Monday, March 2, 2009

Mistake #33 Maybe she's born with it by DS


Sometimes Mormon girls don't get asked out because they have horrible names. One would think that with all the time parents have to pick a name (approximately 9 months - for those of you who were wondering), they would pick good ones. Yet there are a staggering number of girls, especially in the Mormon community, whose names suggest that their parents were either illiterate or had some problems with the Word of Wisdom.


At the heart of the issue lies the desire to be unique. Expectant parents look around and say "No, no. My child will not be a Rachel or Jessica. Too normal. There were eight girls named Rachel in my 4th grade class. But what would happen if I combined the names? Rassica? Perfect!" It is precisely in that short-sighted moment of triumph that the unborn child in the womb is doomed.


What the parents failed to take into account was the long-term perspective. That single decision to choose a "unique" name has effectively doubled the amount of time it will take their daughter to introduce herself, forever. "What's your name?" "Rassica." "Excuse me?" "Rassica!" "Sorry, could you say that one more time?" "Rassica!!!" If you were to add up the total time a uniquely-named girl spent repeating herself, by the end of her lifetime it would likely amount to several days. What a waste, merely to satisfy a parent's selfish whim.


Confession time: I was once set up on a blind date with a girl who had a made up name. It wasn't just any made up name, though - it was similar to a real name that could be pronounced two different ways (cue Brian Regan "Carolyn v. Caroline"). She was beautiful, smart, and fun, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how to pronounce her name. The whole night I would wait for someone else to say it and then make a mental note, but when I tried to remember, that mental note was gone. I was so worried about saying her name incorrectly that I forgot to have a good time. There was no second date. It was such a traumatizing experience that today I have absolutely no clue what her name was, much less how to pronounce it correctly.


This topic wouldn't be complete if I didn't address the serious offense of changing the spelling of an otherwise normal name. This epidemic tends to afflict two types of parents:

1) those who aren't bold enough to entirely invent a name, and 2) those who invented names until they realized the damage they were doing to their children but couldn't give it up completely. The upside of having a misspelled yet normal-sounding name is that you don't have to repeat yourself much. Just embrace the fact that people will have difficulty finding you on Facebook and your name will never be spelled right in you friend's mobile phones. Finally, a short list of names and spellings that should be banned:


Amberlyn, Andreina, Andria, Angelle, Annaliese, Arianna, Aubrianne, Breanne, Brenna, Brianna, Britta, Bryn, Cambria, Camilee, Camilyn, Caren, Carlee, Cecily, Cedar, Chanti, Charlee, Cherise, Christen, Colette, Dawnelle, Denae, Doneen, Donelle, Gemma, Genna, Hana, Janalyn, Janelle, Janessa, Jayden, Jayme, Jeannine, Jenica, Jewell, Joelle, Julaine, Julene, Kami, Kandra, KaraLyn, Karin, Karlee, Karyna, Kayleen, Kelsy, Kimberlee, Kirtley, Lacey, Lara, Lieren, Loralee, Maegan, Meegan, Meka, Merilee, Mickelle, Mindee, Mitzi, Monika, Rebekah, Rhyll, Salina, Savanna, Shaelyn, Shalei, Shalena, Shandi, Shayla, Sheena, Shellee, Sherstin, Shirene, Shyanne, Sommer, Tanda, Tessa, Tiare, Wittney

55 comments:

  1. Maybe if you were halfway intelligent, you'd realize that Rebekah is the biblical spelling, hence, the ORIGINAL spelling.

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  2. Funny! I know AT LEAST seven girls with a name listed!

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  3. What is this DS? My wife is Janalyn and my daughter is Cicily. Do I know you perhaps? Don't go lumping my crew in with the Timberlees and the Janikas of the world. We make fun of that bunch too. There's unusual and then there's extreme.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. I understand the dilemma of not wanting to marry a girl with an awkward name, but I thought this blog was suppose to be about the things girls DO that makes them stay single, not an unfortunate fact of their life. I guess not going by a more normal sounding middle name or picking a new name altogether could be an option. Just remember that when a guy has a worse last name such has Horny, Skanky, Stank, Barfuss, Whitehead, Dykster, Butts, Boober, Massengill (a brand of douche), Ugg, Sauer (pronounced sour),Limp, Utter, Penial, Belcher, and many others, and yes I know men whose last names are these, don't get to worried when girls are relunctant to date them. What about boys with girlish names?
    I completely understand though, not wanting to marry a person who has an affinity with awkward names.

