Friday, February 27, 2009
I'm sure you get an obscene amount of E-mails and other literature to read so I'll try and make this brief. I was curious of you opinion. What course of action should I take to be able to start making the mistakes you mention on your blog. I know that sounds facetious, but I'm serious. How to do start to get out of the friend zone and into the relationship zone? From observation I have come to know that there is a very fine line between being forward and being desperate. I wouldn't consider myself ugly and don't feel like I have a terrible personality. I make guy friends easy- but relationships are few and far between. I know many girls are single because they make mistakes... but what can us other lady folk do to get to the point to be able to make them?
Hey Ms. Just Wondering,
Thanks for your question. I don't get that much mail, unless you consider grammatical revisions mail. So in a roundabout way you just want to experience all the highs and lows that come with dating? I would normally say wait for the guy, but in these uncertain times, you might be waiting until the pearly gates. Well, you're thinking about making the plunge, eh? I say do it, don't be afraid to ask the guy because you're the girl. That crap is old school. Be your own woman. Here are my two suggestions.
1) Get your head in the game.
Whenever you want to start something with a friend, figure out the times when you have had the deepest feelings toward your friend. Then ask yourself these questions:
"Am I just happy with his company?"
"Am I just looking for a rebound guy?"
"Am I just looking for any guy?"
If any of these questions are answered "Yes" then you are just needy. You need other attributes to come to the forefront if you are in anyway ready to move this to the next level. Before you risk ruining a great friendship, make sure you are honest with yourself and have a genuine interest in the guy. Oftentimes after a bad breakup it's easy to feel comfort in the best friend of the opposite sex, but don't rebound on him...save that for some random guy at a "Rock the Block" party.
2) Get ready for a possible rejection
Now after you are sure this is the action you want to take, get ready for some awkwardness. You've got to realize that he might not have the same feelings toward you. Surprise mingled with flattery is usually the initial reaction, especially if you haven't been dropping subtle hints in the past. Let his reaction marinade for a bit. Dude's going to be caught off guard so let him collect his thoughts. If his response is good, then grrrrrreat! However, if he feels differently towards you , hold off from jumping off a building. It sucks, but it's fine. It's not the end of the world, so don't let some dude be the end all to your existence. Play it cool. Showing that you can take the less than agreeable news keeps you a cool chica in his light. Your calmness now, might change his mind 24 hours later. Remember that I said might, not will.
Might is a term of uncertainty, but in this case more unfavorable than favorable.
When all is said and done, the decision is yours. What can I do? I'm just a random stranger, that doesn't care to be known. Our whole lives are made up of risks, and relationships seem to be one of the biggies. Just take it all in stride, it's just life. Besides, getting something off your chest feels so good after it's done. Just ask ARod (or ARod's new girlfriend :) Good luck with your decision and stay off the ledge...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
There are few things in this world that continue me to write this blog. One is that I can't sleep at night, because all I do is think about the next post. I tried reading my scriptures, but that just makes my posts rife with sacrilege (and I know how you out there hate sacrilege...) Another reason is to ruin my mom's reputation as a sound child rearer, but my favorite reason is to keep girls from inadvertantly extinguishing themselves into premature spinsterhood.
So...why must you continue to put "Engaged" in your Facebook status while you're still happily(or unhappily) single? This is only mildly appropriate for April Fools Day and simply asinine any other day of the year. What's your reasoning...to be original? Honey, that joke has been played out more than my "cliche" postings. There really is no upside to this idea in fooling all your friends. Here are some reasons why:
- Everyone already knows that you and your bestie are well...you know. So why throw more fuel in the fire?
- Your friends feel like straight up idiots for believing you and subsequently commenting pleasantries on your wall. Thus, you never become a trusted friend again.
- This is by no means a way to attract guys, but this is a perfect way to sabotage any hopes you have in dating for the next 2-6 months.
