Monday, February 2, 2009

W.M.G.S.S. Exposé: Oh,You're Not Getting Home Taught?


Laie, Hawaii-It's the last Sunday evening of the month and you're getting that "not so loved feeling" right now. Another month has now gone in the books where you haven't been visited by your Home Teachers. So the next week you get in touch with your Elders Quorum President and start inquiring about if you still have Home Teachers or not, and the EQP says, "he'll look into it." Oh my sweet sisters you have fallen into the Home Teaching Black Hole. I know many of you aren't aware of this phenomenon, but it's out there and is working at ward near you.


Let me give you a behind the scenes take on how you and all of your fellow sisters are being set up for Home Teaching. First, your Elders Quorum Presidency takes a look at the "Ward Menu". Just like most things in life, guys want to have a system in place where order is achieved. This is called the "Home Teaching Draft." Now the draft is a little different than your run-of-the mill Fantasy football league, because the draft is skewed in favor of the Commissioner (EQP) and his goons (1st & 2nd Counselors). The Presidency has the top three picks and these usually consist of the most desirable women/apts. After these are taken, then the remaining draftees are dispersed amongst the rest of the quorum. The most loyal members and members with incentives (tickets, vacation homes, access to attractive women, etc.) usually end up with the high lottery picks which allow them to receive the next most desirable women.


When the draft is over, the Presidency passes out the lists to the guys in the quorum. This is filled with much anticipation, because here one sees how their loyalty paid dividends or just didn't make the cut. Here we experience muted joys of celebration (complete with high fives and hand pounds) and scenes of sorrow (the pat on the back, the slumped disposition, or the realization that you have an "all dude" teaching pool). The President, without fail, gives his obligatory speech on how all the sisters should be taught and none neglected, as he and his henchman have thoughts of teaching their future wives in the next few hours. The desirable women get home taught and the ones that didn't make the grade...well, it's pretty much a crap shoot. These guys, feeling that all is lost until their next move or changing of the guard has taken place, become more elusive than a Hermès “Birkin” bag. The Presidency will always have their teaching complete, unless they already have someone wearing their chain. But if that falls through, they already have the #1 rated reserve in their arsenal.


Girls, don't feel bad about this setup. Natural selection isn't your fault. Sometimes there are glitches in the system, maybe a more desirable girl makes the unfortunate mistake of shacking up with with some "projects" or maybe your roommate poses a "conflict of interest" with your teachers (ex's, stalkers, siblings). But don't fret, these guys only come around once a month, however, if you really get fed up with not getting taught, the Presidency will, "look into" getting you some more guys that may be less desirable than you. Isn't it great when a happy equilibrium is established!

51 comments:

  1. Yet, many or most brothers actually like to be part of the divinely-inspired program, and are grateful for the chance it gives to learn to serve, regardless of their assignment. It's not even challenging service--the who and what are already pretty well established, and the when and where are negotiable. The HT program is celestial training wheels.

    My mixed amusement and annoyance at your callous posts to date is at this point displaced by disgust. If you want to paint yourself as a loser with poor writing skills, that's one thing, but when you start claiming to know that church programs are run like beauty pageants and that's just the way it is, well, that's not cool. I don't know what brought you to Boston or why you are so embittered, but please constrain your spouting to the secular.

    And again, be a man and sign your posts.

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  2. Matman, go ahead and be disgusted, but I cannot deny that this post speaks the truth. Not every ward may operate like this, but as a graduate of the BYU system, I have been in many a singles ward where the elder's quorum president is somehow "divinely inspired" to home teach the hottest girls in the ward every semester.

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  3. I've been the EQP and it didn't work like that. Some people take their callings seriously and try to follow the Spirit.

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  4. I find this blog to be funny. I really do. But right now I feel angry and insulted. As someone who has only been in Relief Society Presidencies, and obviously not Elders Quorum, I am appalled that this could even slightly be true. Whatever happened to not being judgmental? And even if guys don't get the "hottest item on the menu", why should they ever be shallow enough to not fulfill their priesthood obligation? Just because they aren't interested in dating them means they can't visit? It's ridiculous and extremely insulting. And that fact that this was even posted is just plain sacrilegious.

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  5. I LOVED EVERY WORD OF THIS AND IT IS SOOOO TRUE!