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  6. I was wondering, is it a turn off for a woman to want to be a stay at home mom?

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  7. I love the anonymous comments. They've obvious girls who come on here to rag on the author and "hate" this horrible blog. But come back and read it everyday. I love the hypocrisy!

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  8. Here is my response today:

    http://www.mormonmen-therealreason.blogspot.com/

    Also, Anonymous, whether or not this guy says it is a turn off to want to be a stay at home mom, if that is what you want, hold out for a guy who wants that too.

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  9. Ha! This is great! And I completely agree with Matt! This blog makes me laugh so hard! I really look forward to it, just because I know I am in for a good laugh!

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  10. There is definitely a difference between girls "cursed" with "bad" names who embrace it and just goes with the flow...and those that get all protective and defensive when people can't say or spell it correctly. My real name is not an easy one for people (even though it's not a weird, made-up name) - but if it's not important I don't make a big deal about it (having your name spelled right on your college diploma is a big deal - making the high-school drop-out cashier at the local Chinese take-out get your name right on your lunch order isn't).

    BTW holtkamp - Seriously So Blessed is a big, fat Mormon joke that obviously you don't get.

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  11. I am one of those who thinks made up names are annoying, or the striving for uniqueness is stupid, because there is bound to be someone out there with your name! And funky spellings apply to both guys and girls... Jaizen anyone? However, I agree with others that its not fair to hold this against girls who had nothing to do with what they are named.
    Also, your list shows a lot of ignorance:
    hello, Gemma is supremely popular in the UK
    Hana (spelled this way and no other) means flower in Japanese and is super popular there
    Cambria is the name of a town in CA

    And, I counted the number of girls I know with the names listed, with exactly those spellings, over half are currently happily married. How does this support your premise?

    Even though there are a lot of stupid made up names out there, esp in the Mormon world, some things seem unique just because you don't get out much! Maybe try commenting on things that actually support your main argument instead of just being petty about something no one has control of, guy or girl.

    And by the way: my name IS on the list, but not spelled "right." I also happen to know about 5 girls with my same name, spelled the same way I do, oh yah, and happily married.

    Karina

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  12. oops didn't mean to erase my last comment. yeah, i guess i don't get the seriouslysoblessed blog, it doesn't make any sense and looks trashy. i guess that's the joke. amen to made up unique names, though they're more lame than impeding someone from getting married...

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  13. May I say the best example is "Renesmee"?
    Worst example ever of a made up name.

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  14. I totally agree with LoriAnn! And the blog makes sense, I've had friends with weird names and I always have to make them repeat it to me too. I can see why this can be stressful for guys. But hopefully that wouldn't be the one thing that keeps the guy from getting the girl.

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  15. re: Molly Mormon said...
    Here is my response today:

    http://www.mormonmen-therealreason.blogspot.com/


    I went to this blog, but was saddened I couldn't make an anonymous comment. Can't take the heat?

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  16. people love my name.

    go to hell.

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  17. The author apparently has a learning disability that he doesn't want the girls he goes out with to know about.

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  18. P.S. If a guy is too stupid to remember my name by the end of a date, then I'll pass. Stupid guys turn me off.

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  19. i cant even begin to say more then half of the names that are listed....

    holy crap.

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  20. There was an article in the BYU student journal "Century II" back in the mid-70s on "Mormon Naming Patterns" -- I used to have a copy, but my last search of my files (such as they are) turned up nothing. What I find interesting are the parallels between LDS and African-American naming patterns, particularly, the La-[something]-a construct (Latoya, Latella, Laverla, etc.).

    My (former) wife and I were pretty circumspect with most of our kids' names: Jacqueline, Jon, Emily. The only sort-of outlier was Bethan, which is a wonderful and authentic Gaelic name (and which she loves) but which people keep wanting to turn into "Bethany".

