Thursday, February 5, 2009

Mistake #22 That Awkward Guy Has Already Claimed You

Sometimes staying single can stem from a string of unfortunate events that come from a funky Y chromosome.

We all have one in our ward or have heard about one of these guys. He is isn't just a little socially awkward, his mutated social skills have the largest set of balls in the world . Every girl sees him, but always tries to avoid eye contact, because that's when they get sucked into his vortex. His main prey are newly moved in sisters who are just trying to make friends. At first he seems harmless, he awkwardly introduces himself and you return his pleasantries. He gets your name and bold enough to get your number. He does this so he can match this number to the one he looks up on the ward page. He pretty clever and sneaky because Sunday night he does a comphrensive Google search. Those with a little money even goes as far as checking out your history via Lexis Nexis or Intelius. Tuesday you have confirmed him as a friend on Facebook and he starts sending you these uber-flirtatious messages to your Inbox (not your Wall, but your Inbox). Wednesday you hesistantly receive an "invite to chat" on Gmail and he is constantly occupies your chat time you usually reserve for your other 10 friends.
A week has gone by and you're back at church, but this time he is already asking you out. You have no interest whatsoever, but you say, " I'm busy right now, maybe some other time." Wrong Answer. Your life as you know it is about to change. All of a sudden, the guy you were actually flirting with last week isn't paying any attention to you, because psycho guy has already sent a mass text message to the Elder's Quorum claiming you as his girlfriend. You block him on gChat and de-friend him on Facebook, but he texts you 2 minutes later asking if you are mad at him. You tell him, that you are just being overwhelmed with life right now. Things get really sad, when he pulls the Mormon Trump card and says, "I'm just trying to follow through with the bishop's counsel on dating, because he says a lot of girls aren't getting asked out." You cave and feel sorry for the boy. You are about to say ok, but fortunately you read my advice just yesterday. Here's what you do:

1. No matter what, say you have a boyfriend (out-of town lie or proxy new guy in the ward)
2. Find a way to hurt his feelings without others finding out. The last thing you need is a scene.
3. Start crying and say, "I'm struggling with (drugs, alcoholism, STD's, homosexuality) and dating guys is the last thing I need right now
4. This is probably a good time to remind yourself of a phrase that was instilled in your minds during early adolescense: Just Say No
5. Change your cell number, and do not re-friend him on any social networking/IM platforms.
6. If lying isn't working, lie some more. Remember, repentence is just a reverent kneel away.
7. Spread this info to all new girls.

This guy will become more persistent than those pesky volunteers urging you to vote. But you must ride this out. Eventually (this might take awhile...) he'll get the message, and soon his Mail-Order bride will have shipped him off into the married ward.


  1. ""repentence is just a reverent kneel away"?? way to make a mockery of the Atonement"??

    Way to make a mockery of a mockery.

  2. Heh, Her ring's on the wrong hand.

    -Whiny voice- "Way to make a mockery of a mockery."

  3. I once had a guy ask me for a date and then take out his blackberry and asked me if my phone number was still ###-#### .. I had never talked to him before! That was awkward, and he was awkward!

    I do have to agree that you shouldn't sin with expectation of repenting later.

  4. Hahaha! I know one too many of these guys!

  5. The picture at the top is featured in the facebook group "Awkward Engagement Pictures Rock My Socks." I think that's funny.

  6. Yeah, unfortunately, these guys have no self-awareness or inhibitions. So the girl's lies don't even affect him.. even the lies about the STDs. Or, if he does believe the lie, he still keeps you on his radar and admires you (creepily) from afar while he waits for you to "heal," "break up," or "overcome your drug problem." These boys NEVER DIE! And you can only live the lie of the fake boyfriend for so long before his research shows him that you're single "again" and he's texting you... every five minutes... wondering why you're not responding!!!

  7. I didn't know guys did this. Interesting. I have much to learn. Thanks for the tips.

  8. Just be honest with him, he isn't going anywhere and if it gets out you lied, even to the creeper, it might not look good on ya.

  9. there is a version of this guy who thinks he knows you because he read your blog or you have several mutual friends on facebook. he somehow gets a hold of your gchat address and then starts oversharing online. it's weird AND sad.

  10. Haven't you noticed that most of his entries are HIS own stories? Ha ha ha ha... The only thing I am afraid of is this dude going psycho on us, which he kinda has already.

