Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Inbox: The Doorstep

Good Morning!

So this blog has been officially live for one week! 4500 hits isn't bad at all. I would like to thank everyone who decided to flip the curiosity switch and read an entry or two. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but we all get our kicks in different ways and I can respect that. So I have another message from The Inbox I would like to respond publicly to. This one seems a little fishy since she goes by "Molly Mormon," but I obliged, as advertised, to answer all of my emails.

Hey boys!
Thanks for writing your blog and helping sweet spirits like me not be single!!! Your advice has really helped me, and already I got asked out and went on a date with a dreamy RM who just might be my E.C. (eternal companion). Problemo: After the first date, he just dropped me off at the curb and said bye. No walking me to the door, no goodnight hug. Is this normal??? How can we (all the Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods) work together to make door scenes less awkward????
Awkward side hugs,

Hey Ms. Mormon (very original, but I needn't be calling the kettle black)
I'm honored that you would thank me for helping you get a head start to coupledom. It especially brings me joy when a "sweet spirit" such as yourself is heading toward the "Action Express Train" (all aboard, woo woo!!!) Congrats that you might have found your "eternal companion" and all. So...he just dropped you off at the curb, eh? Well, it saddens me to say this, but the possibility of you having him as your soul mate is about as wishful as:

1) Oprah ever keeping to any of her plethora of diets ( I mean if a billionaire can't find a way...)
2) Kate Moss ceasing her summer "snow" showers or,
3) Getting me to volunteer at Starbucks for 5 hours for a cup of coffee (that's at least $25 at minimum wage!)

But girl, it can be done. Remember what you did on that last date? Don't do that anymore. If you want this man, you better come with it. That's precious that you're waiting for chivalry, but there are plenty of girls in in the Newport Coast (YSA) ward turning a nice leathery, wrinkly orange as they sit waiting on Mr. Hollister and Mr. Abercrombie to get home from Gold's Gym. Flaunt your assets. You know that Shade cami with the lace fringe you got in Rose Petal, Mulberry, Graphite, and Bark? Ummm, don't wear that, show a little waist or muffin top. Intelligence is key. Play the "Maybe Next Date" card. Pick something that you are extremely good at and kick his little trash. You got a hidden interest in card counting from your '07 trip to Vegas? Get a game of 21 going, beat him once, quit and watch him squirm. We hate losing and we will always always always ask for a rematch. Just throw out the "Maybe Next Date" card and you are on to date number two! You want a walk to the door? Pretend you injured your ankle right before you get into the car. He'll feel awful and will examine your foot and maybe play doctor on your ankle (clean feet please...dirty, cracked underfoot is not acceptable for this one!) This one is money because he'll definitely want to use his machismo to carry you to the door (there's your chivalry right there). Oh is it a hug you want? This is where Burberry Brit for Women comes in. One little squirt is all you need for him to fantasize that extended embrace at the front door.
Front Hugging since 1999,


  1. Your advice for Ms. Mormon is good. However, 99% of the time your actions won't change whether or not a boy will call for another date. He either is or isn't into you; you either match up to what he's interested in or you don't. At least that's how my guy friends explain their dating lives to me. But you're the boy, so I guess you would know....

  2. hahaha i think this thing is done by a girl, or a very metro girl, i don't even know all the colors of shade. hahha but it sure is entertaining!

    front hugging since 2004

  3. ok one problem that i have with this... did you just encourage the females out there to lower there standards? You did and i quote "...don't wear that, show a little waist or muffin top." You also encouraged them to break the prophets' counsel and play a gambling game. Now lets think on this a moment... We have been commanded that we should NEVER lower our standards for ANY REASON. You should not be calling yourself Peter Priesthood if this is what you want to see on a date. you should be calling yourself Mr. Inactivity.

    Women don't listen to this! never lower your standards even if it means staying single for life! its not worth it! i would rather date a virtuous woman than someone that lowers herself to the standards of the world.

    P.S. if you don't believe me about anything above... read your 'For the Strength of Youth' Pamphlet. talk to your bishop if you need one.

  4. DowntownchrisbrownFebruary 6, 2009 at 9:30 PM

    Sure follow this advice, you will get all the dates you want. You may even get married a few times, but you likely won't have an eternal companion. That requires obedience.

    I passed on many girls that tried that, most of them are still in YSA looking for their dream guys, 5 years later.

  5. i love that you are encouraging girls to get a clue in some aspects... but please lose the lowering standards... do you really want your wife flaunting herself like that? girls already struggle to maintain their modesty.