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  6. It is wrong but obviously it does happen as the other men are agreeing and I appreciate the honesty. As a girl, I can see how the presidency might pick out the "desirable girls" first, i mean come on girls, wouldn't you be tempted to do the same? But if you do happen to get the "less desirable" girls to home teach, you should fulfill your calling definitely. And if you do, Heavenly Father will bless you in some way. This blog will always have controversies since it is about a person's opinion and you'll always have people agreeing and disagreeing. HOpefully people will keep that in mind and not take it as scripture or to heart so much that they leave this blog angry for it is their choice.

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  7. Sooo, one reason Mormon girls stay single is because Mormon guys are opportunistic, un-Christlike, skeezes. Wow. The more I read this blog, the more I see that Mormon girls stay single because Mormon guys are assholes that no woman in her right mind would want to be with. And I think I'm done reading about it, too.

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  8. This blog has perhaps been my favorite discovery of the past week. The topics and subsequent comments (or arguments) seem to bring out the two most prevalent camps in the Church.
    The blue corner:
    the “acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things” types
    The red corner:
    the “it mattereth not” types

    It’s a good rivalry. The blue’s taken to the apostate extreme are prone to getting revelation on Section 132 and breaking off or in an effort to follow Abraham, sacrifice their first born; the red’s taken to the apostate extreme are likely to join the Salamander Society and make fun of anyone making any sincere attempt at trying to serve their fellow man from the penthouse in the great and spacious building.

    Is there no middle ground in this church?

    Obviously, the blog is exaggerated and generalized for emphasis and humor. See also: The Singles Ward. It's definitely cynical and callous. But, I think it brings to the forefront some important "spiritual issues". Unless you are significantly more spiritual than me (and I admit this is possible, if not likely) going through the callings and assignments process isn’t quite as clear as receiving instruction from the Angel Moroni.

    If a girl is attractive, I'd say she usually gets more than her fair share of thoughts and effort from the leadership. For me, the more I think about someone the more I will tend to get some inspiration to help them out. My thoughts throughout the day generally wander towards Melissa Theuriau as opposed to the snarly lady in payables (yes, I do have many ideas on how to convert Melissa). The leadership might not intentionally do it, but it saying it’s an absolute non-factor might be giving some of us normal just-trying-our-best guys who have graced the upper echelon of ward leadership too much credit.

    Call me shallow – but, last I checked depth, faith, and spirituality isn’t instantaneously transferrable so you’ll just have to be patient. Lucky for me the Lord works with what He has…

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  9. Oh, and before my manhood is insulted:
    Tom Christensen
    1938 Tomlinson Green
    Edmonton AB, T6R 2R6
    Ph: 780-634-5307
    E: tombc80@yahoo.com

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  10. Ladies (and past and present EQP's), stop trying to shoot the messenger. I saw this happen in the majority of the wards I attended at BYU. It hurt me as well when I made the shocking discovery that some leaders have less than perfect motivations.

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  11. All right, I find this pretty funny but at the same time amazingly insulting. I'm just barely 20, I'm single, and I am no where near being ready for marriage. However, in the past two years since I went to college and started attending singles wards, I've never been home taught. This means I'm less than desirable? Seriously? I'm a pretty cute girl, all of my friends are gorgeous in fact, and I always thought that I wasn't getting taught because I sort of just fell through the cracks...besides, I don't need it as much as some of the members out there. I'm not any better than any of them, but I have an amazing priesthood support system already. Including my father, brothers, and "my boys" (a group of about ten boys I hang with all the time who take care of me!). As funny as this page is, it creates this image that LDS girls live only to get married, and that LDS guys are only trying to find the perfect trophy wife. Thanks but no thanks. When it's time for me to get married, I will, but until then I'll let the "trophy" wives go ahead and take the superficial men...I feel like I deserve better.

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  12. This post borders on blasphemy and promotes cynicism.

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  13. Great post. It is too bad people don't understand satire...

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  14. But satire is a fine art, and the audience must see the true message through the satire. If this is not the case, then the satire has failed. Since this piece seems more directed at cutting insults rather than actually pointing out a social ill, it fails as satire. Sure, it might be sarcastic; it might be biting. But to call it satire is far too generous.