  11. "his mutated social skills have the largest set of balls in the world" hahahahha.

    the greatest part about this post is that everyone thinks the guy here is the idiot.

    mormon girls have a problem looking mean. so lying becomes the virtue here and say anything except "i'm sorry, i'm just not interested." no wonder guys can't figure us out.

  12. Hahahha... I just laughed so much at this post. So funny cause its true!

  13. Wait! Guys actually do this??

  14. To Anonymous at 5:32 pm
    Of course guys actually do this, you think guys would do something crazy like trying to be friends with the lady, while being honest and open about their feelings? As if!

    This is the perfect way to go. Rock on.

  15. The difference between a creepy stalking guy and a romantic hot-throb is how much the girl's interested in him. Same behavior, two different results. The author here knows so much about the creepy type because girls often treat him that way. Most normal guys are unaware of such behavior!

  16. Oh my word. I now know why I'm single. This is sad story of my life. And I seriously just moved into a new ward...*gag*

  17. In fact, I had heard that the author once called a girl like 17 times in 20 minutes!!!

  18. "The difference between a creepy stalking guy and a romantic hot-throb is "

    how good he looks.

    Or how rich he is.


  19. hahahahahahahhahahaha the description for the blog is PERFECT for this post, "the more you ignore me, the closer i get."

    personally my family and i call "that" guy Creepy McCreeperson. There is an original Creepy McCreeperson but each ward has one...

  20. So we're all ganging up on the author now? Where is the honor in that?

  21. I've just been to your blog for the first time. I've had lots of boyfriends, dated a lot, whatever.

    Mormon girls stay single because too many Mormon men are addicted to pornography.

    It is that simple, friend.

  22. No, I think the reason why Mormon girls stay single is because of these reasons:

    1) Either the guy is too over-confident like he thinks he can just get any girl he wants, gets to know her for 30 seconds and claims her as his g/f for a week and breaks up with her once he suspects that she's hooked into his trap. A player.
    2) Either the guy just can't make up his mind, he's just too scared to ask any girl out for fear that he might fall into temptation easily and break the law of chastity.
    3) Either the guy was always pressured by his family to get married right when he got back from his mission that he just settles for no-commitments whatsoever. He's probably one of those guys who like to "hang-out" with girls but never really plan to pursue any of them until he hits 30 and eventually loses interest in girls and becomes inactive due to his homosexual tendencies. lol

  23. Haha everyone knows one of these guys. Everyone.

    What's even scarier are the girls that act this way. Geez. I had to hide in my room for a full evening.

  24. I really don´t get the point of this entry. Why would the behavior of a weird guy affect someones chances of getting hooked up??

    Or perhaps the author means something else. Be thankful that someone is actually interested in you. Instead of automatically calling him a creep, find out more about him. Then you can determine if he is really a creep. It´s a huge turnoff to hear a sister all wigged out about being asked out by ¨that weird guy over there.¨

    And lets be honest here...sisters do way more backround checking than guys do. And way more talking to their gf´s about the guys in their ward in RS. So what if someone checks out a social networking page or two to find out stuff.

    Yes there are socially akward guys out there. But a very small percentage of these guys are really psycho stalkers. Most of them are just clueless when it comes to talking to a female. That for me is not being a creep. It sounds more like someone who hasn´t watched a Bond Movie before.

  25. This is so not uncommonFebruary 6, 2009 at 9:58 AM

    Hmmm...I'm reading the last comment and I'm just not agreeing with "small percentage." Like many others, this has heppened to me several times. I went out on one date with a guy, one date, and he broadcast to the entire ward that I was his girlfriend. When he found out I already had a pre-scheduled date for the next night, he spread the rumor that I was a slut.

    I disagree with lying. Be honest, tell them why their behavior is innappropriate and creepy. And, keep telling them until they get the hint. Then, get your girlfriends to help you clear your good (still single) name in the ward again.

  26. If you have ever been to a singles ward you know exactly who this post is about...

    Once when I attended a singles ward there was one of these guys who was pretty short-just the right height to hug girls uber-tight and press his face into their chest. Then he would ask them what they were doing Friday night!

    So many girls in the ward complained that the bishop acutually had to call the guy in and discuss his hugging technique ;)
    These guys exist and it's true they have NO shame!

  27. Oh the irony. Perhaps Mormon women stay single because they are STILL waiting for a man who knows how to write. Unfortunately the "authors" of this shameful blog are not doing anything help along those lines . . .