- We all feel sorry for you that you have to compensate your lack of dating with a fake relationship. You might become a project girl with sympathy dates. Refer to the DVD Clueless that is dusting on your shelf.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Well girls, you did it! You finally got that magical kiss from the handsome gent with a tan and job to boot. But something just doesn't seem right, does it? He seems a little distant at times. Just when the magical moment seems to be in your grasp again, he switches the subject or runs to the bathroom. What gives? Well, take a look in the mirror and follow this quick check list.
Hair: Pulled back away from the face
Underarms: Fresh as a bouquet of gardenias
Legs & face: Freshly depilatated and smooth as silk
Perfume: Not too much, only a spray of his utter-most fav!
Teeth: Spinach-free, and bright white!
Breath: Uh-oh...I can't really tell :(
If you worry that your breath is keeping you from that elusive second kiss, then you are probably right. Guys who have already passed the first kiss goal usually have no qualms about the second, third, or umpteenth one. If you are feel you are the exception, I've got a no fail test for you. Lick the back of your hand (like a lollipop should be licked...), hold on for sec, then take a whiff. If what you smell is anything resembling a mix between whale s**t & your nephew's dirty diapers, then you've got a problem. Take your funky breath to a dentist for a checkup so he/she can tell you the same thing. If a cleaning isn't sufficient, then maybe a halitosis specialist is in order.
Don't even think that Orbit's Sweet Mint gum is going to take care of Halitosis either. Maybe for the first kiss, but once the flavor wears off, it's like Frenching your Shih zhu's poo hole (ugh...that is a sick-nasty mental image.) Oh and please don't be constipated, because what is not being exited from the backside will definitely be funneling its way back up the esophagus like a bad sewage leak. If you're in a bind, always eat your parsley at dinner, and keep some Breath Rx mints in tow. For a long term solution to this terrible problem, don't take my word for it...visit these guys below!
3585 N University Ave Ste 200
Provo , Utah 84604
Phone: (801) 356-8802
Dr. Anthony Mobasser
Los Angeles, CA
9201 Sunset Blvd Suite #618
Los Angeles, CA 90069
Dr. Wynn Matsumura
San Francisco, CA
3030 Geary Blvd.
San Francisco, CA 94118-3315
Dr. Robert Kinniburgh
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
P.O. Box 124
Park Place Mall
501 First Avenue South
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
Howard Farran DDS, MBA, MAGD, DICOI
Dr. Charles Seitz, D.D.S.
1047 Belmont St.
Watertown, MA 02172
Dr. Harold H. Fagan
4660 Kenmore Ave. #300
Alexandria, VA 22304
Dr. Daniel Lippiner
New York City, NY
77 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Dr. Jose Marcano D.M.D.
4861 South Orange Ave.
Orlando, FL 32806
Ethan Janson, D.D.S
Downtown Seattle Dentistry
Dr. Todd Marshall D.D.S
Park Dental6545 France Ave. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55435-2121
Dr. Steven J. Rosenstein, D.M.D., F.A.G.D.
8410 Bustleton Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19152
Dr. Duff Kaster
Las Vegas, NV
Monday, February 23, 2009
It’s 8:45pm on a Friday night and you just got home from the gym. The night is pretty much a wash, because you didn’t make any definite plans with anyone. You look over towards your DVD case for a chill movie for the night and all you see are the usual suspects:
13 going on 30, Serendipity, Notting Hill, The Nanny Diaries, The Notebook
Sweet Home Alabama, Grease, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Wedding Planner
Center Stage, Grease, Never Been Kissed, Dirty Dancing, Father of the Bride
Runaway Bride, Clueless, Romeo & Juliet, Sleepless in Seattle, Titanic
You've Got Mail, Legally Blonde, Moulin Rouge, The Devil Wears Prada, Sex and the City
Ever After, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink
Well, you settle down with your 2 overstuffed crepes, one complete with fruit compote and crème fraiche and the other with Nutella and sliced bananas and you veg the crap out. Then after the rain scene from The Notebook when Noah throws Allie up against the wall and…well, you know the scene, you get this itching to text. Well it goes a little something like this:
Guy: (9:26) Nothing much just chillin (AKA Watching the NBA on ESPN)
You: (9:26) How was your week?