    Emily, on the other hand, was surrounded by so many other Emilys that she (unofficially) changed her first name to Salem. She worked at Target for a year or so with that on her nametag; just before she changed jobs, a woman came through the checkout line with a newborn baby. The woman explained that she had been shopping at Target some months earlier, had seen Salem's nametag, and had been so taken by the name that (you guessed it) she named her baby "Salem". Salem was tickled and did not explain to the woman that it wasn't her real name. ..bruce..

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  21. Hey now, do you really believe that Lacey belongs on that list? I mean come on. haha

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  22. A few disconnected thoughts:

    *What's wrong with "Breanne?" That's the most normal spelling of that name I've seen.

    *I knew a Mormom family once who had all girls and gave them all either weird girl names or Biblical boy names. Their girls were Nikita, Amalia (not Amelia--AmAliah; they were very adament that you pronounced that a right), Elijah, and Isaiah. I'm sorry, but no female person should ever have to go through life as an Elijah or an Isaiah.

    *I hate the Mormon habit of picking random sounds and combining them for a girl's name. LuAnn, (not Luanne, but LuAnn), LaRue, LaRee, etc.

    *As a female I have a list of last names that I will never date because I would not want to take any risk, however miniscule, of ending up with that last name myself (and since my own last name is so boring, there is no way I'm keeping it when I get married, and hyphens annoy me). The top two on my list are "Seaman" (because it does not sound like "man" when you say it but rather as "men," which combined with "sea" is supremely disgusting sounding to me) and "Lindsay" (because then my name would ne Lindsay Lindsay and that would be weird).

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  23. my sister once got a wedding announcement from an "Alecksis"

    you almost have to "MadGab" that one.

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  24. I love the name Rhyll.

    Plus she's hot.

    Plus anyone who wouldn't date a girl for her name is an idiot.

    Plus I hope I never read this blog again.

    Plus I hope I get a baby elephant that I will teach to siphon gasoline out of city buses when nobody is looking with it's trunk.

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  25. WHAT!?!?! I can't believe you banned my name!!!

    Is it banned because it's unique or because you think it's spelled wrong? Because I'm pretty sure Cambria is the most normal way to spell it. It must be unique. I like having a unique name, so whatev. Don't hate.

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  26. Hey, there are plenty of weird names out there. even pretty normal ones spelled the "classical" way get butchered by people sometimes.
    You deal with it or you don't. When you don't you mostly just get on everyone's nerves. Stop being so OCD. It's just your name.

    and, please, at least girls with weird names happen a lot. I feel so much worse for the Airick and Lebenons of the world. Boys are harsh when they play the name game in elementary school.

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  27. Anonymous,

    Oops. I didn't realize I needed to turn on that setting. (Still new to this blogging thing.) Feel free to make all the comments you would like.

    http://mormonmen-therealreason.blogspot.com/

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  28. My favorite uncommon spelling that I have seen of late is "Llewellen".

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  29. that cambria girl is hot

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  30. Llewellyn is actually a fairly normal male Welsh name. I just don't believe in using an ethnic name if you aren't of that ethnicity/background. If you have no tie to it either through family, or lineage, don't use it. AND DON'T MASH family names, "Rassica" is NOT cool, and will ensure pain and humiliation for your children.

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  31. I just don't like names that I can't play the name game with. Arianna Arianna bo Barianna banana fana fo farianna... you get the point. 3 syllables maximum please.

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  32. My last name is Excell. And I plan on naming my first boy Mike Rosepht. How do you like that one, DS?

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  33. u guys don't like the name ariana? I'm planning on naming my daughter that name... :(
    love ur blog bytheway.

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  34. amen! I can't stand wierd names, wierd spellings, over-used trendy names, boys with girl's names, girls with boy's names, names after countries, states or cities, pet names, or parents who copy celebrities stupid names, I like names a child can grow into and people can spell.

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  35. In my last ward there was an awful woman named Gaylene Menlove! I kid you not! First of all, she went by GAY & married a man with that last name. She should have walked away the moment she met him... I guess that is why she is so awful!
    BTW~ love this blog! I am serisouly so happy I was married at 19, it's hard out in the single LDS world I hear... especially because my name is on that list!