    Now, a note to the men. A word on why Mormon men SHOULD stay single. 90% or you are currently, or have been addicted to pornography. HORRIFIC. I suppose the author of this posting justifies such actions because "repentance is just a reverent kneel away." Nice. Please also note that "repentance" is spelt with an "a".

    Almost all of you offenders will reoffend. The stats are that simple. And women are catching on. We are asking the hard questions now and finding out that we don't want you. We don't want anything to do with you.

  28. 90% of males have been addicted to pornography? That's just sad. I wonder where you get your facts though.

  29. You have no idea what you are talking about, but nice tryFebruary 6, 2009 at 2:07 PM

    Pretty sure as soon as the Bishop is done interviewing, he puts it on the stat checklist that is sent to SLC.

    Ya right.

  30. The men who are addicted to pornography need help and love. They shouldn't be blacklisted by females anymore than a woman who had a teenage pregnancy should be shunned by males.

    I'm not saying to run to your nearest porn addict and marry him. But the Atonement applies to porn addicts too.

    For every horror story out there about a girl who married a porn crazed man, there's at least one success story about a man who struggled with it and worked through it.

    We all have our vices. Pornography is bad, but that doesn't mean the addict is.

    -Wife of a recovering porn addict who's been clean for over a year.

  31. +1 to above comment. Beautiful.

  32. Anyone who wonders where the 90% statistic mentioned above came from should be very afraid for themselves. Talk to your bishop. Talk to your mission pres. Talk to your shrink (if you're at BYU). They will confirm this. Sadly, although the Atonement is great and real, that does not stop many MARRIED BYU wards from having over 50% of their men currently looking at porn. I have this info first-hand. This is not a drill and women need to stop assuming life will be fine and dandy. If you got a guy who really has stopped, I ask you to check back with him in 5, 10, or 20 years. Chances are you will be singing a different tune and that is not me being mean or gloomy, it is the truth. Men have a HUGE rate of reoffending and women need to ask themselves what they are willing to bet on them? Their family? Their future? I thought gambling was against the church . . .

  33. Honestly, I doubt things are that bad.

    Now you'll excuse me while I watch my favorite youtube movie of penguins going at it...


  34. anyone who -immediately- writes off someone who's had a history with pornography has no idea what they're talking about, and is denying the power of the atonement.

  35. Yup, men who are addicted to porn have a huge chance of reoffending. Just like women who are addicted to gossiping have a huge chance of reoffending.

    The Atonement applies in both cases.

    And no woman who is married to man who has had a pornography problem is going to assume that he is handling it just fine. You spend hours checking internet history, reading his emails, talking to him about it. You check the bank account, you spend more time on your knees in prayer and in tears than you ever thought possible.

    And the Atonement works, for him. And the Atonement works for her.

    If the Savior wrote off every one who has committed a sin the way some people write off porn addicts, we'd all be in a world of hurt.

    -wife of a recovering porn addict

  36. Still way too highFebruary 7, 2009 at 9:57 AM

    A 90% ADDICTION rate is still way too high. You're not in the ballpark.

    90% of Mormon men may have VIEWED pornography, but addiction is a completely different declaration.

    I've "heard" the stat of 50% of men and 20% of women are addicted to pornography.

    To say that one very small sample of the population, Mormon's, have an additional 40% addiction rate is probably a statistical impossibility. Sinc the church acknowledges the problem, and has implemented safegaurds, warnings, and counsel, a number of 30-40% is probably more reasonable.

  37. I agree with the above, 90% is way too high. I know the actual statistic is higher than people think it is, but statistics I've done on BYU's counseling center data showed that about 1% of BYU students seek help for pornography addictions (see Obviously more people have a problem than come into the counseling center for it, but I'd estimate it's under 15%.

  38. with those stats, i think anonymous needs a new defense mechanism for her marital status.

    you're all addicted to porn doesn't quite cut it.

  39. I can imagine that I am addicted to porn if it helps the 90% argument. While we're doing that, let's imagine what would occur if sarcasm didn't exist.

    I now ask, which option do you dread more?

  40. Porn has NOTHING to do with getting married. If 90% of Mormon men are porn addicts, 100% of non-Mormon men are porn addicts. If a woman is attracted to a man, she WILL marry him even if he IS a porn addict. Now, isn't that crazy? In any case, I've never seen awkward guy making a 'claim' on a girl to the point where she can't get a date.

    What about 'He is just not that into her?' as THE REASON?

