Thursday, February 19, 2009
You've Got Problems, I've Got Solutions #2
I was a bit M.I.A. last week on responding to emails, but this one totally slipped past me. I regrettably apologize since the event has past, but nevertheless, I felt inclined to share my juvenile thoughts on this matter.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, so we have never celebrated Valentine's Day together. Last week I brought up the holiday and he said it's a waste to contribute to Hallmark's success. I'm confused at what to do. Is this normal?
Dying for a Valentine
So Hallmark is keeping him from celebrating. Tell him whoop-di-freakin'-do, we are a capitalist society! While you're at it, give your boyfriend a brief history lesson in holidays he would celebrate.
New Years-Watching a Dick Clark speak from the side of his mouth as newly crowned Ryan Seacrest helps us count backwards from ten. And football. Especially football from teams we never followed all year.
Presidents Day-Not really celebrating at all. Most people think it's for all the presidents when in fact it's for only Washington and Lincoln. If all we do is reminisce then I submit we tack this holiday onto a much warmer day.
4th of July-If I do recall we were still 8 years from finishing the Revolutionary War when we sheepishly established independence. What if we had lost? Our mother country would have called it Insurgency Day. Yay for fat guys and skinny Asian men eating an absurd amount of unflavorful, soggy hot dogs!
Labor Day-Should we really be calling it Labor Day when retail store employees work harder than maybe only 2 other days in the year?
Columbus Day-A day to shop and to forget Columbus terribly miscalculated the West Indies as being the Bahamas and gave the the indigenous people in America every type of foreign disease imaginable.
Thanksgiving-Giving thanks to the Native American for helping us find edible food and subsequently killing them all and eventually dragging the rest to garbage state, Oklahoma.
Christmas-Celebrating the birth of Jesus who wasn't even remotely close to being born on that day? Genius!
I'm just saying most of these holidays don't have that much appeal when you think about it, because most of them are rooted in B.S. anyways. No one really cares about the history, we only care about the celebration.
And lastly, the guy who gives a girl a Hallmark card is lazy. Ask him if he really thinks giving you a card someone else wrote is totally going to melt your heart. Does Valentine's day automatically turn on the stupid switch in guys? Just hold his hand and sarcastically reassure him that he can keep doing the nice stuff he normally does on the 14th as well. Pat him on the back for effect. If that doesn't work, tell him you are celebrating with or without him, and if not with him, probably with another guy... That'll work. Just let him know that you're not into this whole Valentine's Day conspiracy theory crap. If he can't get it together for this one day then you should realize this could possibly be your headache of a husband for eternity. Follow Snow Patrol's advice and Run.