Guy: (9:30) Pretty good, yours?
You: (9:30) Well, I passed my MFHD test that I was totally stressing out on. (Why did I send that?!?!)
Guy: (9:39) Cool (He’s totally watching ESPN and not paying any attention to you)
You: (9:39) I also went shopping with Jen and got this super cute dress from Anthropologie and this lil’ two piece swimsuit from J.Crew. (Dirty move, but it was necessary)
Guy: (9:39) Swimsuit? (You’ve piqued his interest!)
You: (9:40) Yes. I’m getting my gear now, because swimsuit season is right around the corner!
Guy: (9:41) Yeah, I can’t wait to go the beach. (Wow a full sentence!)
You: (9:41) I know, right? I can’t wait to strip these heavy clothes off and head down south. (Hook, line, and sinker)
Guy: (9:42) What are you doing tonight? (Um, basketball is off the agenda & he’s thinking BOOTY CALL!)
You: (9:43) I’m just working on my fitness, trying to get my abs right. (As you stuff in the last crepe)
Guy: (9:45) I respect that, well what are your weekend plans? (Still trying, but not acting to eager…)
You: (9:50) Pretty busy tomorrow, but I will text you and maybe we can do something. (Just got the upper hand)
Guy: (10:21) Ok, that’s cool.
Later that night...
Later that night...
Guy: (12:11am) No I can’t sleep
You: (12:11am) What?!?!
Guy: (12:12am) Oh, that was meant for someone else. (Whatever dude…)
You: (12:13am) Oh really, a girl? ;) (Clever way of garnering info)
Guy: (12:15am) No, but you could be that girl. (Definitely a flirt)
You: (12:16am) lol! Well, I’m already in bed (you were totally waiting for that reply the whole night)
Guy: (12:18am) Well, I’m not that forward. (Unless you’re gonna do it…)
You: (12:20am) Have a good night! TTYL!!
Guy: (So close, couldn’t seal the deal)
You: (He’s so into me…he is totes going to ask me out!)
The Next Evening
The Next Evening
Girl: (Waited all day for guy to take initiative)
Guy: (Waiting all day for girl to respond)
Girl: (9:07pm) Oh hey there :)
Guy: (Wait for it…)
Girl: (9:13pm) Are you there???
Guy: (9:17pm) Sorry, I was busy (Trying to get the upper hand)
Girl: (9:20pm) (Feeling mixed signals) Oh ok, well I won’t bother you then.
Guy: (9:20pm) I’m free now, just finishing up my talk for church
Girl: (9:23pm) (Feeling too guilty for a Booty Call) Oh ok. Well, sit by me at Church tomorrow?
Guy: (9:30pm) Yeah sure (wtf just happened?)
Girl: Yeah we’re kinda seeing each other I guess.
Random Girl: You’re so lucky to get the guy you want!
Girl: (sigh.) Yeah.
Guy: Yeah we’ve been talking the last few days
Random Guy: Yo, that’s tight man! Get that!
My goodness girls! Don’t you see how your texting ways get you in trouble? You’ll never get the success you’re looking for if you substitute real conversation with technology. If you like the boy, don’t set yourself up for a booty call text, talk to him during daylight hours and by all means never text late at night! You can follow-up conversation with a text, but never to initiate one. Too many overly flirtatious or steamy comments make you come across as desperate, needy and intrusive. Remember that less is more. TTYL
Friday, February 20, 2009
There is one lesson that girls never seem to learn: that which we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. If a boy respects a girl, he will wait to kiss her. Time and time again girls complain that a guy played them. And guys complain that girls think they're in relationships. The underlying concept is not incredibly difficult - men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. Ladies, he's not going to date you if he can make out with you without any strings attached.
Let's walk through a few scenarios, shall we?