  41. very good point, Anonymous person above me. I think 90% is an exaggeration, would you think that 90% of them confessed to being addicted to porn? unlikely. 50% of them could have viewed porn but I highly doubt that a high percentage would be addicts. And I, too, have heard of a story of a man who lost his marriage due to his addiction and spent months maybe years trying to overcome it. It never stopped the woman from loving him and supported him all the way through.

    Anyhow, very good question you brought up. Since that movie is coming out, I think it's a very appropriate one. "Is he REALLY into her?" It's not so much that the girl isn't into the awkward guy although I feel that the girl is more accepting and can overlook the guy's flaws more so than guys can with girls. Nowadays, ladies, we really need to double check and see just how interested is HE.

  42. Girls can overlook the guys' flaws more than vice versa IS a faulty logic. This is why the author(s) of this blog is having such a HARD TIME getting hitched, AND had to do something dumb like this. He can't compete against Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Bain Capital McKinsey, Harvard Busines School (and by the way, if the author is related to one of these fine institutions, he must've lost his job during the econ meltdown - shame on him) and a few others, because girls are JUST as discriminating, IF NOT more, when it comes to finding dudes who ARE both attractive AND rich.

    Guys don't have non-committal problems as long as they are after girls they want.

    Also, why don't girls try those awkward guys? They are typically better husbands than dudes like the author(s) of this blog who think they can dance, but they can't do sh**.

  43. "girls are JUST as discriminating, IF NOT more, when it comes to finding dudes who ARE both attractive AND rich"... that's BS. seriously, guys aren't fully committed at all. The whole "A man's love runs deep" saying is BS. BS!!! How many girls do you know get dumped by guys????

  44. Equal percentage of girls and guys (50% each) get dumped by each other. This is a statistically fair situation.

  45. Amen amen amen amen amen.
    Oh, and thanks Nookleerman, I think I almost ruptured something laughing.

  46. "I've "heard" the stat of 50% of men and 20% of women are addicted to pornography. "

    Our stake recently began the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, and when the person in charge spoke at our ward he pointed out the that by nearly a 2 to 1 margin, women were more addicted to pornography. Not with films and pictures (since men are visually stimulated), but through internet chats, books (I'd hardly call it "literature"), and other written expression.

    Take it for what it's worth hypocritical ladies who enjoy pointing blame and decrying the filthiness of men.

  47. Who cares that most peeps don't like some of the things you post. They must be in denial but man gotta give you some cred this post is an exact profile of a dude I know. My friends ex; hit the nail right on the head that's fo sho.

  48. I am the daughter of a man who was addicted, and he was disfellowshipped twice. I do not hate him or hold a grudge, but he destroyed my family. Pornography changed him. It twists a person in ways that are so unexpected and yet similar to most cases. My sisters and I all suffer from severe self worth issues, trust issues, and man issues. Women: pornography is not something to be taken lightly. You cannot imagine what it can do unless you experience it first-hand. I would NEVER get involved with a person who stood any chance of being involved in pornography. Repentance is possible, but unless a change like Alma's has taken place and the person is committed each day of the rest of his or her life to protect against being ensnared again, then the risk is far too great. I would never wish what I have had to go through or watch my sisters and mother go through on anyone.

    About the creeper: just let him know you're not interested and won't ever be. Big deal. It works, and he usually respects you enough not to get creepier after that. Oh, and keep the eye contact to a minimum. haha

  49. Hard to follow that comment, so onto the creeper...oh there are atleast 3 in every ward at BYUI and I still have a 'creeper' who has me as top friends on both myspace and facebook and I haven't talked to him in 5 years. Just say no is the best advice.

  50. This is by far the best blog I've ever been to.
    I love reading all the bitter girl's comments as they try to harass the author. Even better, I love the fact that they are the girls that keep coming back to read!
    I'm reading the posts backward and I couldn't keep from commenting on this one. It is truly a gem because I have experienced this a few times in my life, but instead of lying...I just pawn him off a roommate that I don't works every time.

  51. Just say, "No, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in you." Seriously, it isn't that hard, people. I've done it tons. And guys (even the wierd ones) listen. It's so much easier than making anything up (you make up a boyfriend, std, homosexuality, anything) and everyone 'knows' about it hours later. Forget that 'dream guy' asking you out. Honesty is the best policy. As far as spreading the word, you never know who might be into him. You're not the girl for him, but maybe another girl doesn't see him as stalker material. Don't spread the word, please. Everyone has eyes and their own judgement, let them use them for themselves.