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  15. well I did attend a multi-ward EQ basketball game once and beacuse we had a fairly big ward we had two teams of guys that the EQP put together. One was the well known star-player guys, the other was everyone else. I hope they don't do their home teaching assignments the same way.

    p.s. wouldn't it be awkward dating someone you home teach?

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  16. I've dated both my home teachers! who were friends living together going to BYU and UVU from the same home ward. the first boy fizzled out, and dated more girls anyway - so dating the second wasn't ever a problem.

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  17. This is an extremely unappropriate post. It goes 100% against everything the church teaches about acceptance and love. I used to love this blog and looked forward to reading the hilarious new posts everyday but this pushed way too far over the limit. You may want to consider removing this post if you want any further readers. Too bad you chose to be so immature about a church calling.

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  18. I have to say this although I am Extremelly pissed and want to get this blog shut down for this post i do not want this post removed. You 3 bloggers should be ashamed of yourselves... in an earlier post you encouraged women to lower their standards and dress immodestly. now you're saying that EQP's put together home teaching routes based souly on a women's looks and giving themselves and their friends the best looking women in the ward? my roommate is a very quiet indivdual and hometeaches some of the better looking women in the ward. he never socializes with the EQP.in contrast another one of my roommates who is the best friend of the EQP has, as you would label them, the 'less desirables' on his list. i guess here in canada in our YSA wards we do things the way they are supposed to be done... according to the spirit... just think on that a bit.

    btw the earlier post i was refering to was titled inbox: the doorstep and was in january's list of posts.

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  19. Annoyed:
    Whether this post is inappropriate or not, it's true. I would like to personally thank Peter Priesthood and all the others involved in writing this post.
    It is important for girls (and guys) to know what's going on around them. If you have a problem with it don't ask others to sweep it under the rug, do something about it.

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  20. Are you kidding me??February 2, 2009 at 11:01 PM

    Maybe I'll start a blog on why mormon guys stay single. Who would ever want to date or heaven forbid marry ignorant and selfish guys like you? You three bloggers sum it all up. This post is extremely degrading and insulting. I'm not saying that because I'm ugly, or because I'm bitter that I'm single. Because neither of them apply to me. Maybe you should think about the consequences that come with the things you write before you post them on the internet. I'm sure your Bishop would be really proud.

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  21. Ummm all I can say is “wow” I am really hoping that this is a reflection of home teaching at BYU and not all throughout the church. I can understand this happening with young boys who have so little game that they use the HT program to be able to talk to the girls they want to talk to. But are you kidding me? Grow up, grow some balls, be a real man, and talk a girl if you think she is pretty and use the HT program the correct way. Never having a priestholder in my home, I have always treasured this program and guys who use it to get to “the hot girls” don’t deserve to be priesthood holders. Over time looks fade and that once hot girl will be overweight and wearing mom jeans so you boys should be embarrassed for writing or even thinking this way. Perhaps the real reason why mormon girls are single is because not because there is anything wrong with them, but because of population they are trying to date…

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  22. This post makes me really sad

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  23. Thinking back on my time at BYU I realize that this post is somewhat true. It doesn't mean that the Gospel isn't true. Just that the Church isn't. So many morons are commenting on how sacrilegious this is, but let's be honest, the people in the Church aren't perfect. No, not every EQP does this, but some do. That is the point of the post. I have seen plenty of people take advantage of their callings. "Ooo, I'm going to call Sam to my council because he is so hot!" I myself have found myself all too pleased when I finagle my way into a hot FHE group, or on the same council as a hottie. It's human nature. Who says it isn't inspired anyway? I've seen plenty of these advantageous situations turn into marriage.

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  24. Maybe only they home teach when they think the girl is hot. Which is pretty pathetic because most times being home taught is kind of inconvenient, we have better things to do than hear about what you learned from your mission while tracting endlessly. And if we have guys over, when you stop by to fill that number quota, please please do not ask them questions as if to start a spiritual jousting match.
    That being said, I've always had pretty awesome teachers(roommates on the other hand?), pretty cute ones too,and I am not what I could call 'hot'. They've always come, and usually bring a treat. I might even say we were friends outside of the divinely appointed relationship, to which we were formally introduced. My problem is getting visit taught. So what's the explanation of that?

