was probably waiting for you to finish up this email. Your priorities are a little off, by the way. I hope you don't mind me responding to this email on my blog (sans your real name, of course!)
P.S. You don't really consider Buckle and A.E. High Fashion...do you? And don't think I didn't notice your circa 1999 Oh Snap comment.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Hey hey hey...
After our first full day live, I got a slew of emails. Some great, some moderate, and some downright nasty. I kinda expected the latter, but never fear girls, you're not half-bad. (Dr. Phil mode on) You are doing some things right. Seriously, I want you to get yours and I truthfully believe you all can attain a significant other. (Dr. Phil mode off) So with no further adieu, on with the suggestions!
Girls, usually the first thing we notice are your physical features. I know blah, blah, blah we're pigs, but you check us out too (cue Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop"). So moving on. However, we have 5 senses that you attract us with. Forget about sight for this entry. We love touch. You know those cashmere giddy-ups you're wearing sometimes, bring em out, bring em out. We long for that. Maybe a little later in the relationship when holding hands is in the cards go ahead and massage the crap out of us. You might feel you suck at it, but trust us your nubby little fingers are all we need sometimes. We like to smell ya too. Can the Bath and Body Works/Victoria Secret spray junk. Our moms and sisters wear that, and we don't ever want to have thoughts about them when we catch a whiff of you. Pick up a light perfume instead. Stay away from the White Diamonds, White Shoulders (just forget the white) Chanel No.5, or Jessica McClintock, because you just aged yourself by 35 years. Pick up a Burberry Brit for Women or Victoria Secret's Heavenly. This one is pretty universal, but annoying high pitched voices are hard to stick around. Here's an easy test: Ask your girlfriends if they think your voice is annoying. Listen for key phrases like: whatever, not really, um..., not all the time, or I'm not really around you all the time. If you hear any of these, try and soften it up a bit. Go for Norah Jones instead of a Joy Behar(The View) or Megan Mulally(Will & Grace). Now if we finally get the green light to taste you, might as well have your A-game on, right? If you can pick up a tube of that C.O. Bigelow Peppermint Lip Gloss, that'll do the trick. Hmm...that one might just take care of all five senses.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Girls, dating can be rough, can't it? I mean especially when you fall in love with a guy via radio and he wants you meet you on top of the Empire State Building, all the while he resides in Seattle and you reside in Chicago. Or, finding your love in England while house swapping over Christmas Break. No, better yet, doesn't it suck when your royal responsibilities require you to sneak around Rome with a handsome stranger, but can't seal the deal because your lifestyles are worlds (and principalities) apart? Face it, your life is not "Sleepless in Seattle" it's "Gunshots in Baltimore."It's not "The Holiday" but more like "Stranded on the Runway." Nor is it "Roman Holiday" but more like "Vacationing with the Griswold's." So with that said, don't live your life like those ridiculous movies. We won't be sweeping you off to Tuscany, but we can take you to Olive Garden's "Tour of Italy." You want us to close down shop at Tiffany's and tell you to choose your favorite ring? Babe, we live in Des Moines and all we got is Zales! And just get this out of your head right now... Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, and Manolo Blahnik sound like guys that got chosen last during pick-up b-ball games. Just worry about getting married first, then you can worry the hell out of us for those insignificant purchases. I mean it's not a Nintendo Wii for crying out loud...
First off, I want to congratulate Stephenie Meyer on her success. As a BYU alum myself, I'm pretty impressed with her new-found popularity. Steph, I know hiding this fascination was probably difficult to keep from your boyfriend until you got married. The teenage dramas between "Bella" and Edward are probably spot on for pre-pubescent imaginations, which is where this book should begin and end. When I hear 20-somethings so enthralled with the books that some host Vampire Book Clubs, I seriously question how we could possibly take these girls seriously. You see this book is about vampires. Vampires! I mean really ladies? When I think about vampires, I envision Count Chocula of chocolate cereal fame and Count von Count from that hit tv show, "Sesame Street." Did I hear rumor about a "sparkling" vampire in these books too? I know the Harry Potter mania has left a void in some of your lives, but seriously when I ask a girl what type of books she's interested in, vampires shouldn't ever trickle into conversation. Lie to me, we lie to you. Wikipedia George Eliot, any of the Brontë sisters, or even (this is difficult for me) Jane Austen, but don't tell me you stayed up all last night reading how Edward sucked out the venom from "Bella" when James bit her hand. You instantly become blacklisted during Elders Quorum the following Sunday. Just think sometimes, that's all.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Girls, we know all about it. Guys are disappointed when you hate on the hot chick. It seems like every weekend "so and so" is going out on a another date with a new guy. She's got the act down pretty good, because you know she's not interested in him. So you and your sad, dateless friends mope around all Friday night about how she's taking all the "good guys" from everyone else. You might even spread a little "harmless" rumor to a close (non-interested/possibly gay) guy friend to hurt her future chances. Here's the deal, Stop it. We don't care, we want to date the hot girl too! More than likely you're c-blocking us from asking her out ourselves. A plan of action should go like this:
1) Make yourself hot. We don't care what drastic measures you take. We'll reward your efforts with a nice meal, an occasional movie and a possible make-out (if you'll let us).
2) Date within your means. Don't go out looking for a Mercedes-Benz G Class when you're a Ford Focus (also know your difference between cars). Guys only date down for 2 reasons, they just got home from their missions or they're too old to care about anything else other than sex (p.s. I wouldn't break this to one of your girlfriends already in this situation). Just do whatever you can to follow plan of action #1 and you'll be fine.
3) The non-interested, best friend is interested in you, idiot. Guys never hang around girls because they're "good friends". They are just biding their time waiting for an open invitation for some nookie. Give it to them, they will love you more than any "McDreamy" who's not even wasting his time on you.
4) Give up on sabotaging "so and so." She's always going to be a Betty and you're always going to a Wilma. You just make sure you're the best dang Wilma around!
Beyoncé sure can give a single Mormon girl a false sense of hope! As many of you are aware, when one of Beyoncé's latest singles, "Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)" comes through the speakers, a euphoric trance envelopes every single lady in the room. In one fall swoop hands raise, and right index fingers point to left ring fingers as if to demand something that is not yet rightfully theirs. From the inspiring words of Beyoncé, girls scream, "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it." Girls, this kills me every time. What is "it" you are referring to? Personality, demeanor, intelligence, creativity, body image? Nope. It's a finger. Well, I guess I've noticed various fingers in my lifetime. Some are thin, some chubby, some short, some arthritic, some with ratty nails, some with whorish nail polish, but none that scream, "Awe shoot girl, I need to stick a ring on it..." And furthermore, I gather from the lyrics the guy left the girl and not the reversal. So a more realistic anthem should be, "If you want a ring on it (your finger that is) then take notes from your ex boyfriend's new girlfriend" In closing this song is annoying to pretty much any guy you're interested in. I hope you're fitting in those Deréon Jeans too.