Welcome to the Colonial 1st Ward(YSA) of the Mount Vernon Stake in Mount Vernon, VA (please...this could be any YSA ward.) Sacrament is just underway and we have: Opening Hymn-Check. Opening Prayer-Check. Sacrament Hymn-Check. Sacrament-Check. Backscratch time!-WTF? Ok, everyone who thinks I'm just bitter toward women-I actually like this one and look forward to this, IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME. However, single girls you are 100% guilty of this one at least 89.63% of the time (some obscure fact on Wikipedia...) But why? Why do you have to start a back rub chain gang? This looks like the type of crap that goes on in a women's prison. I know everybody likes a good back rub, but how sore and tired are you really at 10am? Long day at church already? Those heavy sacrament cups giving you kinks in the neck? It's as if that talk on "What I learned as a Beehive has set me for life" hasn't knocked you out already you need to administer that final knockout punch. You're so selfish!! You know what everyone is thinking, right? I won't generalize this time, so I'll give you a few ideas: Softball teammates, "bff's...riiiiight.", ex-cons, or friends of Lindsay & D.J. Ronson. Maybe you're thinking, "Hey if Adam sees how good I back-rub Lisa, then maybe he'll get interested in me!" Wrong. Your best case scenario is that he is daydreaming that both of you are giving him backrubs. So whatever your fancy is, whether it's "circular motions" "Shiatsu" (distracting) or the "Guess What I'm Writing on your Back Game," save it for your stuffed animals or for your future kids in the Family ward.
The spirit has testified of the truthfulness of this message. I would like to act as a second witness. The ladies would be repulsed by affectionate men. I must have missed the memo that was released about women being granted amnesty from the 'sick, nasty and in all ways wrong' label associated with these actions in a public sphere (especially church).
ReplyDeleteGotta say this is one my biggest pet peeves about sacrament meeting.
ReplyDeleteA non-member visited our ward and asked all Mormons had dermatitis because so many people were getting back scratches.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is long overdue and definitely needs more recognition because you're honestly doing these girls a great service. At some point I would like to see something about girls getting complacent about taking care of themselves. My worse nightmare is to have a wife who lets go because she doesn't feel the need to impress me anymore.
ReplyDeleteAfter dating a girl for over a year, she decided that it would be okay if she showered less frequently, stopped doing her hair and waxing the stache because I had made the mistake of telling her that she looked good without makeup. Big mistake.
I can't tell you how many male friends I've lost by refusing to scratch their backs in church. Okay, maybe I haven't lost their friendship, but I've annoyed them when I politely declined to scratch their back. Don't try to tell me that boys don't love it.
ReplyDeleteI concur...the scratching of the backs during sacrament is totally annoying and definitely falls under the same category as texting, playing sudoku on your iphone, and surfing the net, all of which are unisex crimes. But I think the worst offense of all is pulling out some work of literature...say of a political/historical nature, holding it up to your face and pretending you are enthralled but really are trying to put off the vibe that you are a lot smarter than you actually are.
ReplyDeletebahahha! i was in this ward this summer! were you? maybe we know each other... anyway. this blog is hilarious. thank you.
ReplyDeleteI was in this ward one summer a few years ago. I was blown away by how many girls were "doing" their neighbor's hair during sacrament meeting.
ReplyDeleteTotally creeped me out. There's a reason I was only in that ward for one summer.
my stomach is hurts from laughing.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma scratched my back during Sacrament Meeting when I was a child. But to paraphrase Paul in First Corinthians, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a [woman], I put away childish things."
ReplyDeleteNow I still enjoy a good backscratch/rub, but at home. Otherwise, to me it fits into a broad pool of activities that I have termed under the heading "Monkey-Grooming." If you are in public being scratched, picked, brushed, etc., or if you are doing these things to someone else in public, you are like a couple of monkeys grooming each other. Having thought this for years, I had a good initial laugh when I saw the picture at the top of this page.
lmao!! My favorite post of all time! Thank you Thank you Thank youuuuuu!! This totally made my day and I love the picture to go with this, geniu$$$$
ReplyDeleteI love when my SO gives me long, luxurious
ReplyDeleteback rubs that go on for hours.
Oils and all.
:) He loves it just as much - why ? because
he loves making me feel as good as I do him.
Seems simple enough to me.
ok, this does not just apply to single girls. i am in a married ward and literally almost every couple starts doing this right after the sacrament. its disgusting. especially when they get all kissy and hand massage-y, etc. barf. so dont just blame the single ward going girls!! its a mormon disease!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in the Colonial ward (before it split) I brought a friend from work to church with me. After Sacrament meeting she said, "It's so great that you guys are so accepting." When I asked her what she meant she said, "well, with all of the lesbians here." She totally thought we had a ward full of lesbians that couldn't keep their hands off each other during church!
ReplyDeleteYou are just jealous you aren't gettin any
ReplyDelete