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  36. this is so hilarious! its so true! i have one of those crazy ill.just.mix.two.names.together.good.to.go names. and everything you said is so true! hahaha great blog :)

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  37. So true! I have 5 friends that have some form of the name Breanne, and I can never keep them straight. They all have similar spellings but ALL pronounce it differently. Two even have the exact same spelling but pronounce in differently. I gave them all nicknames because I'm so afraid of messing their names up. Shh... don't tell!

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  38. Please write a post about girls who meet, get engaged to and marry a super special "RM" within 2 months!

    Awesome plan if I say so myself.

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  39. Pretty sure my name is not made up. I have seen it in many baby name books. Also, it's not hard to spell or say. And if you can't pronounce it...well maybe you can try hooked on phonics. Seriously, I have liked all the other posts, but putting people down because of their name is wrong. I could care less if some guy forgot my name, because I know one person who will never forget it.

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  40. Brenna, my youngest daughter has the same name, it's Celtic for "dark haired maiden" (and Icelandic for "to burn") Not made up, but it follows what I said earlier about having a tie to an ethnic name.

    Natalie, I have the same problem with some of my friends' and siblings' kids, I know daughters named McKaila, McKayleigh, Bailey, Kaylin, and more, it frustrates me and their parents to no end because they're so similar that it's easy to confuse, but different enough to be evidently wrong.

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  41. Oh my gosh, if my first name was "Gay" then "Menlove" would certainly be on my list of last names I would never date! Just thinking about "Gay Menlove" makes me giggle. Yes, I know, I'm immature, but so be it.

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  42. Wow - is everyone on this blog a BYU student? You all act like it, including the authors. Stay in Provo please, all of you. Do not spread your ignorance and stupidity to the rest if the world!

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  43. I'd rather be a breanne than be named Jansen Gunther.

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  44. There are so many Mormon girls with fake names. I think it is directly related to their mother's class (upper, middle, lower). It is definitely a strike against a girl when she has a name associated with poor people who can't spell.

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  45. Only one complaint...Carolyn is a different name than Caroline. Not one name with two different spellings. Not one name with two different pronuciations. If a name is both spelled differently and pronounced differently, perhaps that might mean it actually is a different name...perhpas this sort of comment is why Brian R. makes fun of us...haha.

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  46. Well, one thing I'll say about unique names is that you never have confusion when someone calls your name. We have a few common names in my family and, even though I love my name, it gets annoying when there are 5 other people in the room with your name. And all y'all who are offended, chill out. I also have 2 sisters with semi-unique names, and they make the best out of it, but can admit that it is really annoying when people mispronounce their names and can't ever spell them right. You have to take any blog with a grain of salt.

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  47. I love Brian Reagan. It's Carol-INE, Brian.

    Love my name!

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  48. wait, how is it the girl's control over what her name is???

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  49. The new trend these days drives me insane - the rhyming names! People think they're being unique and different - but really just annoying.

    Aiden
    Jayden
    Caden
    Hayden
    Zayden

    etc etc...

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  50. THE BREAD OF GOD (THE VERB) -POWERFUL MESSAGE OF GOD FOR HUMANITY, THE WORD OF GOD TO ABRAHAM FOR TESTIMONY UNTO ALL THE NATIONS. AND THEN SHALL THE END COME. "WWW.OVERBO.UNI5.NET"

    ELI'JAH

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  51. Come now...the uneek name trend isn't limited to our preshush daughters.

    When I dropped my third son at Jordan Valley Medical center the attending nurse asked what his name was to be. When I replied "Ryan" she asked how we were going to spell it. Confused, I replied, "There is more than one way to spell it?" She smirked and said, "You'd be surprised."

    Sure enough, on the online nursery, baby boy "Rhyunn" was born the day before my own. He'll appreciate all that creativity one day I'm sure.

    Born the day after? Baby boy "Maverick". I was going to make fun about that with my new mom neighbor later but became so glad I didn't because, turns out, little Maverick was HERS.

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  52. this sounds like it came from a Brian Regan routine...

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  53. I'm suprised Ashley didn't made the cut bahaha!!!!

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