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  25. While I am disappointed that it works this way in some instances, I have seen far worse behavior, and I'm sure it isn't always that way. I know in visiting teaching, different presidencies have different ways of doing it--completely randomly for some, others pray about every single person to determine assignments, and some do it based purely on geography (outside Utah, where it would make more sense to assign someone to visit someone who lives in their town rather than have them drive an hour to do it). I imagine that these all come into play with the guys, too, as well as the "hotness" factor. I know there are also many motivations why people don't do it. Some people are just lazy, some procrastinate, some are full of themselves and say they have better things to do, and occasionally someone forgets to give out the assignments or only gives it to one member of the companionship (who then never contacts the other one). And it's possible that someone fell through the cracks and never got assigned at all. And as I write this, I'm feeling slightly guilty because I haven't done my visiting teaching in ages. Although in my defense they have changed the assignments twice in the last month.

    All this being said, I have never once called up the Elder's Quorum President or Relief Society President to inquire as to why I wasn't being visited. I would never dream of doing that. I mean, AWKWARD! Plus, it's not like I'M going to be the one losing out on spiritual blessings because I'm not being visited.

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  26. What I find...ironic?...lame?...funny? about your blog in general is that you guys seem to think women should actually care about your advice in this arena. I mean, if LDS single women truly want to make themselves more marriageable would they really think the LDS perma-bachelors had anything profitable to offer them?

    Wouldn't they who were serious seek out the advice of men who have a demonstrated capacity for actually KNOWING what a loving, successful, progressive relationship looks like by actually EXPERIENCING that for themselves, firsthand? Preferrably men who had successfully navigated themselves out of the LDS singles scene through their own happy marriage?

    Sorry, guys, but while spouting off ideas of how those poor, depressed women you're not asking out can improve themselves so they can achieve their goals of self-affirming dating (and hopefully get asked out by you if they're lucky - be still my heart!), all you're doing is coming across as petty and bitter that those women aren't making it easier for YOU to give up your individual issues that have kept YOU from getting married. And I'll bet my temple recommend you've got enough issues between you to fill up a server-full of blogs.

    What's worse is that your posted diatribes are nothing new, nothing that LDS single women haven't heard a million times in close-knit FHE groups, nights hanging out with the nearest apartment of guys, or conversations with their closest male friend of moment.

    If you're actually trying to help your "sisters," then try coming up with something relevant and true...and try talking to guys who've been successful (preferrably someone who doesn't consider "action" to be kissing at the end of a date - are we honestly still in junior high here?) before your next post. And if you're doing this just to be funny, at least post a disclaimer that any woman over the age of 23 is likely going to find most of the stuff on your blog completely passe and elementary.

    That being said...women, some of this stuff is valid. Take care of yourselves for heaven's sake! But do it for yourself and your own happiness, not for that poser, too-cool-for-school EQP in your ward who isn't worth your time anyway. Make your life what you want it to be, and do it by discovering who you are, working with your heart, might, mind and strength to become the woman you want to be, and loving yourself along the way. It's a win-win prospect!

    If anyone is interested in discussing real issues facing the LDS singles dating scene, email me at lds.dating.roundtable@gmail.com. I think there's room for REAL round-table discussion about this subject...for everyone involved.

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  27. I've witnessed this in two BYU wards. You may be able to gauge the douchey-factor of an EQP by how hot his home teachees are. Luckily, I'm in a ward right now where this isn't a problem.

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  28. Cool, Tom is in my Ward. Hi Tom! How's it going?

    I think a lot of people forgot that this is a humour blog that involves hyperbole and extremes to tell a joke or make a point. Mostly to tell a joke. I'm pretty sure no girls read this for advice, and it's just some dude's venting. And the dude knows it, dude.

    Of *course* not all HT assignments work like that. It's just that the ones that work fine aren't funny to write about.

    This post also reminded me that I don't even *have* a HT assignment yet. Hey, maybe me and Tom can team up.

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  29. Haha I think this is hilarious! I've always been home-taught so that must mean that I'm hott :)

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  30. Ha! I have always had my suspicions about this process. It's nice to have them confirmed.

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  31. I was EQP for over a year and I never set up routes based on looks, and I would have hit any of my guys if they weren't visting people because they were ugly

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  32. I love how well this blog has exposed the self-righteous hypocritical tyrants that call themselves mormons.. so puffed up in their pride of their 'faith' that they ignore and hold contempt against any other interpretation of how the church works than their own.. if you dont like the blog, stop bitching! maybe start your own!

