Monday, February 9, 2009
Mistake #24 Your Tights Don't Impress Me Much
Psst...girls, I got a little secret for you. Tights are not pants! It seems that in the past couple of years you have evolved the wearing of tights from the under card to the main event. Tights were never meant for that purpose. Tights are perfect for such activities as ballet, theater, and sports. I'll even throw in a Renaissance reenactment or a particular Beyoncé video as an appropriate usage, but not for going out to the mall, to school, to work, and definitely not on a date. There is something that just screams nakedness when you decide to wear these bad boys without a skirt or shorts. Wait...seriously, don't you realize this? Now I know that you want to accentuate your assets, which I think is great, but Levi's provided the 531 skinny jeans for that function. Skinny jeans does something that tights can never do: they can eliminate chubby thighs from entering. Tights give girls a false sense of security, because some girls should never wear tights. For safety's sake, let's say anything below a size 8 is tolerable. It's like inviting a recovering alcoholic to a free wine tasting. Everyone is invited, but not everyone should come. Also just because they are dark and opaque doesn't mean they're OK. You are definitely not hiding the cottage cheese behind a 60 denier fabric. Tights are not girdles, they will not suck in the fat, nor will they cover those unsightly golf ball-esque dimples. Again, that's what pants are for. Besides, if you get a wedgie...Game Over. To guys you look silly. It reminds us of the nightmares we have sitting up in a classroom with just our tighty-whities on. So in the future, when you are deciding to walk out of the house with just tights on, ask yourself, "Do I want to look fabulous or do I want to look tacky?" If it's fabulous, go run back upstairs and put on a covering, but if it's tacky, I know a street corner in North Las Vegas that needs your services.