Thursday, February 19, 2009

You've Got Problems, I've Got Solutions #2

I was a bit M.I.A. last week on responding to emails, but this one totally slipped past me. I regrettably apologize since the event has past, but nevertheless, I felt inclined to share my juvenile thoughts on this matter.

Dear Peter,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, so we have never celebrated Valentine's Day together. Last week I brought up the holiday and he said it's a waste to contribute to Hallmark's success. I'm confused at what to do. Is this normal?

Dying for a Valentine

Dear Dying,
So Hallmark is keeping him from celebrating. Tell him whoop-di-freakin'-do, we are a capitalist society! While you're at it, give your boyfriend a brief history lesson in holidays he would celebrate.

New Years-Watching a Dick Clark speak from the side of his mouth as newly crowned Ryan Seacrest helps us count backwards from ten. And football. Especially football from teams we never followed all year.

Presidents Day-Not really celebrating at all. Most people think it's for all the presidents when in fact it's for only Washington and Lincoln. If all we do is reminisce then I submit we tack this holiday onto a much warmer day.

4th of July-If I do recall we were still 8 years from finishing the Revolutionary War when we sheepishly established independence. What if we had lost? Our mother country would have called it Insurgency Day. Yay for fat guys and skinny Asian men eating an absurd amount of unflavorful, soggy hot dogs!

Labor Day-Should we really be calling it Labor Day when retail store employees work harder than maybe only 2 other days in the year?

Columbus Day-A day to shop and to forget Columbus terribly miscalculated the West Indies as being the Bahamas and gave the the indigenous people in America every type of foreign disease imaginable.

Thanksgiving-Giving thanks to the Native American for helping us find edible food and subsequently killing them all and eventually dragging the rest to garbage state, Oklahoma.

Christmas-Celebrating the birth of Jesus who wasn't even remotely close to being born on that day? Genius!

I'm just saying most of these holidays don't have that much appeal when you think about it, because most of them are rooted in B.S. anyways. No one really cares about the history, we only care about the celebration.
And lastly, the guy who gives a girl a Hallmark card is lazy. Ask him if he really thinks giving you a card someone else wrote is totally going to melt your heart. Does Valentine's day automatically turn on the stupid switch in guys? Just hold his hand and sarcastically reassure him that he can keep doing the nice stuff he normally does on the 14th as well. Pat him on the back for effect. If that doesn't work, tell him you are celebrating with or without him, and if not with him, probably with another guy... That'll work. Just let him know that you're not into this whole Valentine's Day conspiracy theory crap. If he can't get it together for this one day then you should realize this could possibly be your headache of a husband for eternity. Follow Snow Patrol's advice and Run.

Peter Priesthood


  1. Wow I'm the first to post. Where on earth do you get these ideas. So funny. Makes it kind of sound weird for anyone to look forward to holidays, but that's ok, I still do. :) I'm glad I can read all of these posts and laugh, not get offended, it makes my work day a lot more enjoyable...looking at this lame computer all day...!

  2. You forgot that special Utah holiday, Pioneer Day, July 24th!

  3. Yeah... sounds to me like he's just not that into you. PS... I'd read that previous post about the guy that keeps you "hanging on"

  4. Yeah, so how deeply do you want to look into this thing here anyway? On the surface, it's a simple matter of saying, "Guys. Who gives a crap where the holiday came from or why it's celebrated or what it really means? It makes the ladies happy. (I was going to add period and then realized I ended my sentence in a period and therefore didn't need to say it) Just like they like getting flowers on occasion, that wilt and die after a few days, and they like getting chocolate, despite every bite adding 30 minutes to their self-punishment (aka workout).

    To go a little deeper though, see TPlayer. He probably already knows everything I just said, and everything this post said. He just doesn't care. He found a good thing and is floating along, making as little effort as possible, until the next batch of chickadees comes scampering up the road. Sorry about the long comment.

  5. Oklahoma - a garbage state?!

    I call the fail boat.

  6. I think guys are simple. They want to be romantic and make their women long as they have the woman of his dreams. Sounds like you aren't the woman of his dreams sweetie. I'm sorry to be so blunt but if he's not willing to do anything at all for you on Valentines and just discredit the holiday, what makes you think he'll do sweet things to you once you get married? when dating, guys are more sweet and romantic and once married, they show it in other ways such as doing chores and letting you have a break from being a mama and etc.

    UNLESS he said that and deep inside he had a huge surprise for you on V-day. Now, that's cute. ;)

  7. Haha! You forgot Easter! You know, that holiday where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ with eggs and a bunny. Cuz you know they were key players in the whole breaking the bands of death thing. I've got my carton of eggs and pet bunny ready for when the First Resurrection comes...

  8. It took me and my fiance 6 weeks to kiss. And I asked her about it not to long ago because I was the first guy she had ever kissed, and she told me she didn't even feel ready at 6 weeks! I was like, ' Oh snap... no you didn't kiss me out of pity.." and yes she did.

    So question. This is a huge indicator of a big molly mormon or just inexperience?

    I am I am ridiculously good looking so it might have been intimidation as well.

  9. My sister told me how funny this blog was so I thought I would check it out. It is hilarious and makes me glad that I am married :) My favourite gifts that I have recieved from my husband are free ones or almost free. This past Valentines he made me a card that he spent 2 hours translating the note into Latin. I thought that was sweet.

  10. It's nice to have a day to just do something extra nice for your significant other. Who really cares if some corporate thing made it up or whatever? Take the opportunity, personalize it, and then who cares where it originated- in your situation it came from the heart.