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  33. I think you guys were TRYING to be funny, but you missed the boat. A good writer would write in a way that would allow the readers to KNOW he was totally joking or not. I have been in an EQ presidency at BYU, and there was never anything like this that happened. I think you should be ashamed of your post and of your insensitivity to the organization of the Church. Are you even active members of the LDS church, or are you apostates? Seriously, you need to think about what you're writing and why before you publish. This one was maybe TRYING to be funny, but there wasn't anything funny about it. And to all you who defend this post, you are probably PP and EQ writing anonymous comments to not make yourselves look so stupid. OR, you are friends of PP and EQ. I am no longer going to read your blog. I feel it is inappropriate and shallow. I also feel like this could be the way an evil being slowly gets righteous people to fall off the straight and narrow path. By starting out with a joke here and there, and then by claiming to KNOW that the Elders Quorom does such things. What do you think President Monson would think of this blog? I think I may just show it to him since he is my uncle, to see what he thinks of it. I know he will be highly disappointed. Please think before you post.

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  34. *shakes and trembles*

    you will all get an annotation on your church records!

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  35. Whether or not this happens on a regular basis, no amount of humor can hide the fact that you're total a fuckface.

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  36. HAHAHAHA! OMG! How is that even called for, Anonymous (2/10/09 12:44 AM)?!

    My favorite part of this blog is the comments. Hands down. I admit that I am fluent in sarcasm and cynicism. This is amazing! I love it! Keep going!

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  37. There are plenty of blogs out there that rip on single Mormon guys--I understand the need to have a blog that does the same for their counterparts; tit for tit; however this blog post is poorly written, and makes claims of being satirical--(obviously someone has no idea what a satire is)--and only reinforces and proves the rampant a**holery that single women accuse the other gender of having.

    Don't kill the messenger, you say. But the problem is the messenger writes it in a way that makes it sound like he's jealous that he isn't getting first pick. I have no doubt that that kind of thing happens, but if you're trying to write a satire you don't just tell things so straight up. This post is severely lacking in cleverness and wit; it does not provide any sort of end result that would make an EQP see the error of their ways. All it does is mock these poor women.

    Not to mention, if this is a blog about the stupid things that single women do... why is there a post that again, just proves that some guys are total Douchie McDouchersons?

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  38. i don't see where the blog claims to be satirical; nor do i think this is the forum to critique if it meets the definition.

    the blog is what it is and many people find it funny and/or insightful. this isn't an english class.

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  39. Seems to me Mormon girls are smart to stay single if all they have to pick from are douchebags like this.

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  40. Perhaps the blog's authors don't claim it to be satire, but some of its defenders do (read previous comments on this very same post).

    Why is this not the forum to critique it? Comments are open to the public; I can say whatever the hell I want. Do you want me to create a blog about how much this one sucks? Will that satisfy you? *yawns* I'd rather not waste my talents on such an easy target.

    And if there really is a woman who contributes to this blog--I hope your ovaries rot, because any child of yours will quickly learn how you don't believe in respecting women. Just another way to tear women down instead of building them up. Shame on you. There are ridiculous things that 19 year old Mormon girls do, but they're 19. At least find another platform to laugh about it. Joining forces with this Peter Prick solidifies your lack of morality. Your temple recommend should be revoked.

    I'd go on, but I need to start preparing my Sunday School lesson.

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  41. Hahaha okay. How do you know what a Birkin bag is? Seriously, are you gay?

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  42. no, a blog criticizing this one would be a waste of your time.

    instead, i'd prefer you waste your time critiquing the writing style of A BLOG.

    also, please continue to demonstrate your moral superiority by keeping the name calling, cursing, wishes of ill-will, and judgments coming.

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  43. Amen, Dan Lokhorst! Totally agree, man :)

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  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  45. So what you're trying to say is that the Church ISN'T true...

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  46. Man, if this was really how home teaching was set up, it would have been so much easier. My recollection of assigning home teaching is hours and hours of following the spirit and trying to get everyone taken care of. Maybe we were just weird...

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  47. Another reason why Mormon men are so undesirable.

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  48. Wow...so much anger. Either a lot of people are in some pretty heavy denial or every BYU EQP is a perfect saint with no ulterior motives. Either way its interesting to see how upset people are getting.

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