Kiss Without Ever Going on a Date - That was easy! (I once knew a girl who's siblings gave her a Staples Easy button for this very reason) Ladies, if he hasn't already, don't expect him to take you on a date if you've already kissed. Do, however, expect him to want to watch a few movies with you. Late at night. When your roommates are gone. Embrace the fact that it's not going to work out. His respect for you has plummeted to the basement. But on the bright side, you now have a friend for those lonely nights.
Kiss on the First Date - Listen ladies, I know he was charming. And he's cute. He has a nice job, and is active in church. He smiled. It was magic. Unfortunately, you just ruined your chances with this boy. Your emotional relationship progressed to… nowhere. And now that the physical's involved, the emotional development is going to take a back seat. Is it too late to fix it? Probably. Strap on in and enjoy the 3-week ride.
Kiss on the Second Date - Different strokes for different folks. It's still quite early, but whatever.
Kiss on the Third Date - This is expected. If you don't want to kiss him, don't go on a third date. Make up an excuse. Perhaps your best friend just got dumped. Or cheated on. Or maybe you just already have plans. You could have really bad cramps. The point is that you can't go on that date unless you're willing to kiss him.
This post would be pointless if I didn't take a moment to address another critical issue (that will no doubt be addressed in the comments). Kissing means different things to different people. Especially in Mormon culture. When a boy kisses a girl he thinks "Wow, this feels good". When a girl kisses a boy she thinks "He likes me, he likes me!" Is either train of thought better than the other? Not necessarily. Boys and girls, please be aware of the other point of view and know what you're getting into.
And ladies… don't hate the player. Hate the game.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I was a bit M.I.A. last week on responding to emails, but this one totally slipped past me. I regrettably apologize since the event has past, but nevertheless, I felt inclined to share my juvenile thoughts on this matter.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, so we have never celebrated Valentine's Day together. Last week I brought up the holiday and he said it's a waste to contribute to Hallmark's success. I'm confused at what to do. Is this normal?
Dying for a Valentine
So Hallmark is keeping him from celebrating. Tell him whoop-di-freakin'-do, we are a capitalist society! While you're at it, give your boyfriend a brief history lesson in holidays he would celebrate.
New Years-Watching a Dick Clark speak from the side of his mouth as newly crowned Ryan Seacrest helps us count backwards from ten. And football. Especially football from teams we never followed all year.
Presidents Day-Not really celebrating at all. Most people think it's for all the presidents when in fact it's for only Washington and Lincoln. If all we do is reminisce then I submit we tack this holiday onto a much warmer day.
4th of July-If I do recall we were still 8 years from finishing the Revolutionary War when we sheepishly established independence. What if we had lost? Our mother country would have called it Insurgency Day. Yay for fat guys and skinny Asian men eating an absurd amount of unflavorful, soggy hot dogs!
Labor Day-Should we really be calling it Labor Day when retail store employees work harder than maybe only 2 other days in the year?
Columbus Day-A day to shop and to forget Columbus terribly miscalculated the West Indies as being the Bahamas and gave the the indigenous people in America every type of foreign disease imaginable.
Thanksgiving-Giving thanks to the Native American for helping us find edible food and subsequently killing them all and eventually dragging the rest to garbage state, Oklahoma.
Christmas-Celebrating the birth of Jesus who wasn't even remotely close to being born on that day? Genius!
I'm just saying most of these holidays don't have that much appeal when you think about it, because most of them are rooted in B.S. anyways. No one really cares about the history, we only care about the celebration.
And lastly, the guy who gives a girl a Hallmark card is lazy. Ask him if he really thinks giving you a card someone else wrote is totally going to melt your heart. Does Valentine's day automatically turn on the stupid switch in guys? Just hold his hand and sarcastically reassure him that he can keep doing the nice stuff he normally does on the 14th as well. Pat him on the back for effect. If that doesn't work, tell him you are celebrating with or without him, and if not with him, probably with another guy... That'll work. Just let him know that you're not into this whole Valentine's Day conspiracy theory crap. If he can't get it together for this one day then you should realize this could possibly be your headache of a husband for eternity. Follow Snow Patrol's advice and Run.
