Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Mistake #11 Dating the faux "gay" guys at church by EQP

Remember those guys in high school that are afraid to move on hotties, so instead they pretend to be gay just so they can hang out with 9s and 10s. These guys exist in YSA wards, too, except they don't pretend to be gay. Instead they pretend to be genuinely interested in your mundane life. Their angle is to construe every advancement on you as part of their greater church service. They're hanging out to fellowship, stopping by because your hometeachers don't, and inviting you to their informal "church activities" every other evening. During the process, they hope that somehow they'll magically end up dating you. It's the backdoor approach they live for.

They do things like hawk new girls at church, promise to introduce them to all the cool guys (themselves), get involved in every facet of every committee possible to look sharp in front of the ladies, do frequent check-ups on you even though they're not your hometeachers, treat you like you're still in swaddling clothes, and volunteer to do anything as long as it entails interacting with an attractive female ward member. They usually have an important calling at church, and when they don't, they pretend they do. You find them charming in a creepy 'why are you trying to act like my father figure' sort of way. And while at first you're freaked out by how concerned for your personal life they are , you resist this premonition because you're their special "fellowship project."

But ladies, Beware!—these types have numerous special "fellowship projects," are desperate for affection, unsure of how to express it, secretly socially inept, and about as genuine as your hometeachers that show up on the 31st. Most importantly, they try to frighten you away from anyone actually worth dating. Because we care about you and don't want you to miss out on any of the genuine Peter Priesthoods or EQPs out there, here are five hints on how to tell if you're hanging out with one of these tools:

  • He will ask you who you like at church and then shoot down every guy that is not his best friend or him.
  • When you hang out with a really cool guy you like, he will pull you aside to inform you that your date is a player, nicmos all the time, and is generally an unworthy priesthood holder.
  • He will tell you who the "good guys" are to date, which all happen to be his oddly similar best friends.
  • He will tell you who the "bad guys" are, which all happen to comprise the majority of the guys you actually find interesting.
  • He will want to approve all your relationship decisions, assume some fatherly role in your life, and when you politely suggest that you have hometeachers (and parents, too), he'll act surprised because he is just fulfilling his church duty.


  1. This is the most profound of all the posts thus far! I have always known those guys were creepy, but couldn't quite put my finger on a reason. Thank you for shedding light on the magnitude of their creepiness!

  2. For those piqued by the observations of this post, I recommend sampling the Bloodhound Gang's song "I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks."

  3. "it's the backdoor approach they hope for" fake gay guys like back door too? thanks, i learned something today.

  4. this blog kinda sucks

  5. The second bullet point...I was a victim of such talk. My girlfriend, who was in my ward, told me what all the guys said about me, that I was a "player" and to be careful around me. In all truthfulness, it was jealousy because I was macking on the hottest girl in my ward.

  6. Hmm... I thought guys like that were often labeled as STALKERS? No? As a dude, I can tell you that NO dude wants to be a girl's BFF!!!

  7. I love my gay friends.