Mistake #28 You served a mission? Well, did you bring any souvenirs back from that extended vacation?
[You incessantly want this post back up, so here you go!]
So you're getting to know the little Jack Johnson wannabe on a recent camping trip. You two start singing "Mudfootball" by the fire, not realizing everyone else knows that song has been played out since 2003, but you're feeling a vibe from this guy. Later after roasting marshmallows and Starbursts you get down to the "Serious Questions":
1) Where are you really from?
2) Are you gainfully employed during this economic crisis?
3) Did you vote for Prop 8? and
4) Where did you a serve your mission?
This is when you should have said "Oh that's so cool, I want to go there someday!" (and ask him to say some crap in a language you don't even understand) However, you just had to go and say, "Oh that's so cool, I served a mission too!" Wrong answer. Well that's NOT cool Sister, because you just instantly had little J.J. associate you with every shoddy Sis in his mission. All he knows is that, if you're semi-attractive, you served half your mission as a tour guide at the ever-so-posh Temple Square and the other half as a brownie baking fiend in Granite Bay, California, while he was busting his butt getting slammed by snowstorms and gruff foreigners in Vladivostok, Russia. Or he might have flashbacks of that one cute Sister, who could actually look decent in those unflattering J.Jill & Judy dresses, accidentally brushing up against him thereby reminding the poor sucker he has 21 months left before he can date again (dang it memories!) Honestly, most guys prefer a non-RM girl, because we all made pacts in the field that we would never ever have to bring one of those back to the reunion. A fate such as that just meant we either didn't do enough contacting in the rain, or we just couldn't hold on to the rod. Also in the back of our mind the question remains, "Really, you didn't have anything else going on in your life?" So just make it easy on yourself and say you did a study-abroad or save that "I served a mission too" line as a quick Get Out of a Relationship Free card
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
New York, NY-I'm sitting here in the Manhattan 8th (YSA) ward sacrament meeting. Looks like Fashion Week started a day too early for these budding fashionistas. I've visited a lot of wards, but never have I seen such a blatant attempt to mock television at such an alarming rate. OK, we've got Lipstick Jungle in the middle row, Sex in City on the stand, Gossip Girl giving a talk, ANTM in the overflow, Project Runway coming in a little late, and even a bit of What Not To Wear texting on her Blackberry. Anthropologie has definitely left its emaciated little stamp on this congregation as well.
The girls are very plentiful and what little guys I see here, they either got a girl in tow or they are trying to find that key out of the closet. Where have all the men gone? Well, by the looks of it, they were blinded by the bling and left for Old Navy fields. Seems like these girls don't need a ring, since there is one on every single finger. You would have thought this was the grazing pasture for the new breed of The Real Housewives of New York City. Girls these guys aren't fooled. Girls with a lot of jewelry don't come off as having a lot of money, they come off as having a lot of someone else's (daddy's) money.
Girls, even if those rings and faux pearls are Claire's specials, you are sending a very blatant message to the recent laid-off I-bankers, Money Ain't A Thang. Apparently the recession hasn't caught up with them, but the wrinkles have. Did I mention I was in church? Oh good, because I certainly didn't feel like it. Here's a quick suggestion: Turn down the expensive a notch. You can still dress nice without a bedazzle overkill. A nice pair of earrings and matching bracelet will suffice. Rings with rocks bigger than your knuckles are ridonkulous and no serious guy is going to fall for that hot mess of crap.
Don't tell me you're not dressing for anyone else either. Unless you can honestly say that your 3 inch heels, chandelier earrings, tunics, and tights are keeping you warm and comfortable, then you're definitely projecting yourself. I get it, you've all made it in the City so you splurge. Congratulations, well done! Here's a virtual pat on the back, but save it for your swanky cocktail parties and not church.
Oh, note to straight LDS men with lots of money and/or a good job (New York isn't cheap)...I was very much impressed with the attractiveness. Relocate here immediately! No leathery fruit roll-ups here. These girls will be fine, once they take off their armor(physically & figuratively)...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I am taking a short respite from the blog. No worries, I’ll be back tomorrow, but I just need to extend my 3 day weekend one more day. While I am at it, I just want to clear up a few misconceptions with a cliche 25 random things post.
1) I am fully aware that my grammar and spelling is atrocious. My blog was never meant to mirror Strunk & White’s Elements of Style. Besides, I write these posts at 2 and 3 in the morning.
2) Besides me there are 3 contributors. 2 single guys (EQP & WML) and 1 married woman (CSL). None of my contributors know each other, but I know all of them. However, they haven’t the slightest idea who they are contributing their posts to.
3) I am aware of the few articles that are floating around about this blog. However, I am pretty sure that the whole anonymity thing cancels out any notions of me wanting fame and recognition. I think I’ve garnered enough animosity that if found I would receive a slow painful death.
4) I am not a snitch, so I will not reveal any of my contributors, even if I get caught. You’ll never make me talk!
5) I apparently don’t know the difference between satire, irony, light humor, sacrilege, cynicism, blasphemy, or sarcasm. My bad. Maybe I should label the style of each one of my posts from here on out. Doubtful…
6) Contrary to popular believe, I am not gay nor am I a woman. My knowledge of “female terminology” is just my acute awareness of the female psyche. Hopefully this increases my odds of winning Jeopardy! one day.
7) I don’t hate or feel bitter toward girls; I just think you are funny.
8) Yes, I am not married, but it’s not because I am insensitive. It’s because I am overly sensitive.
9) If you don’t like to read my blog…great! However, you look silly posting a 5 paragraph statement acknowledging the reasons thereof.
10) I have better things to do with my day than write blog entries. Yes, I am gainfully employed.
11) Trying to find my location by having me click on your blog is so old school. I’ve been throwing fake IP addresses around since 2003. Try to keep up.
12) I have 422 different names emailed to me that are accused of starting this blog. Wow, a lot of you have some trust issues.
13) I don’t get offended from your comments, but it does tell me a lot about your self-righteous tendencies.
14) No matter how much you chat with me on Gmail, I am not going to slip and reveal anything telling about myself.Why are you chatting with a random guy anyway? Awkward and a little desperate.
15) The blog hasn’t changed authors, but I am trying to tinker with various ideas and ways to make this continually enjoyable.
16) If anyone wants to add advertisements for a nominal fee just email me. In the end, it’s all about the Benjamins right?
17) I receive a lot of emails suggesting that some of you are thinking about starting your own blog to counter mine. I’m still waiting and one post doesn’t count.
18) Your death threats to me are pretty dang cute. You know the idea of some RM Sister missionary looking to “knock me off” keeps me restless at night.
19) Come to think of it, I really am not sorry for the sister missionary post. I will probably revamp it and repost it soon. Email me for a copy if you just can’t wait.
20) Most visitors come from Utah, California, New York, Massachusetts, Virginia, Arizona, D.C., Idaho, Texas, and Pennsylvania.
21) The most curious cities are Provo UT, Salt Lake City UT, New York City NY, Orem UT, Midvale UT, Arlington VA, Cambridge MA, Boston MA, and Sandy UT.
22) Speaking of Cambridge and Boston. You guys have ostracized one guy in particular for starting this blog. Mr. Dave Alba, my apologies, but people in your Stake really have it in for ya.
23) For those of you looking for Seriously So Blessed you have the wrong page. It's here.
24) Thank you for finding time in your day to read my blog. I know your professors and employers have the same sentiments.
25) One day I’ll run out of crap to blog about, so enjoy it or hate it while you can.
And one more to grow on...
26) Don't take this personally and decide this blog is worth killing yourself over. I've got 99 problems but a single Mormon girl ain't one.
Your one and only...